Learning about ME

nar·cis·sism [nahr-suh-siz-em]
–noun

1.  inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity

2.  Psychoanalysis . erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.

(from Dictionary.com) 

  

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.  (Romans 12:3, NIV)

So many times on blogs and Facebook we seen lists of random information about people (I have even done it!).  We *tag* our friends, wanting them to read about our lists about ourselves.  We take hundreds of pictures of ourselves, and post them for the world to see our levels of obsession with ourselves and how we look, and what we think about ourselves.  As a culture, we have bought in, hook, line, and sinker, to the notion that it is all about #1 - I am *THE* single most important person in the world.

That idea, of people being obsessed with themselves, to the point of not recognizing that we are hurting others or of seeing ourselves as the center of the universe used to be recognized as either a stage that every child grows through and out of, or a diagnosable mental illness.  No more.  In the latest evolution of our obsession with ourselves, we have so far removed our society from health that now narcissism has been removed from the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (D.S.M.-5) as a diagnosable mental illness. You can read all about how upset clinicians in the field of mental health are about that removal.  That is not my point.

There ARE times when we should become more aware of ourselves, of how we look and act.  We definitely need to take time each day to have a look in the mirror - if for nothing else, at least to make sure we didn't leave traces of breakfast smeared across our face.  Figuratively, we also need to do daily checks in the mirror to evaluate how we look to others, in our character, how we are responding to circumstances, if we are becoming more Christ-like, or if we are allowing ourselves to become more and more selfish.  Self-evaluation is not a bad thing.

In fact, I would venture to say that we *need* to self-evaluate on a regular basis in order to be growing and maturing.  It is very easy for me to get stuck at a point, in my head, where I either did something *right* - "way to go, Laura...good paper!" or where I completely blew it - "Laura, that was SO stupid!  How could you?!?"  When I get stuck at those points, I am not doing a healthy evaluation of either those circumstances, or of my own self.   When that happens, I need a healthy dose of reality from people around me, helping me to see my pride.

So, this challenging time in my life has been prompting me to do a lot of self-evaluation, and some of the things I am learning about myself are just plain painful.  I don't *like* having my inflated views of myself deflated.  I don't like to be challenged to view myself as something different than that person I think I am, somewhere deep in my head.  The self-evaluation has also meant dealing with some issues that were buried deeply so that I *wouldn't* have to work on them.  More pain.  Did I mention that I don't like pain?!?

One of the things that this time of self-evaluation has done is prompting me to see myself through someone else's eyes...specifically, through the eyes of Someone who loved me enough to die for me, and who still loves me, despite my shortcomings.  Being loved so unconditionally has an amazing affect on my view of myself!!


I John 4:19  "We love because He first loved us."

People in Pain

People in pain all over the place
sickness
disease
heartache
grief
voices in our heads
telling us
you're not enough
you'll always fail
the voices keep playing
again and again
living for years after their shelf-life
reminding us of failures and fears
things from our pasts we'd rather forget
that come back over and over
defeating us repeatedly

That we are people needing friends
to help to change the tapes
those recordings that haunt us
replacing them with the truth
Needing reminders that we are loved
that those tapes are lies...
that they need to be rooted out...

Because renewing our minds
means changing the things
that make up the way we think...
because having a new mind
will transform our lives...

...and rid us of the fear and pain...
that haunts us all
from day to day

So we can pass it on to other
people in pain all over the place....

Laura Paxton, December, 2009

A wise and timely article...

A friend from college days has posted a response to some of the disturbing things in the news today. Please check out his article.... Every Bullet Has Your Name On It!

Thanks, Sam! That was a good reminder!!

What, Me Insecure?!?

I have to keep re-evaluating my own mental health. From time to time, I get overly insecure and worry about EVERYTHING, and start driving my husband crazy. At that point I have to go back and look at what is affecting me this time.

So, yesterday I was going through this mental evaluation and something dawned on me that I probably should have recognized a long time ago.

See, I have this tendency to blame my depression, worry and insecurity on anything and everything but where it *should* be. If finances are tight, I blame it on money. If gas prices are going up, or my children are having trouble, or change is in the foreseeable future, I have something to blame it on.

Yesterday it dawned on me that even if I had a perfect life...lots of money, perfect children, faithful attentive husband, housekeeper, etc, I would STILL be insecure. My security does not/can NOT depend on circumstances.

Maybe this doesn't mean a lot to you, but to me, it was pivotal. I don't know why. I SHOULD have understood this a long time ago.

