Finding my Footing

Every move feels like a climb.
A long, slow, exhausting climb.
Dragging my whole family, and all of our worldly goods behind us.

The move itself usually goes pretty smoothly...after all, we've done this a few times, and know what to expect (the unexpected!!), so we're prepared, for the most part, when things happen.

The sequence of events is something like this:
We get orders, usually about six months before the expected move, and start preparations.

I start dumping things...things that have accumulated because of where we are (the snow shovels from Montana would NOT be needed in Virginia Beach!), things that have accumulated because of how long we have been in one place (the stuff expands to fill the space available...NO we do NOT need 11 bicycles!!), and all the papers.  So. Many. Papers.

We plan the date for the movers to come evaluate the household goods.

We plan the date for the movers to come pack the household goods.

We pack beloved things that we fear may be broken (or stolen!) to carry in our personal vehicles.

We plan the clothes we'll need for the transition period, until our household goods are delivered.

With the last move, there was the extra step of preparing the house to sell, and selling it.

We get the vehicles ready for the long drive.

We gather medical records and school records and veterinary records.

The movers come and pack the household goods.

We pack all of the rest of it into our personal vehicles, and stuff the children and the dog in there, too.

Somewhere in the midst of this, Jason is checking out of his command, there are farewell parties, and dinners, and last-minute get-togethers.

And suddenly, it is all over, and we are driving out of the town/city we have grown to love, and are off to a new adventure in a new place.

For a little while, the new is good...there is excitement about new schools, and new jobs, and figuring out a new house, and a new community, and finding a new church.

Then the reality of the newness really sinks in, and every one of us starts to miss the friends left behind, and the feeling of familiarity that helped us feel comfortable in the area, and suddenly the new is hard.

And the hard doesn't go away, and there is no way to make it easier.  Making new friends, and finding one's way around a new community, and learning cultural expectations in a new place are always a process, and they just have to be lived through.  There is no skipping over them.  So, everyone just keeps going, and keeps doing, and tries to make the best of the hard, dark middle, recognizing that there WILL be light...hopefully sooner, rather than later.

And then one day, after months of climbing, and slipping, and sometimes falling, suddenly we find ourselves getting to an easier part of the climb.  We can see light.  We have friends again.  We have found our way around town (without the GPS!).  We know how to get to the grocery store, and the mall, and the doctor, and the dentist...and we realize that the climb has gotten easier, and we can actually see something besides the trail in front of us.

And this is when we find our footing again.  For myself, for a lot of this past year, I have felt like the whole climb has been up a muddy, slippery slope, and I just couldn't get a grip, or find any toe-holds.  This part of the climb has been spent staving off depression, and loneliness, and anxiety.  Feeling unsure of my footing, or of my future, left me fearful and served to emphasize other difficulties we were experiencing at the same time.

Now, I can feel the fog lifting, and I can see the horizon.  I look down, and I find solid places to put my feet, and I know that the climb has been worth it, and we are coming out the other side...stronger, steadier, and hopefully growing through this long, hard climb.

What's MY Super-Power?

For a lot of years (LONG prior to the production of the Incredibles!), I have WISHED I could have the super power of invisibility.


I wanted to disappear into the wallpaper.
I wanted no one to see how awkward I was (and, paradoxically, I wanted SOMEONE to notice and love me despite...).
I wanted to be able to disappear when I was being teased, or abused, or made fun of, or....

Now, however, my wish is a bit different.  It seems, on some days, as if my wish HAS come true, and I AM invisible.  NO ONE notices the tears, or the dark cloud, or the silence around me.  NO ONE notices my aloneness.  I walk through the halls at church, and I know no one besides my family (granted, it's a BIG church).  I go to the Commissary, and I don't see any familiar faces.  I walk around my neighborhood, and rarely see anyone I am even familiar with, never mind KNOWING anyone.

We are now 8 months out from having moved away from the place we lived for SEVEN YEARS.  I have friends there.  I knew almost every single bagger and cashier and manager at my local Kroger, at the gas station, at the bank, at every single one of the six separate schools my kids went to.  I had the time and opportunity to KNOW my neighborhood there.  If we were to have taken a walk through my neighborhood, I'd have been able to point out to you where my kids' friends lived, where the neighbor who drove too fast (and likely still didn't have his drivers' license!) lived, where the single mom moved to, after she left her husband, where my geriatric friend lived before she passed away....I KNEW my neighborhood, because we lived in it for four years.

