Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Am I being punished?

Some days I feel like the world dislikes me a LOT.

Not because I am a Christian, though there seems to be an air of suspicion around that.

Rather, I feel like a child being punished for things I cannot change.

I feel punished for placing the care of my small children in front of getting a degree and having a career.

I feel punished for finishing my Master's Degree in my 40s, and trying to start out in my career field at this "advanced" age.

I feel punished for moving many times, going where my husband is sent by the military.

I feel punished because having a "later" start on my career means that things are tighter financially than they "should be" for someone my age.

I feel punished for not having a relationship with my mother.

I feel punished for not being an extrovert.

I feel punished for my PTSD symptoms.

Reading back through this, I see that I feel punished for being me, for *not* being who others think I should be, and for a myriad of things over which I have never had any control.

I *KNOW* that punishing me is not the intent of anyone.  However, being marginalized because of my age, because of my gender, because of my status as a military wife and mother, because of my traumas, and because of my personality really feels like an unending set of blows from which I am having trouble recovering.

Honestly, I know that somehow God is teaching me something through all of this, and that HE will work it all out in His timing...and because I know that, all of this is a challenge, but is not insurmountable.

I just have to remember that while I'm in the thick of it.

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