Stepping up to say ENOUGH

I'm sure most of the US, and for sure a small community in Texas are still reeling from the after-shocks of the shooting that happened almost a week ago.  As I struggle to make sense of the deaths of half of that small country church, I have been reading media accounts, testimonies of family members, of the two community heroes who stopped the gunman, and the background of the man who did this.

This is my attempt to assimilate everything I know so far....

The gunman was dishonorably discharged from the Air Force after being convicted and serving time for domestic abuse of his wife and infant stepson.  The Air Force admits that they neglected to pass along this information to the agencies who should have been alerted, making it possible for him to purchase the guns he used.   (sources: here, here, here)

The details of what he did, and why he did it, and who was killed, and who was injured, and how he was stopped are available all over the internet with only the most cursory search.  Those things are not really what is most concerning to me.

In the wake of this horrific crime, people again are asking "WHY?!?"  Why are white men, in one of the wealthiest countries in the world, doing terrible things to powerless people?

These questions always make me start looking for patterns, which is what I am trained to do.  Patterns of behavior help us figure out why things like this happen, and what can be done to prevent further bloodshed.

Too often, people think there is no tie between the "lone wolf" gunmen across our nation.  "They acted alone" is the report on the news.  While that may be true, there is a disturbing link between most of them that is often overlooked, underreported, and most often completely ignored.  That link is a history of domestic violence.

This gunman abused his wife and stepson.
In Texas, in the last 7 years, there are nine more incidents (at least) where groups of 4 or 5 family members and friends were killed by someone with a history of domestic violence (source).
It doesn't just happen in Texas. 

While perpetrators of domestic violence account for only about 10 percent of all gun violence, they accounted for54 percent of mass shootings between 2009 and 2016, according to the advocacy group Everytown for Gun Safety, so there is a disproportionate link, Webster tells Kodjak. (source). 

 In working with victims of domestic violence, one shocking statistic shows that the most dangerous time for a woman escaping a violent and controlling man is AFTER she has already left the relationship.  THAT is when she is most likely to be killed.  (More statistics at this link).

AND YET...
The typical woman tries to leave a violent relationship SEVEN times before she is successful.
Why don't they leave sooner?
 - - They have been alienated from their friends and family by their abuser.
 - - They are afraid people won't believe them this time.
 - - Fear of retaliation by the abuser.
 - - For Christians, they are often told to stay in the relationship.
 - - Fear of losing their children.
 - - Fear of homelessness.

This is a complicated issue.
Women and children need to be protected.
Violent men need to be redirected, to be stopped from continuing the abuse.
Churches need to know how to respond.


HOW TO RESPOND
This morning, our pastor talked about security for our very large church, and how there is a concerted effort to keep those attending services as safe as possible.  This is a NEEDED response.  But it is NOT enough.

Our church also is affiliated with a ministry to women, providing a safe and confidential resource for women who are in abusive relationships.  This is a NEEDED response.  But it is NOT typical for churches across the country.

This week I posed a question on Facebook, asking my MANY pastor-friends what their policies are for dealing with domestic violence.  I got ONE response...from a female pastor...and NONE from male pastors, though they outnumber female pastors by a large majority.  I want to give the benefit of the doubt, and recognize that they may have been preparing for the weekend's services...but I'd still like to hear from them, at least an acknowledgement that this needs to be on their radar.  Because, as we saw last week, domestic violence unchecked affects us all, even in the church...maybe ESPECIALLY in the church.

I feel like a foreigner.

I get frustrated because I feel like there are huge chunks of understood culture that I am missing, which others automatically understand, and I don't. 

I am starting to realize that I don't look foreign enough for others to recognize my foreignness. 

Some contributing factors:

--a controlling, abusive, sheltering home

--a controlling, abusive, sheltering church

Even though I have been out of the home and church environments for more than 20 years, the effects linger. 

I fear I have assimilated so much that no one recognizes that I am a foreigner. 

Life on the Move, and Finding a Church

As a military family, we have moved a LOT.