I think this is one of the hardest periods as a military spouse.  Yes, deployments are HARD.  The actual move is HARD.  But I really think this settling-in period after the move is in some way harder.

After six months, my friends from our previous duty station are moving on, spending time with others, finding other ways to fill their time, other people to go to lunch with, other coffee-buddies.  Skype dates still DO happen, but it's not the same as having a hug, and a cup of coffee together, or looking forward to lunch out at Applebee's.

And meanwhile, I AM meeting people, but six, or seven, or eight months is not a lot of time in which to make new connections, and build relationships.  So, some days I feel really invisible, as if I somehow DID finally get my super-power wish.

Thankfully, I know Someone who is always here, who loves me through the hard days, and has ALWAYS known my name, and sees me, even when no one else seems to.

Parenting at the intersection of faith and military life: Friendships

At 5:30 this morning, I found myself sitting in my truck, waiting outside of the Inn here on base, playing on my phone (free wifi!!), facilitating yet another goodbye for my children.  This time, it was a friend of my 13-year-old, leaving to move to another Air Force base, in a state several hundred miles away.  Last time, it was us moving.  Next time, it may be us, and it may be another friend...I don't know, but I DO know that it WILL happen again.  Such is military life.  

As I waited, I thought of the strength of my children and their friends.
How quickly they make friends in new places.
How deep those friendships grow.
How strong they are in their "goodbyes" and "see ya laters".
Their hope, and their strength, and their deep love for their friends.

My children are strong, and amaze me every day with their resilience and adaptability.

For this, I am grateful.

Life on the Move, and Finding a Church

As a military family, we have moved a LOT.

"Home" is in South Carolina.
That's where our families are.
That is where we were married and lived for the first 8 years of our marriage.
That is where 2/3 of our children were born.




But then, the Navy...yes, Jason IS a reservist.  AND he is active duty.  Welcome to my confusing life.

And "A" school in Meridian, MS (The kids and I were still in SC).






And two homes in Portland, TX...because we added another child!










And two homes in Helena, MT...because we added another child!







And two homes in Virginia Beach, VA...because we bought a house!






And ONE home in Bedford/Lincoln/Lexington, MA.






Of course, prior to Jason going active duty in the Navy, we moved a LOT, also.
We were in a trailer in Gaston, SC for a couple of months...
...stayed with Jason's parents in SC for a month or two...
...an apartment in Columbia, SC for a couple of months...
...9 months renting a house in Due West, SC...
...6 weeks house-sitting...
...about a year in a make-shift house outside of Columbia...
...about 2 years in a duplex in Columbia...
...about 2 years in a trailer outside of Columbia...
...about 3 years in the house we built in Gilbert, SC...
...and six months at my brother's house in Edgefield, SC.

That is a total of 17 different places our family has lived in 22 years of marriage.

All of that moving has meant that we have had a LOT of neighbors (howdy, good neighbor!), and been part of a number of churches...and have many friends from all of them.

West Columbia Evangelical (now named Augusta Street Church) was home for 7 years.
Calvary Chapel of Greenwood, SC was where we attended for the time we lived in Due West, SC.
In Texas, we went to Calvary Chapel Coastlands for about a year, and then to New Community Church in Portland for the remainder of our time in TX.
In Montana, we were happy to quickly find Hannaford Bible Church, and attended there for all of the 4 1/2 years we lived there.
In Virginia Beach, we were part of Reality Church for 7 years, and then at Tabernacle Church in Norfolk, VA for a year.
Now we are part of Grace Chapel, in Lexington, MA.

Even though we have been far from our biological family, God has provided His family for us in many different places, and during some very difficult years, and we are grateful.

If there is one thing I would tell any nomadic family (be it military, missionary, or otherwise), I would STRONGLY urge you to find a good church family.  That family will be who walks with you through transitions, and who provides support and encouragement during those times when your family-of-origin cannot be with you.