After all, I DO know that God is in control.
I KNOW that He loves me beyond anything I can imagine.
I KNOW that He will provide for all my needs.
I know these things, but for some reason I have been insecure for all of my life.

Pray for me, please, as I work on the transforming of my mind that needs to occur.

So, I guess that's my New Year' s resolution for this year....what is yours?

How do YOU teach your children about your values?

I've been thinking about this question lately. What methods are the most effective to use to get your values across to your children?

I know that I default to the way I was taught when I am not thinking about how I communicate what I consider most important to my children. I know that it worked to get my parents' values across to me....but my children live in a different era and are exposed to a lot more than I was ever exposed to. I *want* to be more deliberate about how I teach my children, but when I'm tired (most of the time), or rushed (again, most of the time), or just lazy, I don't think through what I am saying to my children.

So all of this got me to thinking about the best way for my children to learn from me, and it reminded me of one of my favorite quotes, "Children rarely misquote you. Rather, they repeat word-for-word what you shouldn't have said."

Children do most of their learning from us when we're not trying to teach them. They learn our bad habits, our irritating mannerisms, and the words we say that we don't want them to say. In other words, they learn by example moreso than lecture.

So, how am I to teach my children the way I want them to live?

I have to live in front of them the life I want them to emulate. I have to be an example.

So, I have to examine my life. How am *I* living? Am I being what I want my children to become? What is my life teaching my children? Am I giving example of a life fully committed to God? Or, am I showing my children how to lazily sit in front of the TV, not being careful of what is in front of my eyes? What does the music I listen to teach my children? Am I teaching my children to gossip? Am I teaching them to care for their bodies by eating good foods and staying in shape?

For a lot of years, I thought that being a parent was going to be easy. And frankly, if I allow myself to default to how I was raised, it *is* easy. BUT, that way does not necessarily produce the results I am looking for in my children. I am starting realize that parenting is hard work...and the hardest part of it is in evaluating myself, and living in such a way that I am being the right example to my children.

So, how do YOU teach your children your values?

Living and Learning

I LOVE taking my children to church and watching them learn about the Lord. There is just something about living out ministry to other believers that resonates in their little heads and they seem to "get it."

That doesn't mean it's always easy. I've been hearing things about what that little cutie up there has been saying and doing at church on Sunday mornings that DO NOT make me happy with her. We are SO busy setting up before services each week that my children do not always get the attention they need, and they sometimes end up doing and saying things that, while they are not BAD, are not a very good idea....but these would be things that a 4-year-old won't recognize as being a problem.

Because of these issues, we've had to make some changes. We're still going early and helping set up. But, the 4 youngest children no longer have the run of the building during the time that the adults are preoccupied with setting up. They also do not have access to the tea, coffee and donuts.

At this point in my life, I *should* be past being embarrassed by my children....but I got embarrassed by this situation...mainly because I learned about it from someone I respect very much. The FIRST thought that went through my mind was that *her* children would never do that. Yeah, I was embarrassed.

I also realized that I have some things in *my* life that need work. Embarrassing things. Things talked about in that verse in James 3, where he compares the tongue to a fire that can't be tamed. OUCH. Yeah, I'm still learning and (hopefully) growing. So, for now I am biting my tongue...because I'm tired of embarrassing myself and my husband....

So, is there some area in your life you know God is working on?

Life's Curve Balls

Life has a way of throwing us curve balls, doesn't it? Like when I though we were moving to New Orleans...I'd *almost* wrapped my brain around that when those orders got changed and he was "punished" be being sent to Texas...thank you, Lord, for your punishment!

How would you define a curve ball? In baseball, when a pitcher throws a curve ball, it doesn't take the expected route to the batter...instead, that ball curves like it is going somewhere else first, but eventually comes back to do what was intended...and goes across the plate for the batter to swing at it.

In my life, I have seen a good number of curve balls....things I *thought* were going one way, which ended up taking a different route, but accomplished the same intentions, usually causing change in my life or especially spiritual growth.

For myself, I think I get stuck in the day-to-day sameness, and don't recognize when God is trying to work on me. I think that I sometimes make it a necessity for God to throw curve balls at me, so I will actually pay attention to what He's doing.

So, what do YOU do when God throws you a curve ball?

Adventures in childrearing: Mini-Me

Remember your mom cursing you as a child..."I hope you have a kid just like you!"?

I remember it...every time I look at my little 6-year-old girl. This kid amazes me. She is bright. She is cute. And she annoys the heck out of me. She is JUST like me.

This is the child who cannot remember from one minute to the next that we told her to STOP PLAYING WITH THE CAT. The one who "forgets" EVERYTHING. The slow eater. The S-L-O-W walker. Oh, and that poor cat? Yeah, STOP TORTURING HER!!!

