Finding my Footing

Every move feels like a climb.
A long, slow, exhausting climb.
Dragging my whole family, and all of our worldly goods behind us.

The move itself usually goes pretty smoothly...after all, we've done this a few times, and know what to expect (the unexpected!!), so we're prepared, for the most part, when things happen.

The sequence of events is something like this:
We get orders, usually about six months before the expected move, and start preparations.

I start dumping things...things that have accumulated because of where we are (the snow shovels from Montana would NOT be needed in Virginia Beach!), things that have accumulated because of how long we have been in one place (the stuff expands to fill the space available...NO we do NOT need 11 bicycles!!), and all the papers.  So. Many. Papers.

We plan the date for the movers to come evaluate the household goods.

We plan the date for the movers to come pack the household goods.

We pack beloved things that we fear may be broken (or stolen!) to carry in our personal vehicles.

We plan the clothes we'll need for the transition period, until our household goods are delivered.

With the last move, there was the extra step of preparing the house to sell, and selling it.

We get the vehicles ready for the long drive.

We gather medical records and school records and veterinary records.

The movers come and pack the household goods.

We pack all of the rest of it into our personal vehicles, and stuff the children and the dog in there, too.

Somewhere in the midst of this, Jason is checking out of his command, there are farewell parties, and dinners, and last-minute get-togethers.

And suddenly, it is all over, and we are driving out of the town/city we have grown to love, and are off to a new adventure in a new place.

For a little while, the new is good...there is excitement about new schools, and new jobs, and figuring out a new house, and a new community, and finding a new church.

Then the reality of the newness really sinks in, and every one of us starts to miss the friends left behind, and the feeling of familiarity that helped us feel comfortable in the area, and suddenly the new is hard.

And the hard doesn't go away, and there is no way to make it easier.  Making new friends, and finding one's way around a new community, and learning cultural expectations in a new place are always a process, and they just have to be lived through.  There is no skipping over them.  So, everyone just keeps going, and keeps doing, and tries to make the best of the hard, dark middle, recognizing that there WILL be light...hopefully sooner, rather than later.

And then one day, after months of climbing, and slipping, and sometimes falling, suddenly we find ourselves getting to an easier part of the climb.  We can see light.  We have friends again.  We have found our way around town (without the GPS!).  We know how to get to the grocery store, and the mall, and the doctor, and the dentist...and we realize that the climb has gotten easier, and we can actually see something besides the trail in front of us.

And this is when we find our footing again.  For myself, for a lot of this past year, I have felt like the whole climb has been up a muddy, slippery slope, and I just couldn't get a grip, or find any toe-holds.  This part of the climb has been spent staving off depression, and loneliness, and anxiety.  Feeling unsure of my footing, or of my future, left me fearful and served to emphasize other difficulties we were experiencing at the same time.

Now, I can feel the fog lifting, and I can see the horizon.  I look down, and I find solid places to put my feet, and I know that the climb has been worth it, and we are coming out the other side...stronger, steadier, and hopefully growing through this long, hard climb.

Holiday Depression

A week or so ago I posted an article about the holidays and how this season affects people.  Called "PTSD Spirituality: Holidays and the 18% PTSD Danger Zone", it discussed the downside of the holiday season for a large number of people.  The 18% figure refers to the percentage of the year that is counted within the holiday season.  Please take the time to read the article, and understand that this is not something people can just decide to get over, but is rather complex.  

I've been thinking a lot more about this phenomenon.  I have been diagnosed with Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), so seeing how the article intersected with my life has been interesting to me.  (A good explanation of C-PTSD can be found HERE)

As with PTSD, persons with C-PTSD often are seen for depression and anxiety, and it may take a while before a diagnosis of either form of PTSD is made.  Meanwhile, the recurrent nature of depression and anxiety that happen in a person with PTSD is frustrating for both the clinician and for the client.  

It is important to note that the holidays are difficult for anyone currently dealing with depression. Weather can play a big factor in the significance of the depression, given the mediating effect exercise and sunshine have for those who deal with depression.  Additionally, if a person has experienced trauma around the holidays, the chances of having another wave of depression hit are very high.  