Of course, finding a church family that feels like home is not always easy.  Different areas of the country have different expectations and cultures within their churches, and you may have difficulty finding a church that fits your family, or that fits your expectations of how church is "supposed to" look.

A few tips on finding a church in a new area:

1. Pray.  Ask God to guide you to where He wants you to be.

2. List.  Make a list of what you need to have in a church.  Theology?  Affiliation with a particular denomination? Programs for kids? A good choir? Men's/Women's ministry?

3. Pray some more.

4. Google.  Using your list, go find websites for churches in your area.  Look at their "What We Believe" section, the programs they offer, who they are affiliated with.

5. Pray over the churches you find that fit your criteria.

6. Visit the churches...plan to attend each church for at least two Sundays, and as many other meetings as you can get to during that time period.


7.  Pray some more...keep asking God for His guidance.

If you find a church that feels/seems right, visit it for another couple of weeks to months, making sure that it is the right place for you.  Plug into small groups, get involved in learning about the way this body of believers does life together, make connections with people.  A good church is not just about theology and programs...a good church provides a place for people to connect with God and with each other.

Contentment

I was talking in class the other day about where I am, personally, with my spiritual life, professional life, and personally/emotionally.  I said something that (I *think*) probably had most of the 20-somethings in the class scratching their heads.  I know it has me scratching *MY* head...

We have been doing this active-duty military nomadic lifestyle now for 10-ish years.  Prior to that, we moved.  A LOT.  Granted, that moving was within about a 50 mile radius, but we moved.  I think I've figured out that in our 18 years of marriage we have moved something like 16 or 17 times.  After a while, it gets in your blood.

Given that, you would think that I like change.  Not so much.  I like structure and stability. 

So, let's review. 
Moving = change =/= structure and stability.

And Laura does not like change. 

So, how did I find these words coming out of my mouth?!? 
"I see change in my future, and I am okay with that." 
Whuck?!?

Even moreso, I said, "I see us moving again in the not-too-distant future, and I am okay with that, too."
HUH?!?

Where did this come from? 

We *just* moved into a house that we BOUGHT...that is monumental.  We have been living in rentals F-O-R-E-V-E-R.  I like having my own house.  I like being able to plant things in the yard.  And not worrying about the "housing police" fussing about how many cars were parked in our driveway/yard/street.  And being able to make plans to rip up the carpet and put in hardwood. 

Something snuck up on me while I wasn't looking...this thing called contentment.

This is not contentment with the status quo.  Been there.  Don't like that.

This is not contentment to stay planted in one place.  Remember the whole moving thing?

This is something vastly different.  Something I am still processing.  Something that makes me wonder what happened to me in the last few weeks that changed my perception of my world. 

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." Phil. 4:11

Musings, Reflections, and Dumping....

If you have followed along with our journey so far, you know that our family has been through the wringer a few times. Each time I realize all over again one of the reasons we go through these is to draw me closer to my God, to remind me yet again that that He LOVES me, and that HE wants a relationship with ME. Amazing.

This current situation is no different. Our pastor spoke this morning about creating space in our lives. About slowing down. Giving ourselves a margin. Yeah. Ouch. I was already trying to pull back from things a couple of months ago. Some of my friends will remember that I asked for help in sorting through my commitments, prioritizing them. I was able to drop a few things...just in time of a new spate of doctor's appointments and physical therapy, which immediately ate up every bit of margin I had eeked out of my crowded schedule.

This weekend has been a MUCH-needed restful one. We went to Colonial Williamsburg. We hung out with friends. We have grilling, laundry, and a trip to the beach planned for tomorrow. I slept. Friday night I slept for 10 hours. Last night I got about 7 hours. This afternoon I took a 3 hour nap. I am STILL exhausted.

I have found that when I am tired I lose perspective in a hurry. I start throwing blame around. I get emotional and (for lack of a better word) b*tchy. In general, a really NOT nice person to be around.

I hate when I get this way. I am overwhelmed. I am sad. I am emotional. I want answers for my daughter...and yet I am afraid of what those answers will mean for her and us. There is WAY too much going on in my life right now for me to take a break from life, which is what I really want to do. I want to take a sabbatical. To go away to a cabin in the mountains and read, and rest, and write. Yeah, not happening for a while.

