Control vs Faith (2020 in review)

So very much of this year has felt chaotic and out of control.  A recent discussion reminded me that we strive to live by faith but often end up doing the opposite in our attempts to control every aspect of our lives.  

As a reminder, the news this year has been replete with events outside of our control:

• Presidential impeachment and elections
• more than 30 names hurricanes
• wildfires in Australia and the Western US
• "murder hornets"
• many celebrity deaths, including Kobe Bryant and Ruth Bader Ginsburg
• volcano eruption in the Philippine Islands
• plane crashes in Tehran and Pakistan
• earthquakes in Mexico and Turkey
• flooding in China, India, and Nepal
• train derailment in China
• pandemic and economic and mental health impacts. 

On a more local scale, the town where we live has seen a huge upsurge in gang and drug violence, and a huge negative impact on the mental health of many.  

Meanwhile, in the Paxton family, we have had a busy year.  Currently in the home are:

• Jason - on terminal leave from the Navy
• Laura - currently working at Walmart
• Justin - 20-year-old college sophomore
• Leah - 18-year-old college freshman
• Kyah - 18-year-old high school senior
• Katherine - 17-year-old high school junior

Jason is in the middle of transitioning from military life after 21 years in the Navy.  After so long living under the very regimented life dictated by military service, this transition is proving to be a challenge to our faith.  In addition to completing his duties, he has had multiple doctors' appointments, a reconstruction of his foot (with subsequent physical therapy), and is working to find another job.  We trust that God will provide and guide to the next place for him.  

Laura started the year with two jobs, one of which went "virtual" in March, and she was then fired in July.  Fortunately, Walmart had plenty of available extra hours, which has more than made up for the income lost.  

Justin is currently in the middle of his sophomore year at Millikin University and is still working part-time at Starbucks.  

Leah graduated from high school in June and was able to start at Millikin University in the fall, studying Art Therapy.  She is also working at Starbucks.  

Kyah has finally found a job that she likes and is finishing up her senior year in high school.  

Katherine is a high school junior, as a homeschooler, and dearly missing her other social interactions.  

The remainder of the children are in other places and are doing well.  

• Frances and Nick will be welcoming another son in May, soon after Charles' 2nd birthday.  They are in Massachusetts.
• Jon stays busy with landscaping and waiting tables in Virginia Beach, VA.  
• Heather and Darien are in Southern Illinois, and are planning a wedding for September, 2021.

Other random events:

• 1 more Drivers' License
• 1 more Learner's Permit
• 3 cars changed owners
• many health crises
• Zoom meetings
• virtual, online, hybrid school
• work-from-home
• essential worker
• thousands of potential COVID exposures
• 10 negative COVID tests

Through all of the chaos and upheaval this year has seen, we are reminded that God is in control of every aspect of our lives, especially when things are out of our control.  We don't know what 2021 will hold for us, where we will be, or when things will feel "normal" again.  Thankfully, we know that God knows.  

Christmas, 2019

Merry Christmas!!

Time for the annual updates....

January 2019 involved a 12-hour drive to and from South Carolina for Laura and Katherine to spend two weeks at the hospital with where my mother slowly emerged from a diabetic crisis, and from which she went (in February) to a nursing facility.

February saw Jason and me celebrating my 50th birthday aboard the Carnival Triumph with our friends Ken and Emily, with stops in Cozumel and Progresso, Mexico. 

In March, we went to Milwaukee, WI, for a Yellow Ribbon workshop for Sailors who had been deployed to process the impacts the deployment had on themselves and their relationships.

April saw Katherine and me on the road again, spending 3 weeks in the Boston area awaiting the birth of our first grandchild.  Charles Judah finally arrived on April 25th.  During that time all of the rest of the family was able to come for a week with Frances and Nick.

May was relatively uneventful for most of the family, though Justin was able to spend some time in New Orleans with his friend Jayden, celebrating Jayden's high school graduation.

June included my mother's death after 6 months of battling for her life, and a trip to South Carolina for her memorial service.  In addition, Katherine and Leah went to Cincinnati, OH, for our church's annual trip to work in an inner-city neighborhood.

July was a lot of working, and enjoying the summer days, a trip to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway for the Indi 500 and preparing for a family trip in August. Also, Leah became a "Certified Barrista" at Starbucks, and Justin started working there, as well.

August saw almost the whole family gathered in South Carolina for a few restful days of family, friends, swimming, and pictures.  While we were gone to SC, Heather moved out to her new apartment in Carbondale, IL, where she is managing a Journey shoe store.

September was busy, with Jason having surgery on September 11....

...and a trip to Virginia Beach for me to attend our nephew's wedding...

