Tuesday, October 19, 2010

**WARNING** RANT ** WARNING**

Or maybe I should just say, emotional spillage of the "keeper of the stuff" this week.
Blame it on the hormones.
Lack of sleep.
Too many teenagers in the house?
Too much time to think.
Anyway, for your reading pleasure....written last night before collapse.
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Must not appear weak.

Must not cry.

Must not show fear.

Must not snap at children.

Must not ask for help.

Must not.

Why?!?

Because I’m supposed to be strong?!?

Because I don’t want to scare my children?

Because I don’t want to scare myself?

There are so many reasons.

My husband has to concentrate on his job. If I dump it on him, I may distract him from his job. Can’t do that.

Other people have their own lives. They’re busy. If I dump on someone, they are going to run the other way screaming. I’ve lost too many potential friends that way. I NEED all of the friends I have.

I am too needy, apparently. I supposedly knew what I was getting into. Yeah, right.

I was the one who chose to have so many children. It’s all my fault, so I’m not allowed to ask for help.

I have to be a good student, have a perfectly clean house, get all of my work done on time, be the wife that my husband needs (which right now means running all over creation to get errands accomplished), be the perfect daughter (whatever that is…because apparently whatever it is, I can never meet up to that standard), never forget appointments, be sunny and cheerful at all times, have a well-developed, grounded and growing relationship with God – always in good standing with Him and all of His children (RIGHT), have all of the finances in order, the cars in perfect working condition, the dog and cat perfectly groomed and perfectly behaved, keep the neighbors happy, always drive the speed limit (good luck), and somehow wear that stupid perpetual smile/grin that is NOT me.

Meanwhile, deep inside, I want to cry. I need help with the 13+ loads of laundry per week, the kitchen is a mess, the dog stinks (and what *IS* that green spot on the carpet?!?), the cat escapes whenever she gets the chance, the kids are doing good to get their homework done each night, never mind the laundry, cleaning their rooms, and keeping up with outside commitments, I’m behind on my school work, AND on my work-work, my mother won’t talk to me, and I feel like a failure in almost every arena, at the moment.

The devil is really having a hey-day with me today. The tapes are playing loud and clear…but not quite loud enough to drown out the praise music in the background, or the beautiful words of encouragement from great friends.

1 comment:

Tara Anderson said...

What you are feeling is PERFECTLY normal...either that or we're both entirely screwed up! :) It's hard being everything--and everyone--while our husbands are away. And the enemy will whisper all the lies he can to us while the stress is piled on top of us! Cry when you need to and crank up the stereo to the tune of God's majesty and glory. If you try to do it all on your own, you WILL fail...but God's power is made perfect in your weakness and His grace is sufficient to meet your every need. You are surrounded by people who love you, and when you don't call out to them you cheat them out of the opportunity to bless you.

I love you and I'm only a Skype call away!!!