Grieving

Grief is overwhelming some days.

Frankly, I didn't think that I would grieve the loss of my grandmother.

What I didn't realize is that my grief would be centered around the loss of potential relationships with her, and with my parents.

I also did not know that my grief would touch everything I do and am.

It is almost as if having permission to grieve my grandmother has given me permission (finally) to grieve the many other losses in my life.

So, today I grieve the losses of my other three grandparents, who passed away in February, 1999, December, 1999, and June, 2006.  I grieve the loss of my brother, who passed away in 1975, at the age of 5 months.  I grieve the loss of my friends from high school who died far too young.  I grieve the death of my wonderful neighbor who lived a long and full life.  I grieve with my friends who have lost children and grandchildren.

In addition to lives lost, I am also finding myself grieving other losses...potentials, dreams, friendships.  I grieve the losses associated with all of the moves...loss of home, security, friendships, comfort zones, jobs, fun times, church families.

I also mourn the loss of innocence, the death of my naivete.  I grieve the losses I have experienced at the hands of others...as the result of others' sins, poor decisions, or ignorance.

I mourn the death of my dreams for myself, my husband, and my children.  I grieve lost time, which resulted in lost opportunity, lost relationships, and lost potential.

I grieve the losses caused by trauma, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.  I mourn a loss of identity, loss of mental health, and the loss of healthy relational bonds.

I also find myself grieving for national and international losses...lives lost in war, to famine, and disease, and through bondage inflicted by others.

Grief is overwhelming some days.  Today is one of those days.