1. I have learned in more than 20 years of observing military families that it is not the act of service that shapes the life of the children of those who serve, but rather the character of the person doing the service.
2. If I come to you acting/feeling needy, it is because I feel like there might be something fundamentally wrong with how I interact with the world. I don't need judgment. I need you to reassure me that I am normal and/or show me a more effective way.
3. Socializing by financial strata isolates from some pretty amazing people, and makes you see things through a very small window that blinds you to most of the rest of the world's perspective.
4. There are crappy people at every level. More money will not make them better people, and less money does not make them worse people. More money means they have more leverage to hide who they really are at heart, so they can manipulate more readily.
5. People say things as platitudes, but their words mean nothing, and often are more painful to the hearer than to have said nothing at all. Silence truly is golden. Or, as my mother used to say, "Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it."
6. People are lazy on social media. Very few research anything. Most just repost without checking veracity, and often react without thinking through what they have read, not looking at it from any perspective besides their own.
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Change is coming....
There is always news of change, some unexpected, but always change.
It will not be news to anyone that we have been waiting for orders for MONTHS. Forever is a LONG time to spend in limbo...but flexibility is something we are no strangers to....
And now we actually have news!! ORDERS!!
And so...
We're doing things....
...and looking for housing... and a job (for me), and figuring out schools, and a church, and doctors, and hair stylists....
...because we're headed to....
Can't wait to say "See ya later!" to Massachusetts!!
Actual dates are not very far in the future...the Navy procrastinated as long as they could, so we will be leaving in early January.
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Stepping up to say ENOUGH
I'm sure most of the US, and for sure a small community in Texas are still reeling from the after-shocks of the shooting that happened almost a week ago. As I struggle to make sense of the deaths of half of that small country church, I have been reading media accounts, testimonies of family members, of the two community heroes who stopped the gunman, and the background of the man who did this.
This is my attempt to assimilate everything I know so far....
The gunman was dishonorably discharged from the Air Force after being convicted and serving time for domestic abuse of his wife and infant stepson. The Air Force admits that they neglected to pass along this information to the agencies who should have been alerted, making it possible for him to purchase the guns he used. (sources: here, here, here)
The details of what he did, and why he did it, and who was killed, and who was injured, and how he was stopped are available all over the internet with only the most cursory search. Those things are not really what is most concerning to me.
In the wake of this horrific crime, people again are asking "WHY?!?" Why are white men, in one of the wealthiest countries in the world, doing terrible things to powerless people?
These questions always make me start looking for patterns, which is what I am trained to do. Patterns of behavior help us figure out why things like this happen, and what can be done to prevent further bloodshed.
Too often, people think there is no tie between the "lone wolf" gunmen across our nation. "They acted alone" is the report on the news. While that may be true, there is a disturbing link between most of them that is often overlooked, underreported, and most often completely ignored. That link is a history of domestic violence.
This gunman abused his wife and stepson.
In Texas, in the last 7 years, there are nine more incidents (at least) where groups of 4 or 5 family members and friends were killed by someone with a history of domestic violence (source).
It doesn't just happen in Texas.
In working with victims of domestic violence, one shocking statistic shows that the most dangerous time for a woman escaping a violent and controlling man is AFTER she has already left the relationship. THAT is when she is most likely to be killed. (More statistics at this link).
AND YET...
The typical woman tries to leave a violent relationship SEVEN times before she is successful.
Why don't they leave sooner?
- - They have been alienated from their friends and family by their abuser.
- - They are afraid people won't believe them this time.
- - Fear of retaliation by the abuser.
- - For Christians, they are often told to stay in the relationship.
- - Fear of losing their children.
- - Fear of homelessness.
This is a complicated issue.
Women and children need to be protected.
Violent men need to be redirected, to be stopped from continuing the abuse.
Churches need to know how to respond.
HOW TO RESPOND
This morning, our pastor talked about security for our very large church, and how there is a concerted effort to keep those attending services as safe as possible. This is a NEEDED response. But it is NOT enough.
Our church also is affiliated with a ministry to women, providing a safe and confidential resource for women who are in abusive relationships. This is a NEEDED response. But it is NOT typical for churches across the country.
This week I posed a question on Facebook, asking my MANY pastor-friends what their policies are for dealing with domestic violence. I got ONE response...from a female pastor...and NONE from male pastors, though they outnumber female pastors by a large majority. I want to give the benefit of the doubt, and recognize that they may have been preparing for the weekend's services...but I'd still like to hear from them, at least an acknowledgement that this needs to be on their radar. Because, as we saw last week, domestic violence unchecked affects us all, even in the church...maybe ESPECIALLY in the church.
This is my attempt to assimilate everything I know so far....
The gunman was dishonorably discharged from the Air Force after being convicted and serving time for domestic abuse of his wife and infant stepson. The Air Force admits that they neglected to pass along this information to the agencies who should have been alerted, making it possible for him to purchase the guns he used. (sources: here, here, here)
The details of what he did, and why he did it, and who was killed, and who was injured, and how he was stopped are available all over the internet with only the most cursory search. Those things are not really what is most concerning to me.
In the wake of this horrific crime, people again are asking "WHY?!?" Why are white men, in one of the wealthiest countries in the world, doing terrible things to powerless people?
These questions always make me start looking for patterns, which is what I am trained to do. Patterns of behavior help us figure out why things like this happen, and what can be done to prevent further bloodshed.
Too often, people think there is no tie between the "lone wolf" gunmen across our nation. "They acted alone" is the report on the news. While that may be true, there is a disturbing link between most of them that is often overlooked, underreported, and most often completely ignored. That link is a history of domestic violence.
This gunman abused his wife and stepson.
In Texas, in the last 7 years, there are nine more incidents (at least) where groups of 4 or 5 family members and friends were killed by someone with a history of domestic violence (source).
It doesn't just happen in Texas.
While perpetrators of domestic violence account for only about 10 percent of all gun violence, they accounted for54 percent of mass shootings between 2009 and 2016, according to the advocacy group Everytown for Gun Safety, so there is a disproportionate link, Webster tells Kodjak. (source).
In working with victims of domestic violence, one shocking statistic shows that the most dangerous time for a woman escaping a violent and controlling man is AFTER she has already left the relationship. THAT is when she is most likely to be killed. (More statistics at this link).
AND YET...
The typical woman tries to leave a violent relationship SEVEN times before she is successful.
Why don't they leave sooner?
- - They have been alienated from their friends and family by their abuser.
- - They are afraid people won't believe them this time.
- - Fear of retaliation by the abuser.
- - For Christians, they are often told to stay in the relationship.
- - Fear of losing their children.
- - Fear of homelessness.
This is a complicated issue.
Women and children need to be protected.
Violent men need to be redirected, to be stopped from continuing the abuse.
Churches need to know how to respond.
HOW TO RESPOND
This morning, our pastor talked about security for our very large church, and how there is a concerted effort to keep those attending services as safe as possible. This is a NEEDED response. But it is NOT enough.
Our church also is affiliated with a ministry to women, providing a safe and confidential resource for women who are in abusive relationships. This is a NEEDED response. But it is NOT typical for churches across the country.
This week I posed a question on Facebook, asking my MANY pastor-friends what their policies are for dealing with domestic violence. I got ONE response...from a female pastor...and NONE from male pastors, though they outnumber female pastors by a large majority. I want to give the benefit of the doubt, and recognize that they may have been preparing for the weekend's services...but I'd still like to hear from them, at least an acknowledgement that this needs to be on their radar. Because, as we saw last week, domestic violence unchecked affects us all, even in the church...maybe ESPECIALLY in the church.