Connection and the Internet

I know that a lot of people bemoan the advent of social media, and blame it for all kinds of disconnectedness.

I see the memes going around on Facebook.

I don't believe them.

Oh, I do think that people are less connected, in some form or another.  I just don't blame it on social media or cell phones or the internet.

Admittedly, my perspective is a bit different than most.  I thoroughly enjoy my social media accounts.  I laugh along with all of the cat memes and the dog-shaming pictures.  The cute animal videos get me every time.  Don't get me started on the military reunion videos.  There WILL be tears.

I DID have a MySpace page, back-in-the-day.  

I used to instant message with my grandmother on AOL.  

Now, I have a few different accounts, and love them all for various reasons...but sometimes I feel overwhelmed, also for a variety of reasons.  

As a military spouse, and a mom with children in other places, I use my social media accounts to keep in touch with people.  

I have friends all around the world, and I can keep in touch with them, and know very quickly that prayer is needed, and how to pray intelligently.  

I use my accounts to network.  

For trying to find a job. 

For help with recipes.

For help with children. 

For help with cars, and moving, and pets, and finding a new hairdresser in a new town.  

But more than all of that....

Social media helps me feel connected.  

I grew up feeling disconnected from EVERYONE.  

Some days, I still do.  

Through the use of social media, I can more easily maintain connections with important friends from old duty stations.  

I can keep up with what is going on with my sister in Savannah, my cousins near Atlanta and Asheville, my brothers in South Carolina, my aunt and uncle in California, and my friends in churches we have attended in South Carolina, Texas, Montana, Virginia, Massachusetts, and other places that they have spread out to.  

I can rejoice with friends from college when they welcome a spouse, a child, or a grandchild.

I can weep with the friends who are weeping over a loss...of a child, a spouse, a parent, a pet, or a job.  

I have been able to find friends who I have not been able to be in contact with in years.  

So, please remember that while YOU may be frustrated with the drama you see on your social media, others may welcome it, and may be using that exact drama as a tool to help them pray, and to connect with others.  

 PS.  I still don't want to see your political posts, no matter how much I want to stay connected with you.  I just don't *do* politics.  

Why I don't crowd-source my parenting decisions

Crowd-Sourcing: obtain (information or input into a particular task or project) by enlisting the services of a number of people, either paid or unpaid, typically via the Internet. (Source: Google)

Recent months have seen a lot of people crowd-sourcing a lot of things.  What to name the baby?  Encouragement to stop smoking.  Funds for people in need.  Prayers for friends who are suffering from one thing or another.  What to send the teacher at the end of the school year?  Where to find good clothes for the kids?  What to feed the kids?  How to get the kids to actually eat what we fix?

I LOVE my friends "in my computer". Really. I have a hard time finding local friends because we move so much, and some of my virtual friends I have known longer than I have been married (which is not-quite-forever, but pretty close!).

I have a LOT of friends I have accumulated over almost 23 years of married life, 15+ years of military life and living in 5 different states, in 20+ houses, attending 9 different churches.

All of those friends have different backgrounds, different life-experiences, and different expectations. 

Most of my friends are quite helpful, and will offer a lot of helpful advice, when asked.  Some will offer it even when they are not asked!!  

I even have a special group of friends that I got to ESPECIALLY for parenting advice.  

It would be (and IS!) really easy to jump on to social media and solicit input from the billions of people available online.  

However, there are some pretty good reasons I do NOT often crowd-source my 1200+ Facebook friends on most of my parenting decisions.

1. Different expectations, backgrounds, and experiences.  

Remember all of the different places I have lived?  All of those lovely people who are my friends? They each have different expectations of their children.  Their backgrounds are different than mine, and influence their decision-making processes in different ways than my background affects me and my children.  

2. Details.

I don't want to get online and give all of the details of everything that goes into WHY my children act the way they act.  There are things my children have experienced that my crowd-source has NO BUSINESS knowing.   And yet, those very experiences play a HUGE role in why I parent my children the way I do.  Additionally, there is no way someone who has lived in the same town for all of their life can understand the intricacies of a life lived in multiple locations, changing schools many times, and having friends spread out all over the world.  I can't expect them to help me make good decisions when there is no way they can know and understand all of the details.  