"Home" is in South Carolina.
That's where our families are.
That is where we were married and lived for the first 8 years of our marriage.
That is where 2/3 of our children were born.




But then, the Navy...yes, Jason IS a reservist.  AND he is active duty.  Welcome to my confusing life.

And "A" school in Meridian, MS (The kids and I were still in SC).






And two homes in Portland, TX...because we added another child!










And two homes in Helena, MT...because we added another child!







And two homes in Virginia Beach, VA...because we bought a house!






And ONE home in Bedford/Lincoln/Lexington, MA.






Of course, prior to Jason going active duty in the Navy, we moved a LOT, also.
We were in a trailer in Gaston, SC for a couple of months...
...stayed with Jason's parents in SC for a month or two...
...an apartment in Columbia, SC for a couple of months...
...9 months renting a house in Due West, SC...
...6 weeks house-sitting...
...about a year in a make-shift house outside of Columbia...
...about 2 years in a duplex in Columbia...
...about 2 years in a trailer outside of Columbia...
...about 3 years in the house we built in Gilbert, SC...
...and six months at my brother's house in Edgefield, SC.

That is a total of 17 different places our family has lived in 22 years of marriage.

All of that moving has meant that we have had a LOT of neighbors (howdy, good neighbor!), and been part of a number of churches...and have many friends from all of them.

West Columbia Evangelical (now named Augusta Street Church) was home for 7 years.
Calvary Chapel of Greenwood, SC was where we attended for the time we lived in Due West, SC.
In Texas, we went to Calvary Chapel Coastlands for about a year, and then to New Community Church in Portland for the remainder of our time in TX.
In Montana, we were happy to quickly find Hannaford Bible Church, and attended there for all of the 4 1/2 years we lived there.
In Virginia Beach, we were part of Reality Church for 7 years, and then at Tabernacle Church in Norfolk, VA for a year.
Now we are part of Grace Chapel, in Lexington, MA.

Even though we have been far from our biological family, God has provided His family for us in many different places, and during some very difficult years, and we are grateful.

If there is one thing I would tell any nomadic family (be it military, missionary, or otherwise), I would STRONGLY urge you to find a good church family.  That family will be who walks with you through transitions, and who provides support and encouragement during those times when your family-of-origin cannot be with you.

Of course, finding a church family that feels like home is not always easy.  Different areas of the country have different expectations and cultures within their churches, and you may have difficulty finding a church that fits your family, or that fits your expectations of how church is "supposed to" look.

A few tips on finding a church in a new area:

1. Pray.  Ask God to guide you to where He wants you to be.

2. List.  Make a list of what you need to have in a church.  Theology?  Affiliation with a particular denomination? Programs for kids? A good choir? Men's/Women's ministry?

3. Pray some more.

4. Google.  Using your list, go find websites for churches in your area.  Look at their "What We Believe" section, the programs they offer, who they are affiliated with.

5. Pray over the churches you find that fit your criteria.

6. Visit the churches...plan to attend each church for at least two Sundays, and as many other meetings as you can get to during that time period.


7.  Pray some more...keep asking God for His guidance.

If you find a church that feels/seems right, visit it for another couple of weeks to months, making sure that it is the right place for you.  Plug into small groups, get involved in learning about the way this body of believers does life together, make connections with people.  A good church is not just about theology and programs...a good church provides a place for people to connect with God and with each other.

Deployment Gremlins: Part 1

"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

I am sure that all of us are familiar with Mr. Murphy and his predictive laws.  We would probably even add a qualifying line to the end to say, "at the worst possible time."  As military family members, we are only too familiar with the affects of the law, and we seem to have a  common name for the "enforcers" of that law, known across the branches as "deployment gremlins."

Every military spouse has their stories to tell about their experiences with the gremlins.  These gremlins are those things that tend to go wrong as soon as their spouse steps on the plane or ship, headed away for any period of time.  I am going to start with one of my stories, and I'd love to hear your similar stories.

