Parenting at the intersection of faith and military life: Friendships

At 5:30 this morning, I found myself sitting in my truck, waiting outside of the Inn here on base, playing on my phone (free wifi!!), facilitating yet another goodbye for my children.  This time, it was a friend of my 13-year-old, leaving to move to another Air Force base, in a state several hundred miles away.  Last time, it was us moving.  Next time, it may be us, and it may be another friend...I don't know, but I DO know that it WILL happen again.  Such is military life.  

As I waited, I thought of the strength of my children and their friends.
How quickly they make friends in new places.
How deep those friendships grow.
How strong they are in their "goodbyes" and "see ya laters".
Their hope, and their strength, and their deep love for their friends.

My children are strong, and amaze me every day with their resilience and adaptability.

For this, I am grateful.

Contentment

I was talking in class the other day about where I am, personally, with my spiritual life, professional life, and personally/emotionally.  I said something that (I *think*) probably had most of the 20-somethings in the class scratching their heads.  I know it has me scratching *MY* head...

We have been doing this active-duty military nomadic lifestyle now for 10-ish years.  Prior to that, we moved.  A LOT.  Granted, that moving was within about a 50 mile radius, but we moved.  I think I've figured out that in our 18 years of marriage we have moved something like 16 or 17 times.  After a while, it gets in your blood.

Given that, you would think that I like change.  Not so much.  I like structure and stability. 

So, let's review. 
Moving = change =/= structure and stability.

And Laura does not like change. 

So, how did I find these words coming out of my mouth?!? 
"I see change in my future, and I am okay with that." 
Whuck?!?

Even moreso, I said, "I see us moving again in the not-too-distant future, and I am okay with that, too."
HUH?!?

Where did this come from? 

We *just* moved into a house that we BOUGHT...that is monumental.  We have been living in rentals F-O-R-E-V-E-R.  I like having my own house.  I like being able to plant things in the yard.  And not worrying about the "housing police" fussing about how many cars were parked in our driveway/yard/street.  And being able to make plans to rip up the carpet and put in hardwood. 

Something snuck up on me while I wasn't looking...this thing called contentment.

This is not contentment with the status quo.  Been there.  Don't like that.

This is not contentment to stay planted in one place.  Remember the whole moving thing?

This is something vastly different.  Something I am still processing.  Something that makes me wonder what happened to me in the last few weeks that changed my perception of my world. 

"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." Phil. 4:11

Some days are a REAL struggle.

There.  I said it.

It seems like there are people who expect the military spouse to be either one of two extremes when their military half is deployed.  Either we are supposed to be a complete train-wreck, complete with mental breakdown, drugs, and hospitalization, or we are supposed to be all sunshine and roses, always hopeful, always smiling.

Guess what.  We are human.

Well, at least *I* am.  I can't vouch for all of the rest of the military spouses.

We are, after all, a very diverse group.  We hail from all 50 states, and quite a number of foreign countries.  We speak many different languages.  We are not all Democrats or Republicans, not necessarily Christian, agnostic, atheist, Wiccan, Budhist, or Hindi. Some work outside their homes.  Some work from home.  Some call home their work.  Frankly, we are as diverse as is the rest of the country, but there are fewer of us, and we seem to live in a fishbowl.

Since the military spouse community is SO very diverse, it is troubling...nay, frustrating...to be so stereotyped by Americans in general.  We get told so many things, and have so many things said about us that most of us could write articles....or even books...outlining all of the stereotypes.

For starters...Navy wives/Air Force wives/Army wives ALL sleep around on their husbands when they are deployed.  So there are some that probably do.  The majority of us don't have the time...we're too busy taking care of his house, his kids, his cars, his pets.  Again, *I* don't.

Oh, dear.  I got off track.  Sorry...this is part of one of my soap-box subjects.