Meanwhile, there is so much to anticipate happening in the next 3 to 9 months. A move. New schools. A deployment. And whatever those dreaded/anticipated results bring on Tuesday.

So, I have a question for any parents who have dealt long-term with their own children's health issues...right now things are in crisis mode. How do you deal, long-term? What can I expect? How do I keep the balance in the house, with the kids? How do I *not* lose it?

I depend on your prayers my friends. Thank you for holding us up...

What kind of friends?

I have always had a difficult time making good friends.

As a child, we lived in a very exclusive community where our family was the newcomers. Even after 12 years, I never felt accepted. I am sure my mom never felt very accepted as well.

I left and went to college, and made a lot of friends. I had roommates and hallmates and classmates, and dormmates. I had choir friends and lunch and dinner friends. I still felt like an outsider.

We were married soon after college, and I had a whole new circle of friends...church friends, work friends, neighbors. I still felt like an outsider.

When we had been married for 7 years, my husband went active duty in the Navy and we started a whole new way of life. Our first move was to a Navy community in south Texas, where I first experienced the concept of the military family. I met amazing people from all over with a huge variety of experiences and backgrounds. I learned how to make friends quickly, because we don't have the luxury of settling in somewhere "forever" and we never know when our new friends will be transferred.

When we moved 33 hours away to Montana, I learned how hard it was to try to be a military wife in a non-military community...where people don't make fast friends quickly, and where you have to prove your staying ability before you will be accepted. After 4 1/2 years, I still didn't have any close friends. Oh, I had friends....church friends, neighbors, co-workers, customers....they were (and still are!) friendly enough, but I never found anyone I really connected with.

Now that we have been in Virginia for just over a year, I am actually finding good friends...people I can connect with...accepting and loving me where I am. I am feeling like I finally belong somewhere.

All of this has made me think a lot about how much effort we put into our friendships. I know we can't all be the "BEST FRIENDS" with everyone in our realm of influence. I just wonder how many of us go through our lives never really connecting with a good friend, one that will be with us through whatever direction our lives take.

I'm gonna get a little sappy...

I'm having one of THOSE days....I talked to a friend in Helena, MT last night, and today I am remembering all of the things I miss because we're not there any more....

This is our side yard...in a snow storm...

And the view of our nearest neighbors, after the snow storm...

This is a view of the Missouri River at the Gates of the Mountains...we went on a boat tour there after Jason did his reenlistment there.

The next three are views of Helena from the side of Mt. Helena.

And this last one is a beautiful sunset viewed from our front porch.

Do you ever get nostagic about places you've lived in the past?

And now...

...back your regularly scheduled programming.

In other words, life goes on, whether or not I am busy. Kids still have baseball (well, except that it's been raining again), and school (except for the one that got suspended for the day yesterday), and laundry has to be done, and dishes keep piling up in the kitchen sink.

Hopefully the two practices and one game scheduled for tonight go on as previously scheduled. At this moment there is no rain falling, though the ground is still completely saturated, and there are puddles all around. I anticipate very muddy children coming home this evening!

Which means more laundry. YIPPEE.

The eldest was in a flute trio competing yesterday at another middle school. Which meant another drive across town. I think they did very well...still waiting to hear results, though.

Some of the neighbors are moving....the dad is headed to Iraq, so the family is moving closer to family. Their little girl is in kindergarten with my 6 year old. We've had her over in the afternoons yesterday and today to play while the packers have taken over their house. Last night, after she left, I had to deal with tears over losing a friend. What can I say? This WILL be the story of their lives as long as their dad is in the military. Thankfully, cheap telephone minutes and internet access help shorten the distance between friends.

And now, we are preparing for a 5th grade graduation, softball season, and summer vacation. And more work. And more friends moving....

....yes, life does go on.

Questions and Answers

From time to time people ask me questions or say things that I want to respond to, and I've been trying to figure out how to do that, so here is my attempt at that.

Becky at Lazy Daisy Log suggested we go out for coffee when she gets into town...Becky, I'm excited! We have no friends here yet, so going out with anyone will be the news of the week!!!