My husband's first duty station and deployment was on board a mine-sweeper, which is a tiny ship, and the community of spouses is even smaller.  Prior to that deployment, Jason volunteered me to be the Ombudsman**for the ship, which meant that I had to go through a training, and then be available for the other family members throughout the four-month deployment.  At this point in time, I was about 8 months pregnant, due one week before the ship deployed, with my fifth child.  The CO's wife and I successfully finished the training, and had a meeting for all the wives, which was exactly one week before the scheduled deployment date.  

I ended up going into labor that evening, during the meeting, and had my beautiful little girl sometime around midnight.

Fast-forward one week.

The ship actually left on schedule, and I was one week postpartum, with five children.  I had to be on the dock with the other spouses, which ended up being a miserable three hours with my newborn, a 2-year-old, a 4-year-old, a 6-year-old, and an 8-year-old, and with nowhere to sit.

When I finally got to go home (one WEEK postpartum - still not supposed to be driving, but what is a military wife 19 hours away from family supposed to do?!?), I was not feeling good, and was bleeding profusely. I called my midwife (I had a home birth with her in attendance), and after threatening me with a ride to the hospital, she extracted a promise from me to go to bed.  Then she called one of my neighbors that she knew, and sent her over to make sure I was actually IN bed and stayed there. 

What happened over the next few weeks was an amazing picture of God's people pulling together to help me in my time of need.  I cannot tell you who organized it all, or even the names of all of the people who participated in helping us.  I DO remember 6 weeks of meals, my house being cleaned, my older 4 children being taken on outings to the Aquarium, and on play dates with other friends from church.  I was ministered to in a way that I will NEVER forget. 

So, what started out as a VERY difficult situation turned into an opportunity and a blessing.  Those gremlins are nasty little guys, but God used them in amazing ways in our lives that summer. 

And now I would LOVE to hear some of your Deployment Gremlin stories!!

***********************************
**om·buds·man (from Dictionary.com)
1.a government official who hears and investigates complaints by private citizens against other officials or government agencies.
2.a person who investigates and attempts to resolve complaints and problems, as between employees and an employer or between students and a university.
***********************************

Beating Depression

I have discussed before the long battle I have had with depression. So when someone talks about ways to beat it, I listen. Thankfully, I'm not there right now...I intend to stay out of there.

Our pastor recently spoke about "How to Cheat and Win (over Depression)." You can listen to the whole message at http://www.realitychurchmedia.com/ and go to the How series.

I took some notes I wanted to share.

HOW TO: Cheat and Win (Over Depression)

Causes of depression are:
loss
rejection
insecurity
lack of fulfillment
uncertainty
meaninglessness

Elijah was depressed because
1. He was physically exhausted.
2. He was emotionally exhausted.
3. He had stinking thinking.

Steps to winning over depression:
I. Healing of relational environment
A. We are relational - we NEED relationships
-we need the right kind of friends
-we need mentoring relationships
B. Family relationships need to be fixed
Matthew 5:23-24

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift."

II. We need to heal our whole person.
A. Healing the physical body - good food, enough sleep, etc.
B. Spiritual healing is necessary and most often neglected.
C. Mental/Emotional healing - destressing, etc.


5 Secrets to address the Spiritual side:
1. Know your meaning/purpose in life
Ephesians 1:11 In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will,

2. Serving - giving to others is healing
Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

3. Forgiving - unforgiveness causes depression
Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

4. Connect with God
I Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

5. Eradicating the guilt
James 1:14-15 but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.


I learned several things from this lesson. I learned that I had to change the way I think...what God calls "renewing your mind" because the things that happen in my brain are tainted by hurts suffered in the past, and things other people have told me...otherwise known as stinking thinking

I have to reconnect with God regularly because that stinking thinking sneaks up on me when I am not keeping Him at the center of my life.

I have to forgive those who have hurt me and taught me wrong.

I have to be actively involved in helping others.

I have to let God heal those hurting places in me, and take away the guilt and pain.

I can't believe it's MONDAY already....