...with a huge plus of seeing a whole lot of friends AND our son!!

We were also able to make another trip to Indianapolis for the Indy 400, and to spend some time with Jason's cousins.

October was our 27th wedding anniversary and the 28th anniversary of our dating, with a date to one of our favorites.










November was also very full....

At the beginning of the month, Jason and I were in Great Lakes and Chicago for a Navy Retirement workshop for a week.

While there, we were able to see some friends...

...Justin was in the local production of the musical "All Shook Up", loosely based on Elvis Pressley's music.

Heather and her boyfriend Darien were able to come to visit for part of the day for Thanksgiving.

In December, Leah and Justin finished their school semesters (both did very well), and Leah is now officially finished with her high school work and will be moving into her first semester of being an official college student.  I got a job (FINALLY!) working in a private practice as a counselor, and we again had a full table for Christmas lunch today, with Kyah, Heather, and Darien, as well as Jason and I, Justin, Leah, and Katherine.



Here's praying that 2020 will be less eventful, but also full of great memories!! 
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Lonely

Lonely doesn't even begin to cover where I am today. 

I'm sad. 
I'm grieving. 
I'm angry. 
I'm afraid...afraid that I'm on the edge of depression...afraid that a terrible injustice is going to ruin our lives...afraid that evil will prevail. 
I'm overwhelmed. 
And, yes, I am LONELY. 

I am so VERY lonely. 
Yes, there are friends. 
And yes, I can talk to some of them about some of the things. 
But, really I don't have anyone with whom I can talk about ALL of the things. 

So I pray...my heart bleeds...my eyes leak...my chest feels heavy...my brain feels tired. 
And I know He hears...
...which is comforting...
...but still I am lonely. 

Because right now, I need someone with skin on to be Jesus to me...
...to wait for answers with me...
...to be parent-like to me...
...to hug me while I cry...
...to insist that I eat when I feel more like vomiting from the stress...
...to help me laugh...
...to distract me.

Lonely. 

Today's News

May, 1987

Due West - Lynn Hestir Wegener, 74, died Wednesday, June 12, at AnMed Health in Anderson, following a brief illness.

Lynn is survived by Joseph, her husband of 52 years, her brother Brad Hestir and sister Lee Hestir Silver of western NC, sons David and James, daughters Laura and Naomi, 8 grandchildren and one great-grandson, and numerous family and friends. She is preceded in rest by her brother Brent and son John.

January, 2019

Raised in Texas, Lynn developed an early passion for literature and languages, earning a degree from Eckerd College.  She employed her linguistic skills in numerous local papers and periodicals, teaching at local public and private schools and colleges, and in homeschooling her children. Lynn also instilled a deep love for arts, language, science, and the Bible through daily readings to her family.

  

Lynn wrote, edited, and published articles in publications throughout upstate SC, including The Abbeville Press and Banner, The Honea Path Chronicle, Organic Gardening, Mother Earth News, and various other periodicals.

  

Lynn enjoyed volunteering with the American Red Cross, where her linguistic skills in Spanish, Russian, and German were used. She and Joe also sponsored multiple refugee families from southeast Asia and former Communist countries throughout the 80s and 90s, providing homes, jobs, and teaching English.

  

A graveside service is held on June 13 in Due West, and a memorial service will be at Temple B’nai Israel in Anderson June 16th at 4:30 pm.

Life goes on...and other indisputable facts...

Mayan ruins in Progresso, Mexico

It has been more than a year since we arrived in Illinois, and took up residence in what can only be described as the stinkiest town I have ever experienced. 

We have found an incredible church family, made friends, are part of a small group, are involved in music, and ministry, and school, and jobs...mine, Jason's, Heather's, Justin's, Leah's...Katherine is the only one who has yet to acquire a job...not for lack of desire. 

This year has been FULL.
January saw me and Katherine driving 12 hours to South Carolina, to spend the next two weeks while my mother was in the hospital, and then driving 12 hours back in a snowstorm.

Cruise pic

February is my birthday month...this year was my 50th, and Jason and I went for a cruise with some friends to Cozumel and Progresso, Mexico.  

Cruise pic

March was the month Jason and I went to Milwaukee, WI, for a weekend workshop for veterans who had been deployed, and visited with friends from our Bible college years who minister in Racine, WI.   

April 17th was the due date for our grandson, though he didn't arrive until the 25th.  Everyone was able to spend some time in Massachusetts, and I was privileged to be there for the birth, and act as doula.  Then Katherine and I drove 16 hours back to Illinois so I could be back at work. 