Sarah, at My Life With Boys told the story of her births...I just wanted to add...I have had 6 live births, only one of which was actually "on time"....only because the doctors scheduled an early C-section for my breach #1 child. The rest were 7 days late, 10 days late, 21 days late, 24 days late, and 25 days late. They were also HUGE....well, my early one was 7#7oz....and they went up from there...2 - 8 lbers, 2 - 9 lbers, and one that was 10# 3oz. Surprisingly, the 10lb one was one the easier births!

Melanie over at Monday through Sunday asked about our Brew Groups at church. I really enjoy our Brew Group...this is the 4th church that we've been in that has a similar thing, and we really like it. It has helped us make closer friends within the church, and has been helpful to be in a group of similar-minded, similar-aged people, dealing with similar problems, but able to come at things from different perspectives. The Mama over at Our Seven Qtpies mentions sending her sister over to visit...please, send her...if she's ready to ROCK at 10:00 on Sunday morning...because this church service defines CONTEMPORARY. I know that style is not for everyone, but we enjoy it....

Oh, and an update on my "Pins and Needles" post.....hubby arrived safely in Virginia around 7:00 pm on Tuesday, after driving for 3 long days. Thank you to everyone for your prayers! They are much appreciated! We are all glad to have hubby/daddy here!

Cynthia at Life is Good asked about my transcription work. I have only just started this week doing medical transcription, working through a service. For years I have tried to get into this, but it never worked...until now....God's timing in all things, I suppose....the services always wanted 2 years of in-office experience, which I don't have. I've done legal transcription in-office, but only took a class on medical terminology, and worked doing billing, and appointment setting in a medical setting. Now, I get my chance.....

Mike, over at Gunny's Gouge is threatening to take away my Girl Scout cookies....good thing you're clear across the country, Mike! Go find some poor, unsuspecting Girl Scout where you are! Oh, and by the way, don't you DARE get my husband in on the whole "What Not to Wear" thing!! One more thing....you remind me of my FIL, a retired Marine.....THAT is why I keep coming back for more!

Sallie, Mike's wife, asked if we still homeschool. Unfortunately, no. I miss homeschooling some days....mainly, I really miss the flexibility that homeschooling allows. I had to stop homeschooling after I went back to work full-time while we were in Montana. I found that it is VERY difficult to homeschool 4 children and work full-time overnights, and remain sane....never mind trying to clean house, cook meals, go to church....or even stay awake!!

Beth, I think you missunderstand me....I LOVE being back on the East Coast. We are now 30 hours closer to family. I love being in an area known for less harsh winters, and more humidity. While it is an adjustment, so is every move.

Okay, me thinks I have covered them all....hope everyone has a GREAT Sunday! I'm off to get ready to head out to our VERY contemporary, VERY rockin' church service!!

Adjustments

It's raining outside. The cat is sitting at the back door, looking out at the rain. My hair has taken on a life of its own...more curls than usual! After 4 years of living in about 12% relative humidity, 75%-95% on a daily basis is a huge change! My skin REALLY loves this change...I'm using WAY less lotions and potions. BUT MY HAIR!!! It's unmanageable...it's like having some kind of perpetual bad-hair-day. It's SO frustrating! Thank goodness for things like Garnier Fructis Spray Gel...it really helps to tame the wild beast!

Oh, the cat...she has decided that she really likes her new home. She likes the stairs, and having new places to hide. She absolutely LOVES sitting in the window upstairs, and staring out at the squirrels...she SO wants to chase them. Poor kitty!

Other adjustments to life on the East Coast keep showing up...my sinuses and ears are having issues. My children all are dealing with some kind of cold...I know...it's that time of year. I am confused by the new roads, and frustrated with the schools, and just plain p.o.'d at the clinic on base. On the plus side, I AM learning to find my way around town, without having to print off directions from Mapquest every time.

I was VERY excited to be moving back to the East Coast. Now, I am starting to re-think this whole East Coast thing. There are WAY more people here, which translates to mean there is WAY more crime here (see here). It also means that the traffic problems are multiplied. And that the proliferation of iritating people is at an all-time high. I'm beginning to think that I *might* have an attitude problem...have I ever mentioned that I don't like change?!?

Time for an attitude adjustment!!