My brain is working 90 miles an hour, working, and preparing for THAT class, the one that's gonna be the death of me. So, last week wasn't SO bad...I was still embarrassed by what I had, but the teachers were kind....and I'm LEARNING...and it's re-awakening the creative juices...which is ALWAYS a good thing!!

The other thing that's gotten my brain going is a project for our church (INCREDIBLE, AWESOME, WONDERFUL church!!), more specifically for the Children's Ministry, doing.....ahhhhhh.....what I WANTED to do....setting up a blog, and a facebook group....THIS is FUN!!! I'm having SO MUCH fun! And this lonely little blog that I have stumbled through learning has assisted in what I'm doing now.

The weekend was good. It was restful. I got to SLEEP IN. I got to enjoy my family. I got to clean my house. A clean house is SO NICE.

How was your weekend?

Living and Learning

I LOVE taking my children to church and watching them learn about the Lord. There is just something about living out ministry to other believers that resonates in their little heads and they seem to "get it."

That doesn't mean it's always easy. I've been hearing things about what that little cutie up there has been saying and doing at church on Sunday mornings that DO NOT make me happy with her. We are SO busy setting up before services each week that my children do not always get the attention they need, and they sometimes end up doing and saying things that, while they are not BAD, are not a very good idea....but these would be things that a 4-year-old won't recognize as being a problem.

Because of these issues, we've had to make some changes. We're still going early and helping set up. But, the 4 youngest children no longer have the run of the building during the time that the adults are preoccupied with setting up. They also do not have access to the tea, coffee and donuts.

At this point in my life, I *should* be past being embarrassed by my children....but I got embarrassed by this situation...mainly because I learned about it from someone I respect very much. The FIRST thought that went through my mind was that *her* children would never do that. Yeah, I was embarrassed.

I also realized that I have some things in *my* life that need work. Embarrassing things. Things talked about in that verse in James 3, where he compares the tongue to a fire that can't be tamed. OUCH. Yeah, I'm still learning and (hopefully) growing. So, for now I am biting my tongue...because I'm tired of embarrassing myself and my husband....

So, is there some area in your life you know God is working on?

Christianity for Skeptics

Did I ever mention that I LOVE the church we've found here? I have to say it again. I LOVE Reality Church. This is a seeker-oriented church, so if you're looking for your normal church (read: pews, hymns, and "Sunday clothes"), you will be a bit shocked to walk into our church.

First things first...NO ONE wears "Sunday clothes" to Reality...well, except maybe a couple of the little kids who just LOVE their beautiful dresses, and don't have anywhere else to wear them. The rest of us? Jeans, t-shirts...nothing dressy.

Second...ambiance...we meet in a high school cafeteria, and have much of it set up with small tables, kind of like a cafe' setting. The lights go down, and we have spotlights, and colorful lighting, and two big screens that are used for the lyrics of the music. The music...a BIT more upbeat....a little Skillet, some MercyMe, occassionally some Barlow Girl...this is NOT your average Sunday morning music.

Finally, Steve Sileo is is an awsome pastor. Again, not your average pastor. And the sermons? Not really sermons. More like talks...but SOUND. GOOD. Make you THINK. Yeah, we love Steve!

So, we're in the middle of this really GOOD series...one I wish I had been able to hear when I was my daughter's age (14)... Called Christianity for Skeptics, Steve has covered:

1. Why Should Anyone Believe in God?


2. Why Scientists are Rejecting Evolution


3. Why is there Evil if there is a God?


4. Why should I trust the Bible?

Today, he spoke on Why Jesus Is Everything You’re Looking For, and next week is Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?

If you're interested in listening, go to Reality Media and download the individual messages...today's is not yet up, and I think they didn't get the first one on there yet...

Weekend Plans

I love weekends. I love having everyone home and doing things together. It seems like we don't get to do that very often, and this weekend will be no exception.

Tonight, two kids have baseball practice and hubby has (hopefully) has his last bowling night for this league. Then, the kids get to have their Friday night movie night...tonight they're watching Enchanted. Friday night is also date night for hubby and I...hopefully we can fit that in this week!

