Here's hoping all of you had a wonderfully safe celebration of the beginning of 2011, and that God richly blesses you in this coming year!!
Now that I have that out of the way, it is time for a whine-fest...I don't care what time of the year...I need to whine a bit. Feel free to pull out the crackers and cheese...this may take a bit.
I am tired of being alone. Yeah, yeah, I know...there are 6 other people in my house right now, a cat, and a dog. I am not alone. But see, I am doing this married-single-military-wife-mom-thing. And I'm doing it alone right now...because my husband is serving in a vacation spot. And having fun. And my life has not changed appreciably for the better. Actually, I would say it has gotten infinitely more complicated. And BUSY. And not necessarily fun. Yes I have my moments, and I really am happy that I am able to do this...but I want to feel sorry for me for a minute.
I have one more day before school starts back, both for the kids and for me. I anticipate going about 190 mph for the next 13ish weeks...with short breaks to catch my breath, but still running at a faster-than-average rate. I anticipate the laundry getting backed up again, and the house getting messy again, and getting (nasty/upset/accusatory) messages home from teachers again...because I can't do all of this by myself. And yet meals must be served, and laundry must be washed/folded/put away, and children must be supervised to finish homework, and dog and cat must be fed, and if I don't check up behind everyone, every day, things get left, or forgotten, or ignored.
I know I am only one person. I am NOT Superwoman. Never had the body to pull THAT off. Don't have the super powers, either. Still, there is this list that is constantly running in my head of things that need to be done. That list includes the things listed above, as well as exercise (because sitting on my butt is not conducive to weight-loss), and studying, and working, and visits with people responsible for keeping my head squarely on my shoulders, and grocery shopping.
Meanwhile, I want to be pleasant. I want to not be stressed. I want to do all of these things, and maintain a relatively good GPA. I dislike me when I am stressed. I do NOT want to go back to that pit called depression. It is not fun in there. I want to have good conversations with my husband and maintain a close connection via email and Skype....which seems very artificial when I am missing the real thing.
I know that Jason is in a "vacation spot." Dang it. I want to be there too. I look at my other friends whose husbands are deployed to actual war-zones, and I feel guilty for missing Jason so much. I told him the other day that I find myself somewhat ridiculous with how much I miss him some days. I'm an adult...why can't I just deal with this, and keep going? I KNOW he'll be back. I know this is not an easy thing.
And here is where I start sounding all whiney and selfish...He's in a VACATION SPOT. And going out to eat. And playing pool. And going to the movies. And I want to have the chance to do those things with him. I know he's by himself. And I know that in itself is a form of torture to him.
I thought getting through Thanksgiving and Christmas was going to be the hardest part of this deployment. Apparently I was wrong. Again. Sigh.
All of this feeling sorry for myself is tiring. I don't like me right now. I want to cry, and it takes listening to the same song, over and over, and over again, to be able to. And that is short-lived. Which is NOT satisfying. I dreamed about him last night...that he was upset about something I had done, and was sitting at his desk fixing it...and I didn't even reach out and touch him, with him right there in arms' reach. And I was SO sad when I woke up, and I couldn't touch him...I just wanted a hug.
So, now that it is late, and he's not up yet to talk on Skype, and I need to sleep, I am going to go listen to my song, and cry a little, and hope I can go to sleep, because morning comes way too early.