Another difficulty with the holiday season is the idea that these are usually "family holidays", and the expectation is that we spend time with family.  This can be difficult for someone with PTSD that has it's source within their family, which in turn creates grief over the loss of family, a deep longing (still!) to be with family, and potentially anger that the family member/members themselves caused this separation from the family, thus creating more isolation for someone who is already depressed.  

Some of the other extenuating circumstances outlined in the above article affect persons with PTSD/C-PTSD in unexpected ways.  The onset of winter and the time change can negatively impact the amount and quality of sleep, which can have a spiraling effect on mental health, especially on depression and anxiety.  In addition, expected gaiety at holiday parties, higher-than-normal levels of drinking, and social interactions can all have negative impact on the person dealing with the depression/anxiety/PTSD/C-PTSD cocktail.  

From Johns Hopkins Medicine

If you are dealing with any of these things, remember to take time for self-care during the holidays.  Pay particular attention to the amount of sleep you are getting.  Excuse yourself from parties and get-togethers, if you have had enough.  If you drink, make sure you do not drink in excess...alcohol is a depressant, so it will exacerbate already present depression.  If you are taking any antidepressants or anti anxiety medications, you should NOT mix alcohol with them.  Pay attention to what you are eating, how much, and when...high fat and high sugar foods (oh-so-popular at this time of year!) can have a negative impact on depression and anxiety.  Get some exercise...15 minutes per day has a very positive effect on alleviating depression.  

From the outside, looking in

As long as I can remember, I have always been an outsider.  Not just felt like it.  Actually BEEN that one on the outside, looking in, wishing to be part of whatever is going on. 

I grew up in a church community (if you've read much of my story you'll know) where our whole family were outsiders.  Of the 400+ people in the congregation, my parents and *1* other person had college degrees.  I  grew up knowing that we were destined to not stay there, but to go on to college, and do other things with our lives besides farming and service jobs. 

I grew up on one of the first recognized organic endeavors in the Southeast.  NO ONE else considered not dumping Sevin-dust all over the vegetables growing in the garden.  NO ONE else considered grass-raised beef and chickens to be a good thing.  NO ONE considered hand milking a cow, and drinking non-pasturized, whole milk.  I am grateful (EVER SO) that I grew up with that heritage...but it also made us even more different...and subject to even more cruelty from children...and their parents who should have known better.

We were DIFFERENT.  Very. VERY. PAINFULLY. Different. 

Then I grew up.  Left for college.  I had gone to a church-based school from 1st grade through 12th grade.  My graduating class was 7 - of which 4 were graduating a year early...so they could get married, and got on with "real life".  Sigh.  Of our graduating class, 4 of us have college degrees.  One has his doctorate.  One is working on a Master's degree. 

I digress. 

College came, and I was DIFFERENT.  My brother and I were freshmen together.  People thought we were twins (No.).  People didn't understand the clothes I wore (Dresses and head covering).  I was dealing with the opposite of most of the kids there...this WAS a Bible college, after all, and there were dress standards, and rules for everything, including a curfew.  Many of my classmates were dealing with extreme cases of culture shock.  I was too, but opposite of theirs.  Compared to what I grew up with, this was lenient.  This was FUN!  But I still felt like I was standing on the outside, looking in. 

I'm married now...almost 19 years!  Some days I still feel like an outsider...an impostor. 

I'm an adult. 

We own 2 cars.

We own a house.

We have 6 children. 

My husband is in the Navy, and I have an ID card to prove it. 

I'm a student yet again...graduate level now. This time, I don't fit because I'm not a 20-something, fresh out of college, looking for a mate, a job, and finding my way through life.  Now, I'm a 40-something, surrounded by LOTS of little lives who are dependent on me, who look to me for guidance. 

Some days, a LOT of days, I still feel like I am an outsider.  I almost wonder how long it will take before people discover that I *don't* really know what I am doing, and they take away my "mom-card", or my adult-card. 

I have never felt totally accepted by anyone. 
I have rarely felt loved. 

I don't know what it will take for me to feel accepted, to feel like an insider, to feel loved.  I KNOW my husband loves me.  I KNOW my kids love me.  Aside from that, what happens?  I think *I* am afraid to love, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to act like I know anything for fear of being proven (in front of the whole world!) wrong. 

