Thursday, June 3, 2010

Results: Good and Bad

I finally got the phone call from the neurologist's office about 4:30 pm on Tuesday. There was nothing found on the MRI, which is GREAT, but it is also not so good, because now we are back to square one, trying to figure out what is going on.

We are still not sure how to deal with this...and personally I am feeling a little stymied. I don't know what the next step is, but I do know...just put that foot out there and keep moving...not sure where, but God is leading this expedition into the unknown...HE knows where we're going. All I have to do is follow...

Following into the darkness has never been a strong point for me. I always want to have some kind of knowledge of where we're headed, what the plans are, what to expect. I'm not getting that right now, and I am feeling quite a bit out of sorts, and frustrated. I plan ahead for every day of a trip, for activities in the car, for clothes for the kids, for meals, for everyone to have their stuffies and pillows and special blankets so they can sleep. I'm a mom. This is what I do.

I want the best for my children, and this not knowing what is causing this, or whether it is going to be healed or get worse is driving me crazy. I cry thinking about my daughter not being able to feel the stubble on her husband's face, or the soft baby skin on her children. I am frustrated that this is affecting her grades and her looks and her self esteem. I am angry at what I perceive as doctors not caring. This is MY CHILD. HOW DARE THEY?!? Don't they know?!?

In my head, I know these doctors are doing their best. I KNOW that they see a LOT Of people and cannot be emotionally involved in the treatment of each patient. I know this. I know that I AM her mother and as such it is a law that I care more than anyone else in the world. I get that.

But being in this position is SO exhausting. I can't keep up with my work, and my house, and carting kids back and forth to school, and church, and baseball, and Scouts, and birthday nauseum...and every time my husband asks me to do one more little thing, I think I am going to fall apart. This past weekend I almost got to the falling apart stage.

And slowly but surely I am realizing that I am NOT the only person carrying this burden. Jason is here with me...though he doesn't wear his emotions on his sleeve the way I do, he DOES care. The numerous friends who have expressed their concerns and their caring and their prayers hearten me daily. My extended family that calls me to find out what is going on reminds me that they DO care, too. Even the unattached...the Physical Therapist, the school nurse, the nurses, the counselors....they each express caring in their own varied ways.

Those caring people have been there all along, but I got sucked into a little tunnel where all I could see was me and Frances....and this long, extended period of unknown. And that was a lonely place to be. I don't like me when I am lonely. I get depressed and snippy with my kids, and I get clingy to my husband, and weepy, and generally really negative about life in general. I don't want to be there.

I've been there before...I dug myself in there before and made that my foxhole. I am NOT doing that this time. I AM getting out of there. I am soaking in the sunshine...and the Word, and in the love and kindness of my family and friends.

And right now, I am feeling a little ashamed of myself for getting depressed. After all, I am not the one that is having the health problems. And Frances? She is just going right on being the wonderful teen she always is....concerned for her boyfriend and his family that is disintegrating, and wanting to go ice skating with her friends, and worrying about changing her language for next year from Japanese to Arabic. I know it bothers her some...we talked about it today after her doctor's appointment. She is TIRED of doctor's appointments. She wants to be normal. But she is not letting it get her down or even thinking about it much....she knows that we're doing our best to take care of her.

Maybe I need to take a clue from her, and not think about it so much....after all, my Father is taking care of us...and HE does a MUCH better job that I ever could.


Krysti said...

Laura, Oh wow. I just read this and had to go back to figure out what was going on. Hugs and prayers for you! I'm praying that God will send you to the right person to help you.

I found an excellent naturopath five years ago who helped me learn how to live with my own mystery illness. I don't know if he'd be able to help Frances, but I'd be happy to recommend him to you.

Stacey,momof 2 said...

I don't know what to say... I am going to just spend some time in prayer for you and yours-- HIS will be done!