3. I am the parent.  

The idea that it takes a village to raise a child is a nice one.  It really helps to have input from others who love my children and want the best for them.  But, frankly, most of my friends do not know my children.  They have not set foot in my house (but please, we WELCOME visitors!!), and have not experienced life in our larger-than-average, dorky-crazy household.  They are NOT responsible to get my children out the door each morning to school, or to fix meals for them in the evenings, or to provide a roof over their heads and transportation to their 9-bjillion activities.   

JASON and I are responsible for that, and for all of the other things that come with having children and being adults.  Ultimately, no matter the input I get from other people, the decisions are MY responsibility.  Asking for too much input from others who don't have details, and don't understand our circumstances is just crazy-making.  

So, I do occasionally ask for input from my friends, usually from the small group that has known me for almost 20 years.  And, even when I do ask, I don't always implement everything...not because I don't trust my friends, but because I know my kids, and how our family works...and I know that not everything everyone else tells me is going to work in our household.   

What's MY Super-Power?

For a lot of years (LONG prior to the production of the Incredibles!), I have WISHED I could have the super power of invisibility.


I wanted to disappear into the wallpaper.
I wanted no one to see how awkward I was (and, paradoxically, I wanted SOMEONE to notice and love me despite...).
I wanted to be able to disappear when I was being teased, or abused, or made fun of, or....

Now, however, my wish is a bit different.  It seems, on some days, as if my wish HAS come true, and I AM invisible.  NO ONE notices the tears, or the dark cloud, or the silence around me.  NO ONE notices my aloneness.  I walk through the halls at church, and I know no one besides my family (granted, it's a BIG church).  I go to the Commissary, and I don't see any familiar faces.  I walk around my neighborhood, and rarely see anyone I am even familiar with, never mind KNOWING anyone.

We are now 8 months out from having moved away from the place we lived for SEVEN YEARS.  I have friends there.  I knew almost every single bagger and cashier and manager at my local Kroger, at the gas station, at the bank, at every single one of the six separate schools my kids went to.  I had the time and opportunity to KNOW my neighborhood there.  If we were to have taken a walk through my neighborhood, I'd have been able to point out to you where my kids' friends lived, where the neighbor who drove too fast (and likely still didn't have his drivers' license!) lived, where the single mom moved to, after she left her husband, where my geriatric friend lived before she passed away....I KNEW my neighborhood, because we lived in it for four years.

I think this is one of the hardest periods as a military spouse.  Yes, deployments are HARD.  The actual move is HARD.  But I really think this settling-in period after the move is in some way harder.

After six months, my friends from our previous duty station are moving on, spending time with others, finding other ways to fill their time, other people to go to lunch with, other coffee-buddies.  Skype dates still DO happen, but it's not the same as having a hug, and a cup of coffee together, or looking forward to lunch out at Applebee's.

And meanwhile, I AM meeting people, but six, or seven, or eight months is not a lot of time in which to make new connections, and build relationships.  So, some days I feel really invisible, as if I somehow DID finally get my super-power wish.

Thankfully, I know Someone who is always here, who loves me through the hard days, and has ALWAYS known my name, and sees me, even when no one else seems to.

REPOST: May 11, 2011

Originally written May 11, 2011, and titled "A Place to Begin", this was written while Jason was deployed to Bahrain, and I was a full-time student at Regent University.  This post really reflects where I am today.  I have since finished school, and have been in counseling the whole time.  Some days I feel as if I have made no progress whatsoever, and some days I feel as if I have made a lot of progress.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Some days I feel totally disconnected from the world.
I feel like an orphaned child,
Unwanted,
Unloved,
a "whipping boy" in the family where I have been placed.

Some days I feel like the king of the universe.
I feel as if I can take on anything,
do anything,
be anything.

Some days - most days - I feel as if no one cares who I am,
what I feel,
what direction I go.

There are things that I know in my head to be true, which I am afraid I will never feel inside of me.

I KNOW that I am loved.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love..." Jeremiah 31:3
I know that my husband loves me...that I *do* feel, sometimes.
I know that my children love me.

