Memories (installment 22)

I thought it was unfortunate that life continued despite how I felt.

I really was scared.

The thought of being a single mom of 4 children was exceedingly frightening. I KNEW we would lose the house, and I wouldn't have any transportation because the car was going to be repossessed. I imagined us on food stamps and in low-income housing, shunned by all of our friends because my husband decided to have an affair.

All of those thoughts passed through my mind in about 30 seconds' time.

Then my oldest came into the room and asked why I was crying. How do you tell a 6-year-old that her Daddy has walked away from his family? That you don't know what the future holds? That everything she knew was about to change, drastically?

I told her that I was sad because Daddy was doing things that God didn't want him to do, and that we needed to pray for Daddy. That somehow satisfied her, and she went back to play with her siblings.

In that 2 minute conversation with my daughter, all that I believed was solidified. I knew what I would do, no matter the responses.

In the mean time, more things were set in motion. Jason was a deacon in our church, and the board had to figure out how to deal with him. They also had to figure out how to deal with the hurting wife and abandoned children.

For the next week, I kept functioning...going to and from work in a fog. I kept feeding and caring for my children, and getting them to school and to Nana's house. I went to church, and sat there in a fog.

Our church family loved us. The car WAS repossessed, and the church bought us another car...an older one, but it was solid and inexpensive. Friends pitched in and babysat, and one friend in particular took my to get my hair cut...I cut it drastically shorter than I was used to.

My dad came and changed the locks at the house for me. He did other things around the house, helping me get it ready to sell...since we knew it was headed into foreclosure, we had to do something quickly. I got in touch with our original realtor and she put it on the market for us.

My father-in-law and another elder paid a retainer fee for an attorney for me. I went to see him, and could barely put two words together to tell him what was happening. He suggested a Private Investigator to get proof of them living together. That meant more money...that I didn't have. I couldn't make that decision, so left to think it over. I talked to my brothers who reminded me of a friend from Bible College who was a PI. I talked to Tony who volunteered to work for free.

By this time, it was another weekend...about a week and a half after finding out the dreadful truth. Three of Jason's close friends from our church decided that they too needed to confront him. After church on Sunday morning they drove to Greenville and talked to him. Again, they got no response from him. One friend, David, asked Jason what we were supposed to tell the children...how were we supposed to explain their father's abandonment to them? Apparently this one simple question started to clear the fog in Jason's brain.

Another week of pain, crying myself to sleep every night, spending hours on the phone with my best friend, and making decisions about our future. At least that was what I anticipated. God had other plans.

Monday morning, October 9th, I got a phone call from Jason, saying that he was leaving Greenville, and coming back to Columbia. He was leaving the girlfriend with all of the stuff and wanted to know if I would at least talk to him when he got back to Columbia. I was cautious. He had hurt me deeply and I was not ready to believe that he would actually come back.

Later that afternoon, I got another phone call at work, from Jason's friend, David, who said that Jason WAS back in town, and was going to be staying with David for a little while.

Jason had a lot of work to do, repairing relationships with a lot of people. He spent time with our pastor, and found another job, roofing. He wanted to get back together with me right away. I wasn't ready.

In early November, the church helped me moved out of the house, to my brother's house an hour away. I quit my job and moved my daughter to the new school, and started settling in at James' house.

I met with Jason at the mall one day before we moved, and he was kind, and thoughtful, and VERY anxious to make things right with me. I was getting a LOT of pressure from people around me to take my time. To NOT take him back. To go through with a divorce I didn't want. I still knew where I stood, and I was determined to do it what I believed was God's way.

Shortly after our move to my brother's house, Jason wanted to come visit with us. He came out one day, and two days later was back....for good.

At that point, I didn't care what anyone else said or thought about us. All I cared was that we were together again....that God was healing our marriage....

...but it still hurt when Jason's parents refused to talk to us. And the church shunned us.

I still don't understand....