In my head, I know the Scriptures.  I know God talks about how incredibly much He loves us to have sacrificed His Son for us(John 3:16,17).  I even saw The Passion of the Christ, and wept along as Jesus was whipped and beaten and killed for me.  I cannot imagine watching my son go through such torture for anyone, much less for people who despised Him. 

Despite all of that, I feel unloved.  I feel like I don't belong.  I feel like the permanent outsider, always destined to be made fun of, to be on the outside fringe of acceptability, to be misunderstood.  I still live with the taunts from childhood playing like endless tapes inside my head.  I live with the names I was called, and the pain of not being unconditionally accepted by those who should have loved me without limit.  My pain mirrors what must have been their pain of living with much of the same. 

Because of the pain, I struggle.  I struggle with being the mom God wants me to be, that my children need me to be.  I struggle feeling like I have no friends.  I KNOW that I do...people to care for me, and pray for me, and check on me, and come for coffee, and give me great big tremendous hugs at church on Sunday morning.  I *STILL* do not feel loved.  I wonder if I've done enough.  If I've proven myself good enough to be their friend.  If they'll drop me...take away my "friend-card." 

There's more...always more. 
I don't like struggling. 
I don't like the depression that comes because I know I'll never be good enough. 
I'm tired. 
I'm lonely.
I'm ready to be past this. 

Then I try to talk to people.  I try to get the pain off my chest.  And when I start talking, I see people's eyes glaze over...or they run the other way, screaming.  They can't deal with the pain that I bleed all over them.  At least, that's what I imagine.  I've been told too many times not to.  To STOP telling others about my pain.  The message I get is that people only want to hear positive things, so if I can't say only positive things, I need to keep it all to myself. 

Until I explode.  The problem with exploding is that the people I love have to deal with the shrapnel. 

So then I try talking to someone paid to listen to me...counselors, therapists.  And I start feeling better.  I am convinced that I don't need them any more, I can face life on my own again.  I have healthy strategies in place to deal with the old pain.  Or maybe it's not a good fit, and I need to find someone who IS a better fit, but I have no time, no energy, no motivation...and I sit and wallow in my pain.  Either way, the results are the same:  I am in pain, and alone again...proving, yet again, my feelings of being unloved and unlovable. 

....sigh....

I'm rambling.  There is too much in my head, and too much to do, and I really don't have my thoughts all put together yet.  Someday I'll try to come back and finish the thought.
Tonight, I must sleep. 

Beating Depression

I have discussed before the long battle I have had with depression. So when someone talks about ways to beat it, I listen. Thankfully, I'm not there right now...I intend to stay out of there.

Our pastor recently spoke about "How to Cheat and Win (over Depression)." You can listen to the whole message at http://www.realitychurchmedia.com/ and go to the How series.

I took some notes I wanted to share.

HOW TO: Cheat and Win (Over Depression)

Causes of depression are:
loss
rejection
insecurity
lack of fulfillment
uncertainty
meaninglessness

Elijah was depressed because
1. He was physically exhausted.
2. He was emotionally exhausted.
3. He had stinking thinking.

Steps to winning over depression:
I. Healing of relational environment
A. We are relational - we NEED relationships
-we need the right kind of friends
-we need mentoring relationships
B. Family relationships need to be fixed
Matthew 5:23-24

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."

II. We need to heal our whole person.
A. Healing the physical body - good food, enough sleep, etc.
B. Spiritual healing is necessary and most often neglected.
C. Mental/Emotional healing - destressing, etc.


5 Secrets to address the Spiritual side:
1. Know your meaning/purpose in life
Ephesians 1:11 In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will,

2. Serving - giving to others is healing
Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

3. Forgiving - unforgiveness causes depression
Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

4. Connect with God
I Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

5. Eradicating the guilt
James 1:14-15 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.


I learned several things from this lesson. I learned that I had to change the way I think...what God calls "renewing your mind" because the things that happen in my brain are tainted by hurts suffered in the past, and things other people have told me...otherwise known as stinking thinking

I have to reconnect with God regularly because that stinking thinking sneaks up on me when I am not keeping Him at the center of my life.

I have to forgive those who have hurt me and taught me wrong.

I have to be actively involved in helping others.

