An Open Letter to my children

I am sorry that I cannot be the mother you deserve.  

You had no choice the family into which you were born, and the cards were already stacked against our relationship long before you were even a twinkle.  

Though each and every one of you was wanted, and loved, and cared-for, there is so much more I wish I had been able to give you over the intervening years.  

I wish I had the knowledge of HOW to have a good, close relationship with you.  

I wish I could give you the gift of unconditional love.

I wish I knew how to give you the words and knowledge to stand up to a world that doesn't appreciate strong women, and sensitive men.  

I am sorry that my brokenness has had a detrimental effect on our relationships.  

I am sorry that I taught you things I didn't want to pass on, because I didn't know how to do it better. 

I am sorry if how I responded told you things about yourself that just were not true....really, in this case, it is definitely about me, and is in no way your fault.  

I am sorry that my brokenness interfered with my ability to protect you and guide you and love you.  

I told myself many years ago that with God's help I was determined to break the bondage of generations of abuse.  I pray that you are able to go out into life without the brokenness I live with daily.  I pray that God has used the broken pieces that He is putting back together to help you be the men and women He wants you to be.  I pray that you love HIM with all of your hearts, because no matter how much I was unable to do, He is the Perfect Parent...He knows much better than I do what each of you needs, and can provide that much better that I can.  

Please forgive me for not being the mother that you so deserve.  

Why I don't crowd-source my parenting decisions

Crowd-Sourcing: obtain (information or input into a particular task or project) by enlisting the services of a number of people, either paid or unpaid, typically via the Internet. (Source: Google)

Recent months have seen a lot of people crowd-sourcing a lot of things.  What to name the baby?  Encouragement to stop smoking.  Funds for people in need.  Prayers for friends who are suffering from one thing or another.  What to send the teacher at the end of the school year?  Where to find good clothes for the kids?  What to feed the kids?  How to get the kids to actually eat what we fix?

I LOVE my friends "in my computer". Really. I have a hard time finding local friends because we move so much, and some of my virtual friends I have known longer than I have been married (which is not-quite-forever, but pretty close!).

I have a LOT of friends I have accumulated over almost 23 years of married life, 15+ years of military life and living in 5 different states, in 20+ houses, attending 9 different churches.

All of those friends have different backgrounds, different life-experiences, and different expectations. 

Most of my friends are quite helpful, and will offer a lot of helpful advice, when asked.  Some will offer it even when they are not asked!!  

I even have a special group of friends that I got to ESPECIALLY for parenting advice.  

It would be (and IS!) really easy to jump on to social media and solicit input from the billions of people available online.  

However, there are some pretty good reasons I do NOT often crowd-source my 1200+ Facebook friends on most of my parenting decisions.

1. Different expectations, backgrounds, and experiences.  

Remember all of the different places I have lived?  All of those lovely people who are my friends? They each have different expectations of their children.  Their backgrounds are different than mine, and influence their decision-making processes in different ways than my background affects me and my children.  

2. Details.

I don't want to get online and give all of the details of everything that goes into WHY my children act the way they act.  There are things my children have experienced that my crowd-source has NO BUSINESS knowing.   And yet, those very experiences play a HUGE role in why I parent my children the way I do.  Additionally, there is no way someone who has lived in the same town for all of their life can understand the intricacies of a life lived in multiple locations, changing schools many times, and having friends spread out all over the world.  I can't expect them to help me make good decisions when there is no way they can know and understand all of the details.  

3. I am the parent.  

The idea that it takes a village to raise a child is a nice one.  It really helps to have input from others who love my children and want the best for them.  But, frankly, most of my friends do not know my children.  They have not set foot in my house (but please, we WELCOME visitors!!), and have not experienced life in our larger-than-average, dorky-crazy household.  They are NOT responsible to get my children out the door each morning to school, or to fix meals for them in the evenings, or to provide a roof over their heads and transportation to their 9-bjillion activities.   

JASON and I are responsible for that, and for all of the other things that come with having children and being adults.  Ultimately, no matter the input I get from other people, the decisions are MY responsibility.  Asking for too much input from others who don't have details, and don't understand our circumstances is just crazy-making.  

So, I do occasionally ask for input from my friends, usually from the small group that has known me for almost 20 years.  And, even when I do ask, I don't always implement everything...not because I don't trust my friends, but because I know my kids, and how our family works...and I know that not everything everyone else tells me is going to work in our household.   

Parenting at the intersection of faith and military life: Friendships

At 5:30 this morning, I found myself sitting in my truck, waiting outside of the Inn here on base, playing on my phone (free wifi!!), facilitating yet another goodbye for my children.  This time, it was a friend of my 13-year-old, leaving to move to another Air Force base, in a state several hundred miles away.  Last time, it was us moving.  Next time, it may be us, and it may be another friend...I don't know, but I DO know that it WILL happen again.  Such is military life.  

As I waited, I thought of the strength of my children and their friends.
How quickly they make friends in new places.
How deep those friendships grow.
How strong they are in their "goodbyes" and "see ya laters".
Their hope, and their strength, and their deep love for their friends.

My children are strong, and amaze me every day with their resilience and adaptability.

For this, I am grateful.

My first baby is a SENIOR!

