Sunday, September 19, 2010

On life and studying

As I am sure you are aware by now, my life and stress level have accelerated recently. With starting grad school, I have had to make quite a few changes, including cutting back on my work level (paid work), and really revisiting my study habits. Doing that and preparing for my husband to be gone have made me realize how lazy I have gotten in recent years. That's not an easy or nice realization. I don't think of myself as lazy. Or, maybe I should say I don't *like* to think of myself as lazy.

I did not become lazy intentionally. I didn't think about it. This "just happened." I DID think consciously about allowing my husband to be more of the leader in our home. Unfortunately, I allowed that to go to such a degree that I have abdicated much more responsibility than I should have. UGH. Now, with him planning to be gone for a whole year, suddenly I find myself having to assume many more responsibilities than I have handled in the last several years. Paying bills. Filling the gas tanks. Making all of the day-to-day decisions for children's activities. For my own activities.

So now I find myself needing motivation that I haven't had for quite a while. Motivation to keep my house clean. Motivation to actually COOK meals. And plan meals. And self-care stuff...like taking showers on days that I don't have anywhere to go. And finding someone to talk to. And staying in fellowship with other believers. And maintaining my own spiritual feeding and growth. So many things that I have sadly neglected or pushed off on my husband.

I am SO glad that he has been able to be such a help to me. I am grateful for this opportunity for him...even though I am going to miss him A LOT. Because, let me tell you, that man of mine is amazing. He is a leader...in our home, our church, and in the Navy. I am very excited to watch him, and watch what God is doing in and through him, especially during this challenging next year.

But this post is about me, and my recent (re)discovery of my own laziness. And I am realizing that I need friends in my life on a (very) regular basis to help me in this process. I have also come to the conclusion that I don't have CLOSE personal friends. Oh, I have a LOT of "friends" - at church, in the Navy community, in our neighborhood, across the country in places we have lived in the past. Sadly, I don't know if I can call on most of them any time of the day, just to dump, or if I could ask for help with transportation problems. I KNOW I can count on most for emergencies...just because they're awesome like that. But, personally, I feel strange asking anyone for help.

See, I have these tapes that play in my head. Tapes that are recordings of things people have said to me, or in my hearing, in the past. Logical or not, those tapes play over and over, telling me all kinds of strange things. These tapes say that people will see me as "too needy," or that people will think poorly of me or think of me as a manipulator if I ask for help. I hear those tapes saying that I should just suck it up, and deal with it, because I was the one that chose to have so many children, so I should deal with the results of those choices. I still hear those tapes saying that only weaklings need counseling - - even though I KNOW BETTER. I hear those tapes blaming ME for everything from world over-population to the depletion of the ozone layer. See...I told you those tapes were not necessarily logical.

So, in the midst of an extremely challenging period in my life, I am realizing that I need to concentrate on developing some very good, deep friendships. And honestly, I don't know where to start. Because I think I have had *1* very good, very deep friendship as an adult (aside from my husband) - and that was/is a VERY long-distance friendship...and I need good, LOCAL friends...friends with skin on, right here, in my house, hanging out, coaxing me out of my house, and encouraging me in the dailiness of my life.

1 comment:

Tara Anderson said...

Throw away those tapes!!! God's grace IS sufficient, but we have to let it work in us. How well we do is dependent on how open we are to His grace...which means admitting how incredibly needy we are.