I have to let God heal those hurting places in me, and take away the guilt and pain.

Living in the aftermath of Depression

As I have stated before, I have been dealing with Depression for a long, long time. Twenty years, at least. Added to that is the fact that when you're depressed, you feel abandoned, alone, and every day seems to drag. So twenty years has felt like FOREVER. I have a friend who is dealing with similar things for a similar amount of time. She is also working on dealing with things from her past in an effort to get to where God wants her to be. It's a process...long, arduous....and our husbands don't understand. They just want us to be happy, and at least *my* husband doesn't understand why I can't just "knock it off" and start being happy.

I have another friend who is stuck...who doesn't believe that it is possible to get out of the hole that depression has put her in. I believe that it IS possible, but not alone. I wrote an email to a group that I am part of about this whole subject. I want to share it with you.

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Just because I have experienced this does not mean I am an expert. First, all of us are different...we all have different backgrounds and experiences. Those things make us respond differently.

Secondly, I am glad to answer questions, but please keep in mind that I am not a professional. I am a person, just like you, who has struggled for a lot of years with this ugly thing called depression. God has lovingly brought me to a place where now it is not a daily struggle, but I also realize that I *could* easily go back there...I have to WORK to stay where I am now.

***THIS IS FROM MY EXPERIENCE***

I have learned that depression is something that catches us when we are already down, either physically sick, spiritually hurting, grieving, tired, what have you...depression is a "disease" of opportunity that builds on the fact that we are already feeling badly and quite possibly already questioning things.

I learned that because I was already questioning things, it was much easier for me to get my thinking turned around so that I was believing lies about myself and others. It was much easier for me to believe that people were out to "get" me, and to believe that they just didn't care...when in reality, they DID care...they just didn't know how to talk to me about being depressed and they wanted to help but didn't know how. *I* could not see it...because *I* was all tied up in how badly I was feeling...and that skewed every other thing I looked at.

I learned that just because *MY* thinking is skewed does NOT mean that the things I am thinking are true. This was VERY hard for me to admit as I am, by nature, a VERY proud person and it is HARD to admit to being in the wrong.

I learned that being *wrong* is NOT the same as being *bad*. These two words are NOT synonymous.

I learned that getting out of the pit of depression was not something I could do on my own. I HAD to have help...which meant that I had to get past those thoughts that everyone was out to "get" me, and give them the benefit of the doubt. I had to LET them help me. I also had to actually start believing that God really loved me, and wanted the best for me...that He would not set me up for failure.

I also learned that I was expecting too much of my husband. My husband is a brilliant, loving man who really wanted to help me, but he just didn't know how...he was not equipt for that. I had to get help FOR ME (and realize that it was not selfish to do so), so that I could THEN work on the issues in our marriage.

I learned that climbing out of that pit was not instantaneous...it took a whole year of counseling, at least once a week (and sometimes twice a week), plus exercise, getting more sleep, taking vitamins, eating better....before I got to where I am now. I had to remember that it took me a LONG time to dig myself into that pit and that I shouldn't expect to get out overnight.

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One of several things I have learned...depression almost always makeyou *feel* more alone than you really are, then, because you feelalone you react by isolating yourself even more, thereby reducing your chances of being less alone. It is a vicious cycle. Encourage your depressed friend to at the VERY least find someone she could go out to coffee withonce a week, even if it is just for 15 to 20 minutes, it will be someone to connect with.

Exercise is ESSENTIAL to beating depression. The more depressed you become, the less you feel like doing, when exercise is exactly what you need to help deal with/beat the depression.

Good nutrition. Again, these sound SO basic, but when you'redepressed, all you want to do is curl up in a ball somewhere, do nothing, and eat comfort foods...in my case, LOTS of comfort foods.If she can start off with just taking a multivitamin, and drinking plenty of water, she'll be getting on the right track.

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I am not depressed, at this moment. I am not on any antidepressants. But, I still have to be on my guard. Every day, the lies keep trying to come back. Every day, I have to work at renewing my mind, putting facts in my mind that counteract the lies that my depression tells me.