Tomorrow hubby has drill...he'll be training some people to take over so he doesn't have to go back on Saturdays anymore!! YIPPEE!! Three kids also have baseball games, plus we have laundry, house cleaning, showers....and homework for the oldest.

Sunday is church...we meet in a school, so we go early and help set up, and then stay for both services and help with the break down afterwards. THEN hubby has softball practice, and I'll bring all the kids home. The kids all take afternoon naps on Sunday... family tradition that means that we all have a nice quiet afternoon.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I need to get to the store for birthday presents for the 12 year old birthday boy.

Okay, must get to work....hope you all have a great weekend!!

Lame Post....

I have really worn myself out over the last two days. I'm more emotional than usual, and have been CRAZY busy with work, and the kids are home (Spring Break is almost over...YEAH!!) bugging the heck outa me. Yes, I used to homeschool...but, dangit, it's amazing how fast you adapt to NOT having them under foot every minute of the day!!

So, everyone is back safely from the Grandparents', and my sister is safely back home. My house is quickly becoming that old familiar wreck (too bad hubby's cleaning job lasted such a short time!!).

The weather has been BEAUTIFUL...the windows are all open, and we're enjoying the evening breezes, and the girls are playing out on the back patio during the day. Spring fever has really gotten me...I REALLY don't want to be sitting at my desk all day working!

We're getting back into the baseball practice schedule again...one practice tonight, one tomorrow, and back to normal on Monday.

Hubby's got drill this weekend...looks like I'm going to have to drive him over there. It seems that the state of Virginia (bless their little pea-pickin' hearts) can withhold any information they want...including the fact that they have fined you and suspended your license for failing to pay said fine. So, we wait for payday (Monday night) to find out HOW MUCH he has to pay so he can get his license reinstated. GRRR...did I ever mention how backwards they do things in this state?!? Jus' sayin'.....

Oldest daughter is attending an event this weekend...Aquire The Fire...gotta be over at the church offices EARLY to catch her ride....

Hubby's drill, daughter's event, son's baseball practice....somehow we'll get it all done...somehow...somehow....

Questions and Answers

From time to time people ask me questions or say things that I want to respond to, and I've been trying to figure out how to do that, so here is my attempt at that.

Becky at Lazy Daisy Log suggested we go out for coffee when she gets into town...Becky, I'm excited! We have no friends here yet, so going out with anyone will be the news of the week!!!

Sarah, at My Life With Boys told the story of her births...I just wanted to add...I have had 6 live births, only one of which was actually "on time"....only because the doctors scheduled an early C-section for my breach #1 child. The rest were 7 days late, 10 days late, 21 days late, 24 days late, and 25 days late. They were also HUGE....well, my early one was 7#7oz....and they went up from there...2 - 8 lbers, 2 - 9 lbers, and one that was 10# 3oz. Surprisingly, the 10lb one was one the easier births!

Melanie over at Monday through Sunday asked about our Brew Groups at church. I really enjoy our Brew Group...this is the 4th church that we've been in that has a similar thing, and we really like it. It has helped us make closer friends within the church, and has been helpful to be in a group of similar-minded, similar-aged people, dealing with similar problems, but able to come at things from different perspectives. The Mama over at Our Seven Qtpies mentions sending her sister over to visit...please, send her...if she's ready to ROCK at 10:00 on Sunday morning...because this church service defines CONTEMPORARY. I know that style is not for everyone, but we enjoy it....

Oh, and an update on my "Pins and Needles" post.....hubby arrived safely in Virginia around 7:00 pm on Tuesday, after driving for 3 long days. Thank you to everyone for your prayers! They are much appreciated! We are all glad to have hubby/daddy here!

Cynthia at Life is Good asked about my transcription work. I have only just started this week doing medical transcription, working through a service. For years I have tried to get into this, but it never worked...until now....God's timing in all things, I suppose....the services always wanted 2 years of in-office experience, which I don't have. I've done legal transcription in-office, but only took a class on medical terminology, and worked doing billing, and appointment setting in a medical setting. Now, I get my chance.....

