Monday, May 11, 2015

Realizations

The love expressed by my friends has been amazing.






For far too many years, I have felt alone.

Unloved.

Unseen.

Invisible.

None of this is the fault of any of those friends who have walked this path with me.  Brokenness of mind, body, and spirit happen as the result of abuse.  I could not feel love from others.  I felt my own love, reaching out to those around me, but I never ever felt anything reciprocated...with one exception...my husband was somehow able to break through to me.

So, for many, many years, I was groping my way through my life, feeling blind to love.  I knew what *I* felt, but I could not see that others felt that same way towards me.  I did not know how to be a friend.  I scared people away with my neediness one minute, and my walls and barriers the next.

Repeatedly, I asked for help.
Not in so many words, because that would be admitting that I was broken.
Rather, I tried to find a best friend.
A mentor.
A grandmother.
A mother.
Someone.
ANYONE who would love me.

With the help of my husband and several amazing counselors, over the last few years I have started to actually feel loved by and connected to people around me, and by extension, I have actually begun to KNOW that I am loved by God.  It is an amazing thing.

The growth that has happened, the recognition of my own woundedness, and the application of a LOT of years of hard work, both by myself and by my counselors and husband, and especially God's work in my life, have gotten me to this point.

What I have learned in this process:
1. The need for a mother's love never ever goes away.
2. God has brought me a LONG long ways.
3. I still have a LOT more to learn.
4. Really learning about God's love is AMAZING.  For that, I am eternally grateful.




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