May is Indy 500 month...Jason and I were able to go for the first time, and he was honored to be included in some of the pre-race hoopla...and apparently ended up on TV.  We also had a visitor for a week, Justin spent a week in Louisiana for his best friend's graduation, and Jason was able to go back to Massachusetts to see the grandson for the first time. 

Meanwhile, Leah and Katherine finished up another school year.  Justin started classes at the local community college and has started the application process for some other schools.  Heather is working as a Manager-in-Training/Co-manager for her store.  Jon is still in Virginia Beach, working 2, or 3, or 4 jobs.  Frances and Nick are adjusting to life with a not-so-little new baby, and Frances is getting ready to go back to work...trying to figure out daycare logistics. 

Still waiting for life to slow down a little...someone please let me know when that happens!!

Jason wearing his Quilt of Valor

Four of the kids together in Massachusetts

Frances and baby boy Charles Judah

Justin went to visit his best
friend in New Orleans

Charles Judah...what a handsome little man!

Charles Judah is 1 month old!

Observations: On moving, and getting settled-in

As a preface, I tell clients that my training is in making observation of patterns of behavior and thought, and drawing educated conclusions from those observations.  That is how I think...I observe patterns. 





The topic of moving is VERY fresh and on my mind, since we are in the settling-in phase of a move.  We are feeling our way around a new area, learning streets, where the good restaurants are, where to grocery shop, finding doctors, and gas stations, and church, and friends.  This is always a mixed bag of sadness, and excitement, and anxiety. 

 From the moment of arrival at the new, empty house, all the way through until the last box is unpacked (HA!!), this process is hard.  We are exhausted from whatever travel we have had to do.  We are all overworked with the packing process, cleaning out the old place, disposing of things that didn't make the cut, and saying farewells to places and people who have been important to us.  We are emotionally wrung-out from everything, and on edge about what the newest adventure will hold. 


We are a military family.  By usual standards, we move a LOT.  In counting back over 26 years, Jason and I have lived in 18 different houses, in 6 states.  We have a lot of experience with what it takes to get through a move.  We may be short with each other, and grumpy, and eat too much pizza, but we survive each and every move. 


In addition to all of the newness of a new state, new service providers, new environs....the hardest is always the making of new friends.  We are ALWAYS the outsiders.  This is harder on some family members than others....the more extroverted family members tend to find it easier to jump in with both feet, seeming to instantly make connections, while others take a while to warm up to and make friends with these new people.  Some areas seem to make it more difficult to make friends...perhaps being less used-to having military families around means that there is less expectation of making quick connections.  As a military family, we KNOW the importance of making connections quickly, both of the networking variety, and of the friendship variety. 

We were sitting around our dining table the other night, talking about expectations, and how challenging it is that our expectations are ALWAYS wrong.  This is something I have struggled with for the entirety of our married life, and applies very aptly to this discussion.  In all of our 18 different locations, I have had expectations based on others' experiences of moving....the proverbial "welcome-to-the-neighborhood cookies/pie/meal".  That has NEVER happened.  NOT ONE TIME.  Never has anyone noticed the moving vans and come to knock on the door to even say "welcome".  NOT ONE TIME. 

Now, I know this is not a universal experience.  I know that there ARE welcoming people, and that those stereotypes/expectations are there for a reason...there ARE places and times that this happens.  It just has not happened for our family.  And that is a challenge for me...because some day, we will no longer be the perpetually-new people on the block, and I can be the one sending over cookies, and inviting the new neighbors for dinner or coffee. 

I genuinely look forward to that day!! 

On house-hunting, educational choices, and discrimination

There is an issue rolling around in my head that is somewhat new to me, and so I am going to try to process this here on paper.  Forgive me if this seems rambly. 

I know there are some of you who will laugh, and say, "Girl, WHERE have you been?!?  This is NOT a new issue!"  Forgive me...this has not been on my radar, AT. ALL.  Though, to be honest, it probably should have.  Just chalk this up to my privilege showing....

I know a LOT of people who try to claim that racism no longer is a major part of this country's makeup, and that discrimination is rare.  I beg to differ.... 

In looking for houses, one big thing to consider, as a parent with children in school, is the quality of the school district, and of the individual schools.  There is a rating system, and it is easy to quickly see how well a school scores because those scores are included on the websites with the houses that are advertised. 

So, we've been looking at houses, and by extension, looking at schools, for the last two months.  And I saw something that really has bothered me.  In the areas of town where the rent is the lowest, and there are a large number of rental homes available, the schools scored the lowest (and by lowest, I mean the worst).  In the area zoned for the "good" schools, there is practically NO rentals available, and even though we are SOLIDLY middle-class, we couldn't afford to buy the homes that were available. 