Steps in the Journey

I have been a Christian for just over 27 years. I was 11 when I said the prayer (yeah, you do the math! ). In my naive thoughts, my life was supposed to be easy. No struggles. No battling with sin. After all, I was a Christian. That meant that the path was all laid out for me, and would be easy to find, and easier to follow. Boy, was I mistaken. As a teen, I struggled, as do most teens, with rebellion in some form or another. I also struggled with depression. I was in a very legalistic church, and struggled with obeying the many rules, and with the path my life would take. We didn't belong there...we were WAY different. My parents expected us to go to college...very few of my friends even graduated from high school. College was good, but it was also hard. I was going to Bible College, and there were so many different people there...with different backgrounds, and different beliefs. I learned a lot. I grew a lot. I learned that there IS good Christian life without the abundance of legalism. I met my husband! When we were dating, my struggles changed. My friends and my family didn't like my boyfriend. They didn't like him as my fiance, either. My parents liked him a LOT less as my husband, and it got worse as we had children, and our finances got tighter. I struggled with depression, and with burn-out from my time in Bible College, the stress of working full-time, and trying to make ends meet. We spent 4 long years not speaking to my parents. We dealt with job changes, moves, car accidents, a miscarriage, a run-in with DSS, and a church that just didn't quiet "get" us. Did I mention the depression? It was part of everything...just there in the background....kind of "mood music." Then my husband had an affair. The kids and I moved in with my brother. My husband repented. I was overjoyed, and very apprehensive. This time, it was his family that wouldn't talk to us. My husband moved home. We decided that this would be a good time for him to try to go active duty in the Navy. He had been a reservist for a year, and we needed him to have a good, full-time job...one that would support us. Oh, and the depression was getting worse. We moved to Texas after he finished A-school in Mississippi. I learned a lot about Navy life. I homeschooled 2 of our children, and had another beautiful little girl 1 week before his ship deployed. I was the Ombudsman, so I was BUSY...too busy to think about ME. Life in a homeschooling house, with 5 children, one of whom is less than 6 months old, is CRAZY. Add in dealing with the drama that is ship-life...that summer was FULL. Finances were always a problem...as were the cars. I was still dealing with the depression, and I hadn't yet learned how to trust my husband again. When that beautiful little girl was 18 months old, and I was 5 months pregnant with the next, we moved to Montana. That was a LONG drive! Two adults (one pregnant), 5 children, 2 cars, driving from south Texas to Montana...a 33 hour drive, according to Mapquest. We stopped off with some friends in the northern part of TX....only 14 hours into our trip. We stopped in Cheyenne, WY, for a night. We were supposed to make it all the way to our destination in MT the next day. One of the cars died in a tiny little town in Wyoming. We spent the night there, and bought a van...a 1988 conversion van...a V-8, running on 6....burning gas like there was no tomorrow. Somehow we limped into town, having spent our last $2.64 on gas. We had no money for the motel, dinner, gas. We knew no one. Fortunately, one of the guys from the reserve center where hubby was going rescued us. Life in Montana was hard. Hubby was at a tiny command...with 8 active duty, and about 100 reservists. Very little in the way of support for the family of the active duty. We found a great church, and got involved quickly. I was still homeschooling, and jumped right into the homeschool community. The kids were involved in AWANA. I was involved in the women's ministry. Hubby ran sound at church, and was involved in the men's ministry. We went to couples' retreats. I was depressed...more than ever. I tried counseling. I still couldn't figure out how to trust hubby. I felt like there was something terribly wrong with our relationship, and neither one of us could figure out what it was. Hubby decided it was him, and told me that he was moving out. He filed for divorce. My depression hit an all-time low. Our pastor referred me to a Biblical counselor. That counselor was a God-send...literally. God used him to turn around our marriage. I have learned to trust again. My walk with God is back on track. We were in counseling for just over a year. During that time, we learned to enjoy each other again...dates, having fun together. We also got new orders....we were moving back to the East Coast! Yippee! And fear....what would we do without our counselor? We graduated... ...and moved to Virginia. Hubby is still in Montana for another week, or so....but things are still on track. God has been SO good! He restored our marriage. He has provided for us in ways we never expected! Oh, and He took away the depression! For the first time in 20ish years, I am NOT depressed! I am amazed at all of the things that God has brought me though in the 27 years I've walked with Him. Each new turn is another adventure...definitely never a boring minute!