So long, 2015.

2015 has been a hard year.

I have lost 4 friends and my grandmother, and another friend may not last into the New Year.

It has been a year of relational stress with children.

It has been a year of financial stress, without my finding a job, and living in a place with a MUCH higher cost of living.  

It has been a year of tough transitions, from resort-city living to New England; from knowing where things and people were to being lost; from knowing where I fit to not fitting at all; from homeowners to on-base living; from church leaders to unknowns in a huge church.

It has been a year of disappointments, and sadness, and mourning, and loss.

It has also been a year with a graduation, visits with friends and family, and new friends made.

Here's hoping and praying that 2016 will be the year of restoration, of joy, of encouragement, of healing, of growth, overcoming.

So long, 2015.  I am NOT going to miss you.  Not one bit.

Grieving

Grief is overwhelming some days.

Frankly, I didn't think that I would grieve the loss of my grandmother.

What I didn't realize is that my grief would be centered around the loss of potential relationships with her, and with my parents.

I also did not know that my grief would touch everything I do and am.

It is almost as if having permission to grieve my grandmother has given me permission (finally) to grieve the many other losses in my life.

So, today I grieve the losses of my other three grandparents, who passed away in February, 1999, December, 1999, and June, 2006.  I grieve the loss of my brother, who passed away in 1975, at the age of 5 months.  I grieve the loss of my friends from high school who died far too young.  I grieve the death of my wonderful neighbor who lived a long and full life.  I grieve with my friends who have lost children and grandchildren.

In addition to lives lost, I am also finding myself grieving other losses...potentials, dreams, friendships.  I grieve the losses associated with all of the moves...loss of home, security, friendships, comfort zones, jobs, fun times, church families.

I also mourn the loss of innocence, the death of my naivete.  I grieve the losses I have experienced at the hands of others...as the result of others' sins, poor decisions, or ignorance.

I mourn the death of my dreams for myself, my husband, and my children.  I grieve lost time, which resulted in lost opportunity, lost relationships, and lost potential.

I grieve the losses caused by trauma, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.  I mourn a loss of identity, loss of mental health, and the loss of healthy relational bonds.

I also find myself grieving for national and international losses...lives lost in war, to famine, and disease, and through bondage inflicted by others.

Grief is overwhelming some days.  Today is one of those days.

Help me say goodbye

There is nothing quite as painful as telling a family member goodbye.
Unless it is telling your child goodbye.

In the last six weeks, there have been losses.
Painful ones.
Friends have lost an aunt.
A mother.
A sister.
A daughter.
Among those I consider friends, there have been 4 deaths in those six weeks.

One in her 90s, one in her 40s, one in her 20s, and one only 3 years of age.

To old age, and dementia, and cancer, and drowning.

No matter how a life is lost, someone hurts over the absence of a loved one.

As I have mourned with my friends, so many things have swirled through my head.  I have regrets over things unable to be said.  I have the shared sorrow of a child whose life was cut short.  I have the sadness that accompanies any death attributable to any of the above diseases and accidents.

I also have a hopeful anticipation that I will see each of these beautiful people again...for each claimed the name of Jesus the Christ.  In this I find hope.  Because without that hope, I would be, of all people, most miserable.

For Jean, and Glenda, and Brittany, and Abby...I am looking forward to being reunited!

For the families, the pain is great...I'm praying for you!