(and what does this have to do with my lack of feeling connected?!?)
My most recent therapist is good for me. I don't always like her. I don't always agree with her. But she is good for me. She challenges me. I need that.
I have people I consider my friends. I enjoy spending time with them. I miss them when we move. But I have never had a close enough friend who actually came and visited me after we left the area. I AM still friends with people from high school, and especially friends from college, but again, no one visits. Really, my family doesn't visit, either.
So, my therapist and I were exploring why that was the case...why DON'T I have friends with whom I feel a deep connection?
She made an observation that originally put me on the defense. She said that I don't connect with people because I do not interact on an emotional level. All of my interactions are on an intellectual "head" level. It is easy. It is safe. I won't get hurt.
This realization stings. I have worked long and hard to NOT been seen as overly emotional. I remember crying at the drop of a hat. I remember being so angry that I scared myself (knife-throwing is not just a circus-trick!). I was told I was a cry-baby, and to stop being such a stereo-typical hysterical female. I was told that my crying was an attempt at emotional blackmail and manipulation. My opinions, hurts, and frustrations were dismissed because I cried when I felt things deeply.
So, I quit crying. For a LONG time. It was not healthy. It was lonely, and it was hard.
Then I started my healing journey, and allowed myself to cry again. And THAT was really REALLY helpful in the healing process. And I cried a LOT.
But life (God!) has a way of cycling us back through things, so that we can learn lessons from our repeated experiences. And when Jason deployed in 2010/2011, my tears became depleted. Besides, I had to be strong for my kids. And then Jason was home, and was a pastor, and I had to be strong and "on" for the people in our church. And more hard things assaulted us, and I still had to be strong. So, I was right back to suppressing the tears.
I don't have a lot of answers for how this plays out.
My friends that feel safe to me are more than 12 hours away.
Besides, my life is full and good. Some days I don't want to rock the boat.
But there is more...Oh, so much more...and I want to be free to experience the whole spectrum of emotions.