I KNOW that I have potential, promise, possibility.
I KNOW that I am a good mother.
I KNOW that I am a good student.

I do not feel any of those things...except the *rarely* feeling loved.

I doubt myself.
I doubt my abilities.
I beat myself up over things that are not my fault.
I battle the tapes that play in my head on a daily basis....
...those tapes that say I am not enough...
...not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not cheerful enough, not spiritual enough, not industrious enough, not organized enough, not a good enough friend.
I feel like if I only *tried* harder I could be/do enough.

So I battle on.
I am in counseling.
I am in a body of believers, learning and studying, and fellowshipping, and ministering.

This journey I am on is not easy.
I can't just "snap out of it," whatever "it" may be today.
I am learning how my past affects me on a daily basis, and I don't like it.
I am relearning things about how others see me...*VERY* different from how I see myself.
I am trying to give myself grace...room to grow and change, and to stop beating myself up.

How do I cry?

(and what does this have to do with my lack of feeling connected?!?)

I regularly see a counselor.  In my profession (Clinical Mental Health Counselor), we call it supervision...except that *I* really need this therapy.  I have seen a LOT of therapists over the years.  Good ones, not-so-good ones, and really great ones.  They have all been instrumental in getting me to THIS place in my healing.  I am grateful for the work they have done with me.

My most recent therapist is good for me.  I don't always like her.  I don't always agree with her.  But she is good for me.  She challenges me.  I need that.

This week, we were talking about how I have a VERY hard time connecting with people.  For as long as I can remember, I have felt like people felt more connected to me than any connection I felt for them.  It has been awkward.  It has been lonely.

I have people I consider my friends.  I enjoy spending time with them.  I miss them when we move.  But I have never had a close enough friend who actually came and visited me after we left the area.  I AM still friends with people from high school, and especially friends from college, but again, no one visits.  Really, my family doesn't visit, either.

So, my therapist and I were exploring why that was the case...why DON'T I have friends with whom I feel a deep connection?

She made an observation that originally put me on the defense.  She said that I don't connect with people because I do not interact on an emotional level.  All of my interactions are on an intellectual "head" level.  It is easy.  It is safe.  I won't get hurt.

This realization stings.  I have worked long and hard to NOT been seen as overly emotional.  I remember crying at the drop of a hat.  I remember being so angry that I scared myself (knife-throwing is not just a circus-trick!).  I was told I was a cry-baby, and to stop being such a stereo-typical hysterical female.  I was told that my crying was an attempt at emotional blackmail and manipulation.  My opinions, hurts, and frustrations were dismissed because I cried when I felt things deeply.

So, I quit crying.  For a LONG time.  It was not healthy.  It was lonely, and it was hard.

Then I started my healing journey, and allowed myself to cry again.  And THAT was really REALLY helpful in the healing process.  And I cried a LOT.

But life (God!) has a way of cycling us back through things, so that we can learn lessons from our repeated experiences.  And when Jason deployed in 2010/2011, my tears became depleted.  Besides, I had to be strong for my kids.  And then Jason was home, and was a pastor, and I had to be strong and "on" for the people in our church.  And more hard things assaulted us, and I still had to be strong.  So, I was right back to suppressing the tears.

So this brings us to NOW.  Life is still hard, and I still need to be strong.  And the tears that I now WANT to cry won't come.  They have been suppressed for so long that I find it hard to let them out.  I NEED to let them flow.  I need friends who are able to sit with me through the tears, and to help walk me through the process of tears and anger and a normal range of emotions, and still be there on the other side of the flood.

I don't have a lot of answers for how this plays out.
My friends that feel safe to me are more than 12 hours away.
Besides, my life is full and good.  Some days I don't want to rock the boat.
But there is more...Oh, so much more...and I want to be free to experience the whole spectrum of emotions.

Help me say goodbye

There is nothing quite as painful as telling a family member goodbye.
Unless it is telling your child goodbye.

In the last six weeks, there have been losses.
Painful ones.
Friends have lost an aunt.
A mother.
A sister.
A daughter.
Among those I consider friends, there have been 4 deaths in those six weeks.

One in her 90s, one in her 40s, one in her 20s, and one only 3 years of age.