I KNOW.  Schools get money based on their tax base.  I know that's how they are paid-for.  I get it. 

I just want to know, if there is no classism, no racism, no discrimination, why children from lower-income families don't get the same priority for a quality education as those from homes with higher incomes?  Are their educations less important?  Is there somehow less value to them attaining a good education? 

Methinks there is something rotten in the state of Denmark....

Inside my head (during a PCS move)

"I'm sorry, ma'm.  You have what is known as 'major-move-itis'.  There is no treatment for this.  You just have to ride it out, and hope for the best." 

Every time we move, I feel like I have come down with the worst sickness known to man. 
No one wants to do things with me because I am moving. 
Heck, I don't want to do things with me....I don't like who I am when I am preparing for a move. 
I am anxious...so much to do in so little time. 
I am going to forget something, so I am hyper-focused. 
I beat myself up about how messy the house is. 
I beat myself up about how much stuff has accumulated in the 2.5/3/4/7 years we have been in this place. 
I want to spend all the time with all the people. 
I want to hibernate...sleeping away the time will make it pass more quickly, right?!?
I feverishly try to get all the things done.
I feverishly attempt to avoid doing all the things. 

Internally, it is no better. 
I'm a ball of nerves. 
Emotions well up at the most inopportune times. 
I get overwhelmed easily. 
I show my anxiety as anger, and impatience. 
I have gotten better over the years, but my poor husband used to bear the brunt of my move-emotions. 

This time, we have a forced day off a week before the movers arrive. 
There is a BLIZZARD forecast for tonight.  EVERYTHING will be closed tomorrow.  There is really NOTHING we can do...no going out to return things, or get rid of things.  I mean, I WILL continue washing curtains and boxing them up, and planning what needs to go out next trash day, and trying to sell off 5 window AC units, a dryer, and 39 extra gift bags, among other things...but I can (and WILL) do that from the comfort of my office, in my jammies and warm slippers....with a hot cup of tea. 

Please pray for a smooth-ish transition over the two weeks.... we need it!! 

A tale of two gifts

You never know what it is that people will remember about you, what thing it is that you do that will make their day special. 

One Christmas, more than 30 years ago, a young girl and her mother were given luxurious bathrobes.  To the young girl, this gift was special, showing a recognition of growth, maturing, and love from a family member.  To her mother, who received a robe identical in all but color, the gift was an opportunity to complain. 



Fast forward through teen years, college, the births of 6 children, and 25 years of marriage, and the original robe was MUCH worse for wear. 

When queried about what I would like for Christmas this year, I said I would like a nice robe, which I was given.  The bonus is in the color.... 

To the two family members who blessed me with almost identical bathrobes, 35 years apart, thank you.  Your gifts mean more than you know.... 

Observations

1. I have learned in more than 20 years of observing military families that it is not the act of service that shapes the life of the children of those who serve, but rather the character of the person doing the service.

2. If I come to you acting/feeling needy, it is because I feel like there might be something fundamentally wrong with how I interact with the world.  I don't need judgment.  I need you to reassure me that I am normal and/or show me a more effective way.

3. Socializing by financial strata isolates from some pretty amazing people, and makes you see things through a very small window that blinds you to most of the rest of the world's perspective.

4. There are crappy people at every level.  More money will not make them better people, and less money does not make them worse people.  More money means they have more leverage to hide who they really are at heart, so they can manipulate more readily.

5. People say things as platitudes, but their words mean nothing, and often are more painful to the hearer than to have said nothing at all.  Silence truly is golden.  Or, as my mother used to say, "Better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it."

6.  People are lazy on social media.  Very few research anything.  Most just repost without checking veracity, and often react without thinking through what they have read, not looking at it from any perspective besides their own. 

Change is coming....

There is always news of change, some unexpected, but always change.

It will not be news to anyone that we have been waiting for orders for MONTHS.  Forever is a LONG time to spend in limbo...but flexibility is something we are no strangers to....

And now we actually have news!!  ORDERS!!

And so...

We're doing things....

...and looking for housing... and a job (for me), and figuring out schools, and a church, and doctors, and hair stylists....  

...because we're headed to....  

Can't wait to say "See ya later!" to Massachusetts!! 

Actual dates are not very far in the future...the Navy procrastinated as long as they could, so we will be leaving in early January.  

Stepping up to say ENOUGH

I'm sure most of the US, and for sure a small community in Texas are still reeling from the after-shocks of the shooting that happened almost a week ago.  As I struggle to make sense of the deaths of half of that small country church, I have been reading media accounts, testimonies of family members, of the two community heroes who stopped the gunman, and the background of the man who did this.

