Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Tuesday Ramblings

The kids are all dropped off at school...no one took the bus today.  The oldest is not feeling well, but wanted to go to school anyway, because today is her day for her math class that she's doing so poorly in, and she needs to be there.  Tomorrow is her AP English exam, so she'll have a chance to sleep after that is done. 

This singly-parenting-while-married thing is hard.  Juggling schedules for 6 kids and myself, and making time to be at the computer each and every time he might be able to get on and talk.  I miss him so much.  I feel a hole in my chest where he is supposed to be.  I have a hard time sleeping.  I never get enough sleep.  I have a short fuse and a messy house...and no motivation to clean.

I feel alone.  Since he's deployed as a GSA (by himself, not with a "unit" - between other sets of orders), we don't really have a built-in support system here for me and the kids.  I am missing being in military housing with other spouses who could commiserate with me.  I'm not really feeling the love from our church...mainly, I think, because we're not set up to deal with it.  *I* was supposed to be the head of the military ministry, not the one needing the support...which means *I* get nothing.  Oh, people ask how we are.  What am I supposed to say?!?  Usually, I'm okay.  Because that's about where I am.  Things are okay.  We cope.  We get the big stuff done.  I want to think that things would be better if we had a really supportive church.  How would I know...this is the first time we have done anything like this. 

So, not only am I dealing with the deployment issues, but my heart is heavy for some friends who are hurting.  Single parents struggling to make ends meet and feeling alone.  Married friends dealing with marital issues.  Friends working through stuff from their past.  Parents hurting for their children.  Children hurting for their parents.  Today I'm feeling all of this as a weight on my chest. 

The dog is outside barking because he wants to be inside.  Last night we had to put up the baby gate to block him from getting to the cat box and picking out "treats."  I want to hurl, thinking about that one. 

I need to go to the pet store to get crickets for the leopard gecko. 
I need to go to the grocery store...I feel like I spend half of my life there.
I need to go to the hardware store, with measurements in hand to price blinds...and closet doors. 
I need someone to help put up new, or fix the old closet doors. 
I need to paint the rails with the paint I bought last week. 
I need to bathe the little dog.
I need to mow the yard.
I need to get on the treadmill.
I need to get in the shower and get ready for lunch with a friend. 
I need to clean my kitchen, shampoo the carpet, clean my bedroom, scrub the bathrooms, do laundry.

I *want* to curl up with a mindless book somewhere and read and sleep.  I want to be pampered.  I want my husband home. 

The promise of lunch beckons...must go. 


Sara said...

Oh Laura! I read this post and could completely relate. I just wanted to encourage you and remind you that you aren't alone. I know you can feel alone - I have felt that way as well this deployment, and I remember our first deployment just shaking my head in bewilderment at the lack of support from our church - people we considered family. I guess this deployment I have learned to lower my expectations.

And I have been there with being the one to give support but not really feeling support from others. But I do think it's wonderful that you have stepped out to help lead your group. I hope you can find some sense of satisfaction that you are doing what God's calling you to do.

Whether you think you are or not, I know you are doing a great job through this. You are being an amazing mom to your kids and an amazing support to your husband. You are making a difference.

Let me share with you the verse I have held on to for this deployment: "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28.

Blessings on your day today. I hope it got much, much better.


Tara Anderson said...

When people ask how you're doing...tell them. THE TRUTH! It's okay to say it's been a hard week, that you're at your wits end, whatever! People aren't going to be able to meet your needs unless you share them. Don't be afraid to be transparent. It's a HUGE help!!!

Love you!!!

Marla Taviano said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog, Laura. Prayed for you just now. Putting myself in your shoes makes my head swirl and my heart hurt. Hugs to you today!!

Laura said...

Sara, thank you so much for the encouragement! It means a lot!

Marla, thank you for coming by my little home on the web! Wish we could sit down and chat over coffee!

liberal army wife said...

Laura - you need to TELL the church members you need help. They simply don't get it, they don't understand, and they aren't going to just DO what you and I would do if we were in that same boat. civilians dont get it and until we spell it out in words of one syllable, we can't educate them. let them know, you need to "rent a spouse" for all those chores, for the little things. This is how they will learn, and it's a great way for you to lead your military ministry. Please. tell them. Please. for the sake of all those other milspouses who need the help, do it.