I am beginning to see how I drove my mother crazy...I'm surprised we weren't both in straightjackets before I graduated high school! Sometimes I think about what I might tell myself, if I could give myself any words of wisdom....and some days I have to actually apply those words to living with this miniature version of myself.

I have to remember, daily, that this is a CHILD. She does not have the years of life experience to teach her things. She also does not have the weight of responsibility on her shoulders. She is a CHILD.

I get impatient with my mini-me almost daily. I expect her to do things on my schedule. I expect her to remember things. I expect her to get along with her siblings, and respect their property. I expect her to be nice to the cat....or at the very least, leave her alone.

And then, I see something in her that reminds me of myself....the daydreamer I used to be. The kid who loved all the animals, and probably tortured them (okay, I DID torture them). The little person who felt things deeply, and was probably unreasonable in a lot of my thoughts and actions.

And, because she reminds me of myself, I am learning to extend a little more grace to her...because I WANT her to be that child, and I want her to be able to daydream, and love, and feel....and maybe (someday) she'll learn not to torture the poor cat.

What is your child teaching you today?

Teachable Moments

Does any parent *ever* feel prepared for THOSE discussions with their children?!? You know the ones...where stereotypically the parents are more embarrassed by the discussion than the children are...Actually, the one I had today had nothing to do with embarrassing subjects. Just ones that are hard to discuss on any front.

I had the s-x discussion with my 14 year old a couple of years ago..it really wasn't too bad. I'm hoping that my husband has had a similar talk with our 12 year old...still need to ask him about that. (ACK!) I think I'm about due to have the same talk with the 10 year old. We're late-bloomers in our house...really....the 14.5 year old is still, by definition, a child. Yeah.

So, back to the subject at hand. My 12 year old said that he liked a girl at school and wanted to go on a date. ACK! NOT ready for that. But, I decided to redeem the moment...making the most of him creating the opening.

I asked him what he liked about this girl....she's pretty and she likes to goof around. Pretty much what I expected. Nothing profound.

We talked about the fact that he won't get to date...that he's too young, and that if by some coincidence he got to go out, he'd have the company of either his mother or his father for the whole "date." Even his 14 year old sister has yet to have a "date."

Then we talked about what dating REALLY was...preparing for marriage. About the whole thing of trying to figure out ahead of time what kind of person he is interested in. About understanding about personality differences, and being unequally yoked. About learning to know someone by how they respond to other people, and with their parents. About how getting to know someone in a group is preferable to a single date where each is trying to impress the other.

I think I overwhelmed him. I actually hope I did. I am NOT ready for him to date yet. And if I scared him a little bit, that's not such a bad thing, is it? He's got PLENTY of time to date....after he's 25 or 30 or even 40!!! (okay, so his dad was married at 19[WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!?], but my brothers both got married after 30).

All of that to say that taking advantage of teachable moments is how parenting works best for us...if I had to CREATE the chance to say all of that stuff....I'd be WAY stressed!! Another side benefit of being home with my kids!!!!

Responding to Failure

I have been sorting things in the garage. It's a mess out there, and it's terribly tiring work. I'm finding all kinds of interesting stuff. I'm going through boxes of papers, and running my shredder like crazy.


I'm also finding things that I am keeping...and sitting down to read every once in a while, remembering. Honestly, this is the most tiring part of the sorting...because emotional baggage is tiring.


As you know, if you've read here for a while, Jason and I have been through a LOT. Rather, I should rephrase...GOD has brought us through a lot. Some of it has been pretty ugly. We've made bad decisions. We've attempted to do the right thing. I've talked too much about the things that we've done...unfortunately, I'm not done with it. But that is not what I want to cover here.


What I want to cover is how the church responds when other Christians make bad decisions, give in to temptation, and otherwise fail to live up to what we're supposed to be. In other words, when Christians act like the sinners we really ARE...


Let's face it, every time this discussion comes up, we'd all like to say that we are exempt from temptation...that *I* won't be the one who makes bad financial decisions, cheats on my spouse, breaks the law, etc. Realistically, we KNOW that we are just as susceptible as the next guy or gal, but we tend to bury our heads, or adopt the attitude of "ignore it and it will go away."


Then, when someone else fails, how do we respond?


We've heard a LOT of terrible responses from Christian brothers and sisters who should have known better. A lot of people in churches seem to react to others' failures by kicking the hurting person while they are already at a very low point. Even church leaders have been known to do this.