Last night was Senior Night for Frances' Marching Band.  I got to go, and was able to (finally!) get pictures of her in her uniform.  

This is the child who HATES to have her picture taken.

Mom pinning on her corsage.    

All 16 seniors in the band. 

The seniors (Frances is on the very left with crutches!) with their Director, Mr. Tim Rossettini. 

I am so very proud of Frances!  With each student, they read off where they wanted to go to school, and what they planned to do afterwards...of the 16 Seniors, she was the only one planning to go to a Christian school, and she specifically said she wanted to go the mission field.  

Loving being a mom....

Teens are scary creatures....

I should know. I have two of them, currently. They do things that scare lots of years off of the lives of their mothers. Things that seem like normal marking the years, growing up activities...getting their drivers' licenses, gaining more freedom, spending more time with friends, dating....

Oh, that last one has me frightened. You see, we've almost reached that point where we told our oldest that she will be allowed to date. This has really made me think...and quake in fear.

Who was it that decided it would be a good idea for hormonal, curious TEENS to spend time together with a teen of the opposite sex?!? I think I want to STRANGLE whoever it was who came up with this notion. I KNOW how boys think. Even GOOD, solid, G0d-fearing boys. And one of them wants to DATE my little girl. This scares me...A LOT. And NOT just one young man...oh, no. She has been asked out by *2* young men THIS WEEK. HELP!!!

So, any words of wisdom for me?!? Because I'm starting to think that *I* may not survive this whole children dating thing....

Adventures in childrearing

Have you ever met anyone who (it seemed to you) had perfect children? Or maybe their parenting choices were THE BEST, and everything you did with your children was inferior?

As mothers, we all experience "Mommy guilt" from time to time...whether or not it is legitimate. One of the earliest memories from the parenting journey is one of "my baby isn't measuring up" or "my baby isn't sleeping/smiling/rolling over/walking yet" and always the thought that comes after is "I must be doing something wrong."

Somewhere in our heads we all know that the above thought process is wrong. We KNOW that every family works differently. We KNOW that every child is different. WE KNOW THIS, but for some reason it doesn't "stick". We end up calling the doctor, our girlfriends or our mothers, hoping for some reassurance that the way we are handling things, or the way our child is responding is "normal" or at the very least, "okay."

After almost 15 years of the parenting journey, I still have to remind myself that my children are individuals, and even within our family there is a lot of diversity of personalities. I know that my oldest child is probably the easiest child any first-time mother could have asked for. I know that my 5th child is the one most like me, and as such drives me crazy every day. I know that my 4th child is the one most like his father, and because of that, he drives me crazy every day! I know lots of different things about each of my children. I know many of their likes and dislikes, and I know (for the most part) how each will respond in a given situation. In a word, I am an expert on my children. For now, I know them better than anyone else knows them. I know more details of their lives, and more of their personality.

Even so, I have my moments of second-guessing how my husband and I are raising them. I come in contact with someone else who is even slightly critical of how my child is responding at any given time, and my mind goes back down the "Mommy Guilt" path. In that moment, I forget....I forget that this other person is NOT the expert on my child. I forget the particularly hard day that child may have had already. I forget the progress we've made with that child in the last week/month/year. All I can see in that moment is the glaring imperfection in my child.

The thing is that I get really critical of my child in that moment. I forget that God gave that child to ME, knowing that *I* would become the expert on that child. I am still learning to trust God, that He gave my children the parents HE wanted them to have. The converse is also true. I am NOT an expert on anyone else's child. I can NOT judge their parenting skills by one exposure to that child. I must, in the same way, trust that God gave that particular child to that particular parent, and made them the experts on their children.

Maybe, if I keep reminding myself of those facts, one day I'll be able to extend grace to *THOSE* parents in the same way I hope they extend it to me.

It was SUPPOSED to be a productive day...

...and then I got up. Honestly, I am looking around my house right now, and can't for the life of me figure out what I've done over the last few days. My house is a WRECK.

I KNOW I have washed dishes everyday, but they're all piled up on the counter again.

I know we've done multiple loads of laundry, and put away mountains of folded laundry, but the hampers are all overflowing and the sofa is covered in clean laundry again.

We've picked up and cleaned up, and put away, and washed, and dried, and folded, and swept, and taken out garbage, and done homework, and made it to baseball practices, and gone to the grocery store, and gotten everyone on their respective busses on time, and worked, and cooked meals, and eaten meals, and gone to various meetings....

....but somehow, if someone walked into my house right now, you'd never know that I cared about how it looks. No one could tell that we picked up several trees' worth of paper off the dining room floor, or that the whole alphabet has been put back onto the refrigerator 15 different times. Or that the pantry and refrigerator have been systematically emptied by the voracious beasts in my house.

Is it any wonder that mothers feel unappreciated? That we don't ever have the satisfaction of a job well done...especially since the job never is done, or once done, it is UNdone again in about 10 seconds flat....

So, for the record, I want you moms out there to know...I appreciate what you do. I appreciate all the long hard hours you put in. The lack of proper acknowledgement.

So, go, reward yourself. Go find those chocolates you hid away, make yourself a cup of hot tea or coffee, sit back, put your feet up, and remeber that you've earned your 10 minutes of rest and relaxation. But hurry, before the hooligans get off the bus, and you have to start all over again!!