To old age, and dementia, and cancer, and drowning.

No matter how a life is lost, someone hurts over the absence of a loved one.

As I have mourned with my friends, so many things have swirled through my head.  I have regrets over things unable to be said.  I have the shared sorrow of a child whose life was cut short.  I have the sadness that accompanies any death attributable to any of the above diseases and accidents.

I also have a hopeful anticipation that I will see each of these beautiful people again...for each claimed the name of Jesus the Christ.  In this I find hope.  Because without that hope, I would be, of all people, most miserable.

For Jean, and Glenda, and Brittany, and Abby...I am looking forward to being reunited!

For the families, the pain is great...I'm praying for you!

Deployment Gremlins: Part 1

"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

I am sure that all of us are familiar with Mr. Murphy and his predictive laws.  We would probably even add a qualifying line to the end to say, "at the worst possible time."  As military family members, we are only too familiar with the affects of the law, and we seem to have a  common name for the "enforcers" of that law, known across the branches as "deployment gremlins."

Every military spouse has their stories to tell about their experiences with the gremlins.  These gremlins are those things that tend to go wrong as soon as their spouse steps on the plane or ship, headed away for any period of time.  I am going to start with one of my stories, and I'd love to hear your similar stories.

My husband's first duty station and deployment was on board a mine-sweeper, which is a tiny ship, and the community of spouses is even smaller.  Prior to that deployment, Jason volunteered me to be the Ombudsman**for the ship, which meant that I had to go through a training, and then be available for the other family members throughout the four-month deployment.  At this point in time, I was about 8 months pregnant, due one week before the ship deployed, with my fifth child.  The CO's wife and I successfully finished the training, and had a meeting for all the wives, which was exactly one week before the scheduled deployment date.  

I ended up going into labor that evening, during the meeting, and had my beautiful little girl sometime around midnight.

Fast-forward one week.

The ship actually left on schedule, and I was one week postpartum, with five children.  I had to be on the dock with the other spouses, which ended up being a miserable three hours with my newborn, a 2-year-old, a 4-year-old, a 6-year-old, and an 8-year-old, and with nowhere to sit.

When I finally got to go home (one WEEK postpartum - still not supposed to be driving, but what is a military wife 19 hours away from family supposed to do?!?), I was not feeling good, and was bleeding profusely. I called my midwife (I had a home birth with her in attendance), and after threatening me with a ride to the hospital, she extracted a promise from me to go to bed.  Then she called one of my neighbors that she knew, and sent her over to make sure I was actually IN bed and stayed there. 

What happened over the next few weeks was an amazing picture of God's people pulling together to help me in my time of need.  I cannot tell you who organized it all, or even the names of all of the people who participated in helping us.  I DO remember 6 weeks of meals, my house being cleaned, my older 4 children being taken on outings to the Aquarium, and on play dates with other friends from church.  I was ministered to in a way that I will NEVER forget. 

So, what started out as a VERY difficult situation turned into an opportunity and a blessing.  Those gremlins are nasty little guys, but God used them in amazing ways in our lives that summer. 

And now I would LOVE to hear some of your Deployment Gremlin stories!!

***********************************
**om·buds·man (from Dictionary.com)
1.a government official who hears and investigates complaints by private citizens against other officials or government agencies.
2.a person who investigates and attempts to resolve complaints and problems, as between employees and an employer or between students and a university.
***********************************

Ever had one of THOSE days...

...when you wonder why you bothered getting out of bed? 
...when you are amazed that your children made it out of the house alive, never mind dressed and fed?
...when you teeter on the edge of road rage, simply because there is a road and other drivers are on it?

Yeah, no, me either.  Ha.

This is one of those mornings.  I want to run away.  Far, far away.  I want to beat on walls.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs.  Would you believe that ramming other cars off the road actually went through my mind this morning?!?  (Probably NOT good to do, since I was surrounded by HUGE pickup trucks, and I was driving Jason's little Honda Civic!).  I want to kick the dog AND the cat. 

I haven't done any of those things.  Not even close.  But the fact that I feel this way and that these thoughts are even going through my mind is telling a tale of stress over-load.  I am TIRED, beyond belief.  I am stressed by school.  And kids.  And bills.  And taking care of the physical side of being and doing all by myself for now.  Did I mention that I was tired? 