This is my attempt to assimilate everything I know so far....

The gunman was dishonorably discharged from the Air Force after being convicted and serving time for domestic abuse of his wife and infant stepson.  The Air Force admits that they neglected to pass along this information to the agencies who should have been alerted, making it possible for him to purchase the guns he used.   (sources: here, here, here)

The details of what he did, and why he did it, and who was killed, and who was injured, and how he was stopped are available all over the internet with only the most cursory search.  Those things are not really what is most concerning to me.

In the wake of this horrific crime, people again are asking "WHY?!?"  Why are white men, in one of the wealthiest countries in the world, doing terrible things to powerless people?

These questions always make me start looking for patterns, which is what I am trained to do.  Patterns of behavior help us figure out why things like this happen, and what can be done to prevent further bloodshed.

Too often, people think there is no tie between the "lone wolf" gunmen across our nation.  "They acted alone" is the report on the news.  While that may be true, there is a disturbing link between most of them that is often overlooked, underreported, and most often completely ignored.  That link is a history of domestic violence.

This gunman abused his wife and stepson.
In Texas, in the last 7 years, there are nine more incidents (at least) where groups of 4 or 5 family members and friends were killed by someone with a history of domestic violence (source).
It doesn't just happen in Texas. 

While perpetrators of domestic violence account for only about 10 percent of all gun violence, they accounted for54 percent of mass shootings between 2009 and 2016, according to the advocacy group Everytown for Gun Safety, so there is a disproportionate link, Webster tells Kodjak. (source). 

 In working with victims of domestic violence, one shocking statistic shows that the most dangerous time for a woman escaping a violent and controlling man is AFTER she has already left the relationship.  THAT is when she is most likely to be killed.  (More statistics at this link).

AND YET...
The typical woman tries to leave a violent relationship SEVEN times before she is successful.
Why don't they leave sooner?
 - - They have been alienated from their friends and family by their abuser.
 - - They are afraid people won't believe them this time.
 - - Fear of retaliation by the abuser.
 - - For Christians, they are often told to stay in the relationship.
 - - Fear of losing their children.
 - - Fear of homelessness.

This is a complicated issue.
Women and children need to be protected.
Violent men need to be redirected, to be stopped from continuing the abuse.
Churches need to know how to respond.


HOW TO RESPOND
This morning, our pastor talked about security for our very large church, and how there is a concerted effort to keep those attending services as safe as possible.  This is a NEEDED response.  But it is NOT enough.

Our church also is affiliated with a ministry to women, providing a safe and confidential resource for women who are in abusive relationships.  This is a NEEDED response.  But it is NOT typical for churches across the country.

This week I posed a question on Facebook, asking my MANY pastor-friends what their policies are for dealing with domestic violence.  I got ONE response...from a female pastor...and NONE from male pastors, though they outnumber female pastors by a large majority.  I want to give the benefit of the doubt, and recognize that they may have been preparing for the weekend's services...but I'd still like to hear from them, at least an acknowledgement that this needs to be on their radar.  Because, as we saw last week, domestic violence unchecked affects us all, even in the church...maybe ESPECIALLY in the church.

A Momentous Occasion...

I have a LOT of thoughts today...

First picture together

How does one celebrate 25 years together? 

1992?

How do you look back and look forward at the same time? 

October 17, 1992

October 17, 1992

We were SO young.
You were 19...yes, I robbed the cradle.  No, I wouldn't have it any other way.
We were so YOUNG. 
The stars in our eyes meant we didn't see the risks everyone else tried to alert us to.

1996? 

They said we wouldn't last. 
Honestly, there were moments I was afraid we wouldn't...
...but, God...

2000

God put us together. 
God kept us together. 
God provided for us. 
God blessed us with an amazing bunch of children.
God taught us, and directed us, and reigned us in. 

2006

I think God probably also has looked at us over the years, and shaken His head, and wondered if we'd ever "get it", like many parents do with their hard-headed children. 

2009

He has seen us through financial difficulties, and marital strife, and drama, and legal problems, and more moves than I care to count.  He has protected us through separations, and accidents, and thousands of miles on questionable roads.  He has educated us, sometimes in classrooms, but more often through His Word and the input of wise people He puts in our paths.

Bahrain, 2011

On this path, we have loved, and laughed, and cried, and yelled, and had hard times, yes.  But we have also had fun, and made amazing memories, and worked together, and grown together, and dreamed together. 

Married Prom, 2013

25 years is a good start.  I look forward to the next 25...I can't wait to see where God takes us and what He has for us!!

September 9, 2017