Mike, over at Gunny's Gouge is threatening to take away my Girl Scout cookies....good thing you're clear across the country, Mike! Go find some poor, unsuspecting Girl Scout where you are! Oh, and by the way, don't you DARE get my husband in on the whole "What Not to Wear" thing!! One more thing....you remind me of my FIL, a retired Marine.....THAT is why I keep coming back for more!

Sallie, Mike's wife, asked if we still homeschool. Unfortunately, no. I miss homeschooling some days....mainly, I really miss the flexibility that homeschooling allows. I had to stop homeschooling after I went back to work full-time while we were in Montana. I found that it is VERY difficult to homeschool 4 children and work full-time overnights, and remain sane....never mind trying to clean house, cook meals, go to church....or even stay awake!!

Beth, I think you missunderstand me....I LOVE being back on the East Coast. We are now 30 hours closer to family. I love being in an area known for less harsh winters, and more humidity. While it is an adjustment, so is every move.

Okay, me thinks I have covered them all....hope everyone has a GREAT Sunday! I'm off to get ready to head out to our VERY contemporary, VERY rockin' church service!!

Random Dribbles from my Caffiene Deprived Brain

I'm only on my first cup of coffee for the day. I fear I am going to have to make a second pot, though. I woke up this morning, rather reluctantly, when my alarm went off at 6:30...My body does not want to be up. I hurt all over. At least I don't have a headache...small blessings. Our Brew Group last night was at the church offices. The brand new church offices. With STINKY plug-ins all over the place. THAT is why I hurt all over. Why my body refuses to respond to commands from my head. I do NOT understand why people insist on having those things. They are terrible, horrible, no good, very bad....they make every joint and muscle hurt, they cause my brain to go fuzzy on me, they usually give me migraines. They also affect me for at least the next day....I am ultra-sensitive to touch, I can't wear my contacts, I can't put on purfume, my ability to tolerate noise goes WAY down (very important in a small townhouse with 6 other people!). Adding to my list of pet peeves (see here) are DOCTOR'S offices that use those things. How STUPID can you get? There is this thing called olefactory fatigue....it's the phenomenon that happens when you walk into a place, say, a bar with cigarette smoke, and it really bothers you, but you stay. And, say 10 to 30 minutes later, you can't even smell the cigarette smoke. THAT is olefactory fatigue. Now, back to the doctor's office with the stinkies plugged/stuck around the place. Doctors and nurses depend on their noses...as well as the rest of their senses....to tell them things about their patients. When those stinky things are in their offices, covering up other smells, how can we trust that doctor's nose to not be "fatigued"? Okay, end of rant. I can tell I am going to have to go on crusade to get rid of the stinkies in yet another church office. I have found another business I would like to try from home. I still haven't heard anything back from the girl I had applied with to do transcription. Hopefully soon. I really want to do that! However, in the mean time, I have found a franchise opportunity that I can do from home! All I am doing is selling advertising...for a site for Moms! How exciting is that? Need more info, though....going to try calling today. In the mean time, I am still trying my hand at one other business...though I am not so sure it is something I want to keep doing....I don't like doing phone calls to people about a business opportunity....it's one thing to call a place of business. It's a whole 'nother ball of wax to be calling people at home. NOT something I enjoy...but I am determined to give it a good shot, anyway. I like the business....I LOVE their products. I just hate calling people. Tonight, the oldest starts a class at our church offices. This is a class on comparing religions. Should be interesting. I'd love to take it....but 5 other children won't let me. I'm hoping to get the others into AWANA starting tonight. It's been long enough...and I need a reason to not be home at that time of night (see the above paragraph). When I talked to hubby last night, he said that he's pretty much finished with turn-over....he'll be in the background today, if the new guy has any questions, but he's done. Tomorrow he has off. Friday is his Hail and Farewell. Saturday and Sunday are drill....unless they let him leave early...then maybe he can drive out of Montana on Sunday! Yippee!!! I am SO ready for him to be HERE!!! Before he arrives here, though, he has to drive thru the snowy mid-west. Pray for safety for him on the roads, please!