So, this morning, instead of ramming those huge trucks off the road, I yelled at God.  "WHY AM I SO GRUMPY?!?"  (I was in the car, by myself...I hope nobody heard me.)  I didn't hear any voices.   I didn't get rescued.  (Oh, how I long to be rescued from the housework, the homework, the yard work, etc.). 

Instead, I was reminded of a few things.  First, that THIS is exactly when I need to put on my big-girl-pants, and deal.  My feelings are lying to me.  I KNOW my husband loves me.  I KNOW that I will live through this semester.  I KNOW that my children will be fed, and clothed, and will get to and from school.  I just have to pick up and keep going.  Second, I have to keep working to take care of me.  Actually eating, and sleeping, and showering, and meeting with those responsible for keeping my head squarely on my shoulders.  Finally, I DO have friends who want to help...if I can just figure out how, and ask them.  Or meet them for lunch....in 2 1/2 hours...

Better get moving...the shower is calling...and Olive Garden.  Yum.  Must move.
(God, thank you for those reminders this morning!)

So Long, and thanks for all the....

...Good wishes!


We had a GREAT time tonight with 70+ people at our house for Jason's farewell party.


It was a TON of fun.

Great friends.

Good food.

Great conversation.


Lots of good wishes.

And prayers for the next year.

I am SO very thankful for my church family!!

Family Pictures!!!

Like I posted yesterday, we had an amazing photo shoot on the beach, and in our yard, with our friend Jimmy Sadler. He does AMAZING work, and is also a very creative writer. Go see his work at his website: http://www.jimmysadler.com/

Beach Fun

Today was an absolutely amazing day. We have had a family picture day in the works for a while, and it finally worked....and let me just say that I think we all had a BLAST!! Our photographer was an "old" friend from Bible College days, who lives about an hour away from us, and who was able to come and spend the afternoon with us on the beach. Jimmy is an amazing photographer, a gifted writer, and I am so blessed to call him a friend. Can't wait to see the pictures!!! Meanwhile, go check out his website, and see if you agree with me... Jimmy Sadler, you're an amazingly creative mobile dustpile!!

On life and studying

As I am sure you are aware by now, my life and stress level have accelerated recently. With starting grad school, I have had to make quite a few changes, including cutting back on my work level (paid work), and really revisiting my study habits. Doing that and preparing for my husband to be gone have made me realize how lazy I have gotten in recent years. That's not an easy or nice realization. I don't think of myself as lazy. Or, maybe I should say I don't *like* to think of myself as lazy.

I did not become lazy intentionally. I didn't think about it. This "just happened." I DID think consciously about allowing my husband to be more of the leader in our home. Unfortunately, I allowed that to go to such a degree that I have abdicated much more responsibility than I should have. UGH. Now, with him planning to be gone for a whole year, suddenly I find myself having to assume many more responsibilities than I have handled in the last several years. Paying bills. Filling the gas tanks. Making all of the day-to-day decisions for children's activities. For my own activities.

So now I find myself needing motivation that I haven't had for quite a while. Motivation to keep my house clean. Motivation to actually COOK meals. And plan meals. And self-care stuff...like taking showers on days that I don't have anywhere to go. And finding someone to talk to. And staying in fellowship with other believers. And maintaining my own spiritual feeding and growth. So many things that I have sadly neglected or pushed off on my husband.

I am SO glad that he has been able to be such a help to me. I am grateful for this opportunity for him...even though I am going to miss him A LOT. Because, let me tell you, that man of mine is amazing. He is a leader...in our home, our church, and in the Navy. I am very excited to watch him, and watch what God is doing in and through him, especially during this challenging next year.

But this post is about me, and my recent (re)discovery of my own laziness. And I am realizing that I need friends in my life on a (very) regular basis to help me in this process. I have also come to the conclusion that I don't have CLOSE personal friends. Oh, I have a LOT of "friends" - at church, in the Navy community, in our neighborhood, across the country in places we have lived in the past. Sadly, I don't know if I can call on most of them any time of the day, just to dump, or if I could ask for help with transportation problems. I KNOW I can count on most for emergencies...just because they're awesome like that. But, personally, I feel strange asking anyone for help.