Steps in the Journey

I have been a Christian for just over 27 years. I was 11 when I said the prayer (yeah, you do the math! ). In my naive thoughts, my life was supposed to be easy. No struggles. No battling with sin. After all, I was a Christian. That meant that the path was all laid out for me, and would be easy to find, and easier to follow. Boy, was I mistaken. As a teen, I struggled, as do most teens, with rebellion in some form or another. I also struggled with depression. I was in a very legalistic church, and struggled with obeying the many rules, and with the path my life would take. We didn't belong there...we were WAY different. My parents expected us to go to college...very few of my friends even graduated from high school. College was good, but it was also hard. I was going to Bible College, and there were so many different people there...with different backgrounds, and different beliefs. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. I learned that there IS good Christian life without the abundance of legalism. I met my husband! When we were dating, my struggles changed. My friends and my family didn't like my boyfriend. They didn't like him as my fiance, either. My parents liked him a LOT less as my husband, and it got worse as we had children, and our finances got tighter. I struggled with depression, and with burn-out from my time in Bible College, the stress of working full-time, and trying to make ends meet. We spent 4 long years not speaking to my parents. We dealt with job changes, moves, car accidents, a miscarriage, a run-in with DSS, and a church that just didn't quiet "get" us. Did I mention the depression? It was part of everything...just there in the background....kind of "mood music." Then my husband had an affair. The kids and I moved in with my brother. My husband repented. I was overjoyed, and very apprehensive. This time, it was his family that wouldn't talk to us. My husband moved home. We decided that this would be a good time for him to try to go active duty in the Navy. He had been a reservist for a year, and we needed him to have a good, full-time job...one that would support us. Oh, and the depression was getting worse. We moved to Texas after he finished A-school in Mississippi. I learned a lot about Navy life. I homeschooled 2 of our children, and had another beautiful little girl 1 week before his ship deployed. I was the Ombudsman, so I was BUSY...too busy to think about ME. Life in a homeschooling house, with 5 children, one of whom is less than 6 months old, is CRAZY. Add in dealing with the drama that is ship-life...that summer was FULL. Finances were always a problem...as were the cars. I was still dealing with the depression, and I hadn't yet learned how to trust my husband again. When that beautiful little girl was 18 months old, and I was 5 months pregnant with the next, we moved to Montana. That was a LONG drive! Two adults (one pregnant), 5 children, 2 cars, driving from south Texas to Montana...a 33 hour drive, according to Mapquest. We stopped off with some friends in the northern part of TX....only 14 hours into our trip. We stopped in Cheyenne, WY, for a night. We were supposed to make it all the way to our destination in MT the next day. One of the cars died in a tiny little town in Wyoming. We spent the night there, and bought a van...a 1988 conversion van...a V-8, running on 6....burning gas like there was no tomorrow. Somehow we limped into town, having spent our last $2.64 on gas. We had no money for the motel, dinner, gas. We knew no one. Fortunately, one of the guys from the reserve center where hubby was going rescued us. Life in Montana was hard. Hubby was at a tiny command...with 8 active duty, and about 100 reservists. Very little in the way of support for the family of the active duty. We found a great church, and got involved quickly. I was still homeschooling, and jumped right into the homeschool community. The kids were involved in AWANA. I was involved in the women's ministry. Hubby ran sound at church, and was involved in the men's ministry. We went to couples' retreats. I was depressed...more than ever. I tried counseling. I still couldn't figure out how to trust hubby. I felt like there was something terribly wrong with our relationship, and neither one of us could figure out what it was. Hubby decided it was him, and told me that he was moving out. He filed for divorce. My depression hit an all-time low. Our pastor referred me to a Biblical counselor. That counselor was a God-send...literally. God used him to turn around our marriage. I have learned to trust again. My walk with God is back on track. We were in counseling for just over a year. During that time, we learned to enjoy each other again...dates, having fun together. We also got new orders....we were moving back to the East Coast! Yippee! And fear....what would we do without our counselor? We graduated... ...and moved to Virginia. Hubby is still in Montana for another week, or so....but things are still on track. God has been SO good! He restored our marriage. He has provided for us in ways we never expected! Oh, and He took away the depression! For the first time in 20ish years, I am NOT depressed! I am amazed at all of the things that God has brought me though in the 27 years I've walked with Him. Each new turn is another adventure...definitely never a boring minute!