The particular stereotype I started out to address is particularly hard for ME to deal with.  Sure, this lifestyle is hard, and very few people understand that (I think the latest statistic I saw said something like 1% of Americans live life as attachments to the military.  That's a really small number.).  For that, we get told, "Oh, you knew what you were getting into."  Um.  NO.  EMPHATICALLY NO.  I knew nothing about this.  Frankly, my husband got into the military prior to 9/11.  Things were a LOT different then.  Deployments were shorter (for the most part), and did not happen with the regularity they are happening now. 

We can't always hide our bad days.  For that, I hear "don't wear your heart on your sleeve," and "smile, it can't be *that* bad!"  REALLY?!?  How do you know?  Have you tried being Mom and Dad to 6 children who really don't understand why Dad can't come home for their birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, July 4th, or summer vacation?  Have you tried dealing with yet another round with Murphy and his danged laws, while your spouse is out of town?  Do NOT tell me "oh, I know *exactly* how you feel...my spouse is out of town for business for two weeks/a month."  Please do not expect my sympathy.  For that matter, don't expect my phone calls, either.  I've got too much going on. 

We DO have good days.  They just aren't every day.  Oh, how I wish.  Well, maybe not...that might be kind of boring.  And frankly, I need variety in my life.  One of the things I look forward to (yes, I said that) when my husband is gone is a time of growth...which is often fueled by those very difficult things that happen because he is gone.  Those are the things that I can look back on and know that they have been worthwhile because they have made me a better person.

Meanwhile, life is hard.  This deployment is getting to me.  Things are coming out of me that I don't like.  I want my husband home.  I want another person to help carry the load.  I want a lot of things that can't happen right now.

The good news is that things are better now than they were around the holidays.  My head is on straighter, my load is a little lighter...or maybe my back is stronger...or God has taken part of the load for me.  Whichever it is, things are more bearable.  And for that, I am grateful.

And, I just found another blog...where the writer talks about much of the same as what I have been experiencing...Go enjoy TheArmyWife(DUDE)!  He's good!

BlogSharing

I just stumbled on this most incredible new (to me) blog, called Regarding War. Every one of the writers is attached to the military in some way, some as former active-duty military members, some as parents of military members, and some as spouses of military members. I haven't had a chance to read through everything, but this looks like a blog I am going to go back and check out again.

Of mice and men...

...or How the Military can mess with your plans.

First off, grad school is looking less and less overwhelming, as the days pass, and especially so after this last weekend of playing catch-up. I am no longer BEHIND, and finally feel like I actually might be able to keep up. Believe me, this is a BEAUTIFUL thing!!

Today is the second day of school for the kids for the year. Everyone survived their first day back, and mom and dad survived signing away the forests of Virginia...seriously, how many reams of paper did they just waste to send all of that crap home....and that was just for MY children. Oh, but my house was SO nice and quiet yesterday. I got a LOT accomplished!!

My work schedule has had to be adjusted, of late, to accommodate the addition of classes to the schedule. It also means (*ahem*) that my husband thinks he can just add things for me to do, on a whim, and because I work from home I *should* be able to just go and do, at his bidding. Yeah, that creates a little tension in our house from time to time.

Yesterday he called me up to ask if I was *free* at 1:00 tomorrow (today). He is almost at the end of his tour with his current command, and there is to be an awards ceremony this afternoon, and the command wants me to attend. Of course, I said I could be there...I want to be supportive of him!!

But, this end-of-command brings up the real change of plans. The end of one set of orders means the beginning of another. Which means transition. Change. I don't do change...or rather, I don't LIKE change. And this one is a doozie. Jason is separating from this command on the 15th, and will have approximately a month off, after which he reports to his new command, to head out for training before leaving for what is affectionately (*insert sarcasm font*) known as the sandbox. For a year.

Now, I know a lot of people who have been down this route repeatedly. And lived through it. And their families survived. But the last time Jason was deployed was 8 years ago - and that was only for four months. I'm out of practice. And I'm more than a little nervous.

