Originally written May 11, 2011, and titled "A Place to Begin", this was written while Jason was deployed to Bahrain, and I was a full-time student at Regent University. This post really reflects where I am today. I have since finished school, and have been in counseling the whole time. Some days I feel as if I have made no progress whatsoever, and some days I feel as if I have made a lot of progress.
Some days I feel totally disconnected from the world.
I feel like an orphaned child,
a "whipping boy" in the family where I have been placed.
Some days I feel like the king of the universe.
I feel as if I can take on anything,
Some days - most days - I feel as if no one cares who I am,
what I feel,
what direction I go.
There are things that I know in my head to be true, which I am afraid I will never feel inside of me.
I KNOW that I am loved.
"I have loved you with an everlasting love..." Jeremiah 31:3
I know that my husband loves me...that I *do* feel, sometimes.
I know that my children love me.
I KNOW that I have potential, promise, possibility.
I KNOW that I am a good mother.
I KNOW that I am a good student.
I do not feel any of those things...except the *rarely* feeling loved.
I doubt myself.
I doubt my abilities.
I beat myself up over things that are not my fault.
I battle the tapes that play in my head on a daily basis....
...those tapes that say I am not enough...
...not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not cheerful enough, not spiritual enough, not industrious enough, not organized enough, not a good enough friend.
I feel like if I only *tried* harder I could be/do enough.
So I battle on.
I am in counseling.
I am in a body of believers, learning and studying, and fellowshipping, and ministering.
This journey I am on is not easy.
I can't just "snap out of it," whatever "it" may be today.
I am learning how my past affects me on a daily basis, and I don't like it.
I am relearning things about how others see me...*VERY* different from how I see myself.
I am trying to give myself grace...room to grow and change, and to stop beating myself up.