Scripturally, I believe this is the wrong response.

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.
Romans 12:9a Love must be sincere.
Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Romans 12:13 Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Paul is building on a theme here, that people that are Christ's followers are supposed to be DIFFERENT. We are not only changed on the outside, but also on the inside. We are supposed to respond to people lovingly, rejoicing with those who rejoice, and mourning with those who are mourning. EVEN when they are mourning a bad decision that they have made. When they are mourning their sins.

So, my take on this is just that...my take....and here it is.

The Family of the Church is a HOSPITAL for hurting people. We welcome and look for people who are hurting, because we have something to give them. We have THE source of all healing. We have access to the Great Physician. He is the one who can heal all of the hurting people.

Every member of this HUGE Family is at some stage in their own personal healing process. We've all be hurt and are convalescing. NONE of us are beyond that. NO ONE is completely healed.

We tend to forget that we ARE still healing after we've been doing this Christianity thing for a while. We forget that we WERE hurting a LOT more....that we have been there in the past...and that there is a possibility of each of us falling back into it again.

AND, because we forget where we've been in the past, we are VERY hard on our brothers and sisters who are hurting right now. We expect THEM to be perfect. We forget to extend the grace to them that has been extended to us.

We have a responsibility to NOT respond that way. We have a RESPONSIBILITY to respond like we HAVE been changed. To extend grace, loving our HUGE extended Family the way that we want to be loved. To be who Christ called us to be.

Life goes on....

...even when I miss a day of posting, and can't keep up with my house. Here, in the midst of things, I am adjusting my thinking.

I have the amazing ability to be overwhelmed with the smallest of things, and my life is not filled with just small things. Every day is crazy, and I still haven't succeeded in paring things down to a more manageable level. We HAVE cut out a few things, and it helps....but the biggest help so far has been changing my perspective...and talking it all out with my husband.

I am learning contentment with my life in this stage...because it WILL pass quickly. I am remembering that my life can (and has been) MUCH worse, and I am very grateful for every thing we have the opportunity to be involved in.

I am grateful that my kids have the opportunity to do baseball/softball...the fact that they can means that we had the money to pay for it all.

I am grateful for our church, and all the opportunities to be involved...for the Men's Brew Group, because that means that my husband has guys he can talk to and be accountable to. And, for the Women's Brew Group, because they're an awesome bunch of ladies who are encouraging and supportive, and I am making some amazing friends. And, for the Children's Ministry...because this is something I am proud my kids can be part of....

I am grateful for my house...that we're in military housing, because that means that I don't ever have to worry about us getting evicted over not paying the rent....or getting the electricity turned off...or the garbage not being picked up...or the repairs not being made.....

I am grateful for the vehicles we have....which are steadily getting paid off...relatively painlessly!

I am grateful for my hardworking husband, and all of my wonderful children.

And THAT is my perspective for today....now, I have to go work!!

Paring Down

Over the last couple of days, Jason and I have been talking about how we
can't do EVERYTHING. We get to this point every little while where we
realize that we're just TOO, too busy, and something has to go.

Jason is one of those people who can do a ton of things, and do them well,
and he gets charged up by being busy. Not me. I get overwhelmed in a
hurry. I have to have a bit slower schedule to stay sane.

I am reading a book that our Ladies' Brew Group is studying right now...it
is one that I read for a Sunday School class in Montana, and it has been good
for me to go back through it, and review...and God knew we'd need the lessons
I'm reading right now.

The book is Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World, by Joanna Weaver, and
last night I was reading in chapter four, The Cure, where the author is talking
about remembering what Jesus said to Martha.

"Only one thing is needed."

• It is not necessary for me to take on the Team Mom position...there are 30+ other moms out there for my kids' teams....I am the only mom that God gave to my children.
• I do not HAVE TO be on the PTA/PTO for my children's schools...I am no less of a good parent for refusing.
• I have not been asked (by God) to take on any number of (good) causes...He expects me to do a good job of the ONE thing He gave me to do...raising my children.

I am very good at taking on things...and then getting very overwhelmed. I do not think things through very well. I need to be more thoughtful...."Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: 'Give careful thought to your ways.'" (Haggai 1:5)

So, in keeping with that, the author has thoughtfully provided some steps to sorting through the myriad of activities that present themselves.

1. Make a list of all the activities you are involved in (children, work, church, etc.)
2. Pray over and prioritize the activities according to importance, assigning each one a number from one to four.
3. Eliminate all of the "fours."

So, Jason and I are in the middle of working through those thing in our lives that are making us crazy...somehow, saying "NO" at this point seems SO hard...