There's a LOT to deal with on the homefront, when there are as many people in the house as we have. It would be NICE to have a second driver while he's gone....but the oldest is terrified of driving, even though she could have gotten her license way back in February. And she is in marching band...which means practices and competitions and football games. And the next two are in band at the middle school....and one is going to be in the Art Club. And then there are activities for the three in elementary school.

Plus, Frances is still dealing with the numbness in her arms and hands, and after a year the doctors still haven't figured out why. All they can tell us is that her nerves are healthy, and everything looks normal. So we have periodic doctors' visits, more testing, and twice-weekly physical therapy appointments.

And then there is my school. And work. And church. See why I'm a little nervous about his leaving? There's only one of me. And there is enough to keep two or three of us busy. And even for all of my advertising and begging, no one has found my clone, or stepped forward to offer their services as my administrative assistant (volunteer position, of course!).

So, that leaves me in the same place as many other military spouses...preparing for being a married single parent, and not knowing how I'm going to be able to do it. I know that I have wonderful friends, and a GREAT church family, and I KNOW that I can call on them for emergencies, and they'll rally. The emergencies are not what concern me so much. It's the dailiness that gets to me. The trying to figure out how to juggle everything, without dropping any of the important stuff. (which is already happening - who am I kidding...I forget stuff ALL the time...even if it IS written in my day planner!).

So, now I am off...I have work to get done before heading to his awards ceremony. And laundry. And dishes. You know...all of those things that have to get done anyway....

There is so much to say...

My brain is overloaded. There is too much going on.

1. We're moving...just across town, but it involves boxes and moving trucks and chaos. Blech.

2. I'm going back to school. Remember my New Year's Resolutions? Getting started is HARD. Jus' sayin'....

3. Frances still has no answers. Which means more doctors' appointments. And Physical Therapy. And testing.

4. Jason has training. In Dallas. For a week. (I know, I know...it's not a deployment...a week is NOTHING...blah, blah, blah. He's been home now for 9.75 of his 10 years in. I'm not used to him being gone...please bear with me.)

5. About that...no, he's not going to the sandbox. Still waiting to hear where...but not over there. This time.

6. Family reunion. Not here. Right in the middle of it all. Sigh.

About #1...we're moving into a house that we hope, eventually, to buy. Financing couldn't be easy, could it? Seriously, with the housing market, economy, etc., in the shape they are in, you'd think it would be easier to get financing than to, say, find a needle in a haystack. But no. Not for us. Sigh.

#2. School. After 20-ish years out of school, I am TERRIFIED. There is SO MUCH to do. And I am not sure I am up to this. Ugh. GRE, FAFSA, VONAPP, GI bill, portfolios, resumes....when did it all get so complicated?!? This is NOT what I remember.

#3. Frances has another Nerve Conduction study coming up. And another followup with neurologist #2. Last followup was...ummm...a bit anticlimactic. Nothing found by any tests means that nothing structural has been found, which, according to above neurologist, means that there is no explanation for her numbness. He DID give her two prescriptions...one specifically for her migraines, and the second for prevention of migraines and possible treatment of the as-yet-undiagnosed nerve problems. But supposedly there is no reason to image her head. HELLO. Center of the nervous system. From which said rebellious nerves originate. Seems simple enough to me..... Oh, and the letter from the Psychologist? Neurologist #2 thought *I* had generated it. Thank you for that vote of confidence, doc....and for the honorary doctorate!

4. Jason, training...'nuff said.

5. Awaiting orders. I HATE waiting.

6. Family reunion...should be fun...if only it weren't right in the middle of things...

Thank you for hanging in there with me. Someday...well, I'd like to have enough time (and energy) to actually blog again. We'll see what the next few years hold...

Thanksgiving, 2009

It's a beautiful day outside...finally. It was nasty all day yesterday (Black Friday), which suited my plans very well...I stayed home for most of the day, doing practically nothing.

