Why I don't crowd-source my parenting decisions

Crowd-Sourcing: obtain (information or input into a particular task or project) by enlisting the services of a number of people, either paid or unpaid, typically via the Internet. (Source: Google)

Recent months have seen a lot of people crowd-sourcing a lot of things.  What to name the baby?  Encouragement to stop smoking.  Funds for people in need.  Prayers for friends who are suffering from one thing or another.  What to send the teacher at the end of the school year?  Where to find good clothes for the kids?  What to feed the kids?  How to get the kids to actually eat what we fix?

I LOVE my friends "in my computer". Really. I have a hard time finding local friends because we move so much, and some of my virtual friends I have known longer than I have been married (which is not-quite-forever, but pretty close!).

I have a LOT of friends I have accumulated over almost 23 years of married life, 15+ years of military life and living in 5 different states, in 20+ houses, attending 9 different churches.

All of those friends have different backgrounds, different life-experiences, and different expectations. 

Most of my friends are quite helpful, and will offer a lot of helpful advice, when asked.  Some will offer it even when they are not asked!!  

I even have a special group of friends that I got to ESPECIALLY for parenting advice.  

It would be (and IS!) really easy to jump on to social media and solicit input from the billions of people available online.  

However, there are some pretty good reasons I do NOT often crowd-source my 1200+ Facebook friends on most of my parenting decisions.

1. Different expectations, backgrounds, and experiences.  

Remember all of the different places I have lived?  All of those lovely people who are my friends? They each have different expectations of their children.  Their backgrounds are different than mine, and influence their decision-making processes in different ways than my background affects me and my children.  

2. Details.

I don't want to get online and give all of the details of everything that goes into WHY my children act the way they act.  There are things my children have experienced that my crowd-source has NO BUSINESS knowing.   And yet, those very experiences play a HUGE role in why I parent my children the way I do.  Additionally, there is no way someone who has lived in the same town for all of their life can understand the intricacies of a life lived in multiple locations, changing schools many times, and having friends spread out all over the world.  I can't expect them to help me make good decisions when there is no way they can know and understand all of the details.  

3. I am the parent.  

The idea that it takes a village to raise a child is a nice one.  It really helps to have input from others who love my children and want the best for them.  But, frankly, most of my friends do not know my children.  They have not set foot in my house (but please, we WELCOME visitors!!), and have not experienced life in our larger-than-average, dorky-crazy household.  They are NOT responsible to get my children out the door each morning to school, or to fix meals for them in the evenings, or to provide a roof over their heads and transportation to their 9-bjillion activities.   

JASON and I are responsible for that, and for all of the other things that come with having children and being adults.  Ultimately, no matter the input I get from other people, the decisions are MY responsibility.  Asking for too much input from others who don't have details, and don't understand our circumstances is just crazy-making.  

So, I do occasionally ask for input from my friends, usually from the small group that has known me for almost 20 years.  And, even when I do ask, I don't always implement everything...not because I don't trust my friends, but because I know my kids, and how our family works...and I know that not everything everyone else tells me is going to work in our household.   

Well, THAT was helpful (or NOT).

I have lived in Christian circles ALL of my life.

One of my first outings as a newborn was to go to church.

I went to church, and school, and every single extra-curricular activity with the same people.

For a lot of years every single relationship I had was with someone who claimed to be a Christian.

Most of the advice I received over the years has come from Christian sources.  Word-of-mouth, preachers, Sunday School teachers and school teachers, parents, youth leaders, writers.  All Christians.  Most very STRONG believers.

I have learned a LOT over the years about Christians and advice.

I have learned that Christians LOVE to give advice.  We KNOW we have a corner on the market of TRUTH, and we have to share it...because that is what the Gospel is all about.  We forget that some of the stuff we have heard as truth is just someone's opinion, or that the truth we speak may do more harm than good.

I have learned that we are all good at repeating things we have heard from others.  And that we are not necessarily good at verifying whether what we repeat is good or helpful.   Because of my next point, things that are not true will still be part of how I view myself, even after they have been proven untrue.




I have learned that, whether or not what I have been told is good or helpful, I ALWAYS internalize a message about ME when I hear it.  I internalize "do more", "try harder", "trust more".  I hear that I am not enough.  Not good enough, not strong enough, not trusting enough, that I don't have enough faith.



I have learned that living in a fallen world means that the advice we give, the truths we know, and the care that we try to express to others can all be misinterpreted, misapplied, twisted to mean something that was not meant.

I have learned that even very good people and strong believers can give bad advice.







I am still in the middle of the process of learning how to deal with advice without basing my view of myself on the advice given by other people.  I know that not everyone knows this.  I also know that there are some people's advice that needs to be thrown out with the garbage.  I am learning who to trust, and who to politely listen to and NOT to take their advice to heart.  It is a process, like the rest of my healing journey.  I hope that people are willing to show me the grace that they also hope to receive.