See, I have these tapes that play in my head. Tapes that are recordings of things people have said to me, or in my hearing, in the past. Logical or not, those tapes play over and over, telling me all kinds of strange things. These tapes say that people will see me as "too needy," or that people will think poorly of me or think of me as a manipulator if I ask for help. I hear those tapes saying that I should just suck it up, and deal with it, because I was the one that chose to have so many children, so I should deal with the results of those choices. I still hear those tapes saying that only weaklings need counseling - - even though I KNOW BETTER. I hear those tapes blaming ME for everything from world over-population to the depletion of the ozone layer. See...I told you those tapes were not necessarily logical.

So, in the midst of an extremely challenging period in my life, I am realizing that I need to concentrate on developing some very good, deep friendships. And honestly, I don't know where to start. Because I think I have had *1* very good, very deep friendship as an adult (aside from my husband) - and that was/is a VERY long-distance friendship...and I need good, LOCAL friends...friends with skin on, right here, in my house, hanging out, coaxing me out of my house, and encouraging me in the dailiness of my life.

What kind of friends?

I have always had a difficult time making good friends.

As a child, we lived in a very exclusive community where our family was the newcomers. Even after 12 years, I never felt accepted. I am sure my mom never felt very accepted as well.

I left and went to college, and made a lot of friends. I had roommates and hallmates and classmates, and dormmates. I had choir friends and lunch and dinner friends. I still felt like an outsider.

We were married soon after college, and I had a whole new circle of friends...church friends, work friends, neighbors. I still felt like an outsider.

When we had been married for 7 years, my husband went active duty in the Navy and we started a whole new way of life. Our first move was to a Navy community in south Texas, where I first experienced the concept of the military family. I met amazing people from all over with a huge variety of experiences and backgrounds. I learned how to make friends quickly, because we don't have the luxury of settling in somewhere "forever" and we never know when our new friends will be transferred.

When we moved 33 hours away to Montana, I learned how hard it was to try to be a military wife in a non-military community...where people don't make fast friends quickly, and where you have to prove your staying ability before you will be accepted. After 4 1/2 years, I still didn't have any close friends. Oh, I had friends....church friends, neighbors, co-workers, customers....they were (and still are!) friendly enough, but I never found anyone I really connected with.

Now that we have been in Virginia for just over a year, I am actually finding good friends...people I can connect with...accepting and loving me where I am. I am feeling like I finally belong somewhere.

All of this has made me think a lot about how much effort we put into our friendships. I know we can't all be the "BEST FRIENDS" with everyone in our realm of influence. I just wonder how many of us go through our lives never really connecting with a good friend, one that will be with us through whatever direction our lives take.

Headed into the weekend

I have *finally* caught up on my work enough that I don't feel horribly overwhelmed with work for the weekend. As always, the weekend is full...

Jason had two softball games tonight,
Frances played with the marching band for a football game,
tomorrow includes Ladies' Brew Group, with my needing to be there early,
Jon heading to a birthday party of a kid from church,
setup for church on Sunday morning,
two church services,
tear down afterwards,
house cleaning and laundry sometime in there,
and finishing up the last of my work for the week.

In the mean time, I've been catching up with friends from college...figuring out where they are and what they're all doing. It's exciting to see from the approximately 7 years of Bible College and Seminary grads I know that there are a large number overseas in various countries, and in many and varied positions across this country. The most exciting part is the depth of the relationships each has with the Lord, and the various pathways God has led each down. I have friends in Japan, Germany, Hungary, Switzerland, Peru, India, and several other countries. I have friends in computer work, film, radio, television, working in Christian schools and public schools and teaching in colleges, working with handicapped children and underpriviledged children, friends who are pastors and pastors' wives, youth ministers, missionaries, music ministers and music teachers. For the last few years, I have felt alone, isolated from people who believed as I do, from people who have the firm foundation in Scriptures we all received in Bible College. Now that I am able to reconnect with these friends, I no longer feel so alone.

So, who have you caught up with this week?