We slept in.
We moved one of our 20-somethings in with the other one.
I cleaned the living room.
I did laundry.
I did some work (a very little bit!)
I ran the dishwasher.
We ate leftovers.
We got out all of the Christmas decor and put up the Christmas tree.
We watched the Alabama/Auburn game (NOT my choice!).

It was an awesome day.

But it was NOT what we had planned.

We were supposed to be in SC, spending the day with my parents, who I haven't seen since last Christmas. We were supposed to have had the money to accomplish this a MONTH ago(thankyouverymuchPSD). I am trying really hard not to be bitter about this. Today was supposed to be spent with Jason's parents, helping with their Christmas decor, and enjoying a relaxing day at the lake house.

So, this is Thanksgiving. I have to give thanks. I am thankful for a relaxing couple of days at home. I am thankful for an understanding family. I am thankful for all that I've gotten done in the last couple of days. I am thankful for the wonderful meal we were able to have with our 20-somethings, and the parents of one of them. I am thankful that my kids have friends all around us to spend their empty hours with.

I am choosing to be thankful...because otherwise I'll make myself miserable.

What are you thankful for today?

Remembering...

From a friend and one-time fellow student, a moving post....

Go read it! Afghanistan 2002

Thank you, Omar, for the powerful reminder and for your service to our country!

Army Strong video

This video made me cry...wish they had one of these for Navy families!!

What kind of friends?

I have always had a difficult time making good friends.

As a child, we lived in a very exclusive community where our family was the newcomers. Even after 12 years, I never felt accepted. I am sure my mom never felt very accepted as well.

I left and went to college, and made a lot of friends. I had roommates and hallmates and classmates, and dormmates. I had choir friends and lunch and dinner friends. I still felt like an outsider.

We were married soon after college, and I had a whole new circle of friends...church friends, work friends, neighbors. I still felt like an outsider.

When we had been married for 7 years, my husband went active duty in the Navy and we started a whole new way of life. Our first move was to a Navy community in south Texas, where I first experienced the concept of the military family. I met amazing people from all over with a huge variety of experiences and backgrounds. I learned how to make friends quickly, because we don't have the luxury of settling in somewhere "forever" and we never know when our new friends will be transferred.

When we moved 33 hours away to Montana, I learned how hard it was to try to be a military wife in a non-military community...where people don't make fast friends quickly, and where you have to prove your staying ability before you will be accepted. After 4 1/2 years, I still didn't have any close friends. Oh, I had friends....church friends, neighbors, co-workers, customers....they were (and still are!) friendly enough, but I never found anyone I really connected with.

Now that we have been in Virginia for just over a year, I am actually finding good friends...people I can connect with...accepting and loving me where I am. I am feeling like I finally belong somewhere.

All of this has made me think a lot about how much effort we put into our friendships. I know we can't all be the "BEST FRIENDS" with everyone in our realm of influence. I just wonder how many of us go through our lives never really connecting with a good friend, one that will be with us through whatever direction our lives take.

In support of the veterans

I have a difficult time expressing what this country means to me, and especially what it means to have the military that we have here in this country.

I am a proud Navy wife, daughter-in-law to a Marine, and daughter and granddaughter of proud Soldiers. I am VERY proud to live in the United States.

I am very proud to be part of something MUCH bigger than myself, something that helps me realize, yet again, that it is NOT all about me.

I deeply saddened that the education our children are receiving in this great country is so bent that they are learning more about hating their own country than they are learning about her beautiful, heroic history.

I am very saddened to watch videos like the above, and see the aweful signs of hatred held up by the protesters on the other side of the street.

I am proud of the veterans shown in the above video, so proudly displaying their service and flying Old Glory...showing the whole world that at least THEY are not ashamed of the country they call home.

I am even more saddened to see that those holding those signs are young...children, really, showing such contempt and lack of respect for their elders on the other side of the street.

I am sickened by how poorly our veterans are treated all around our country. By the lack of medical care afforded to them. By the venom spewed at them, in the name of the freedoms they gave so much to protect.