An Open Letter to my children

I am sorry that I cannot be the mother you deserve.  

You had no choice the family into which you were born, and the cards were already stacked against our relationship long before you were even a twinkle.  

Though each and every one of you was wanted, and loved, and cared-for, there is so much more I wish I had been able to give you over the intervening years.  

I wish I had the knowledge of HOW to have a good, close relationship with you.  

I wish I could give you the gift of unconditional love.

I wish I knew how to give you the words and knowledge to stand up to a world that doesn't appreciate strong women, and sensitive men.  

I am sorry that my brokenness has had a detrimental effect on our relationships.  

I am sorry that I taught you things I didn't want to pass on, because I didn't know how to do it better. 

I am sorry if how I responded told you things about yourself that just were not true....really, in this case, it is definitely about me, and is in no way your fault.  

I am sorry that my brokenness interfered with my ability to protect you and guide you and love you.  

I told myself many years ago that with God's help I was determined to break the bondage of generations of abuse.  I pray that you are able to go out into life without the brokenness I live with daily.  I pray that God has used the broken pieces that He is putting back together to help you be the men and women He wants you to be.  I pray that you love HIM with all of your hearts, because no matter how much I was unable to do, He is the Perfect Parent...He knows much better than I do what each of you needs, and can provide that much better that I can.  

Please forgive me for not being the mother that you so deserve.  

Grieving

Grief is overwhelming some days.

Frankly, I didn't think that I would grieve the loss of my grandmother.

What I didn't realize is that my grief would be centered around the loss of potential relationships with her, and with my parents.

I also did not know that my grief would touch everything I do and am.

It is almost as if having permission to grieve my grandmother has given me permission (finally) to grieve the many other losses in my life.

So, today I grieve the losses of my other three grandparents, who passed away in February, 1999, December, 1999, and June, 2006.  I grieve the loss of my brother, who passed away in 1975, at the age of 5 months.  I grieve the loss of my friends from high school who died far too young.  I grieve the death of my wonderful neighbor who lived a long and full life.  I grieve with my friends who have lost children and grandchildren.

In addition to lives lost, I am also finding myself grieving other losses...potentials, dreams, friendships.  I grieve the losses associated with all of the moves...loss of home, security, friendships, comfort zones, jobs, fun times, church families.

I also mourn the loss of innocence, the death of my naivete.  I grieve the losses I have experienced at the hands of others...as the result of others' sins, poor decisions, or ignorance.

I mourn the death of my dreams for myself, my husband, and my children.  I grieve lost time, which resulted in lost opportunity, lost relationships, and lost potential.

I grieve the losses caused by trauma, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.  I mourn a loss of identity, loss of mental health, and the loss of healthy relational bonds.

I also find myself grieving for national and international losses...lives lost in war, to famine, and disease, and through bondage inflicted by others.

Grief is overwhelming some days.  Today is one of those days.

Holiday Depression

A week or so ago I posted an article about the holidays and how this season affects people.  Called "PTSD Spirituality: Holidays and the 18% PTSD Danger Zone", it discussed the downside of the holiday season for a large number of people.  The 18% figure refers to the percentage of the year that is counted within the holiday season.  Please take the time to read the article, and understand that this is not something people can just decide to get over, but is rather complex.  

I've been thinking a lot more about this phenomenon.  I have been diagnosed with Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), so seeing how the article intersected with my life has been interesting to me.  (A good explanation of C-PTSD can be found HERE)

As with PTSD, persons with C-PTSD often are seen for depression and anxiety, and it may take a while before a diagnosis of either form of PTSD is made.  Meanwhile, the recurrent nature of depression and anxiety that happen in a person with PTSD is frustrating for both the clinician and for the client.  

It is important to note that the holidays are difficult for anyone currently dealing with depression. Weather can play a big factor in the significance of the depression, given the mediating effect exercise and sunshine have for those who deal with depression.  Additionally, if a person has experienced trauma around the holidays, the chances of having another wave of depression hit are very high.  

Another difficulty with the holiday season is the idea that these are usually "family holidays", and the expectation is that we spend time with family.  This can be difficult for someone with PTSD that has it's source within their family, which in turn creates grief over the loss of family, a deep longing (still!) to be with family, and potentially anger that the family member/members themselves caused this separation from the family, thus creating more isolation for someone who is already depressed.  

Some of the other extenuating circumstances outlined in the above article affect persons with PTSD/C-PTSD in unexpected ways.  The onset of winter and the time change can negatively impact the amount and quality of sleep, which can have a spiraling effect on mental health, especially on depression and anxiety.  In addition, expected gaiety at holiday parties, higher-than-normal levels of drinking, and social interactions can all have negative impact on the person dealing with the depression/anxiety/PTSD/C-PTSD cocktail.  

From Johns Hopkins Medicine

If you are dealing with any of these things, remember to take time for self-care during the holidays.  Pay particular attention to the amount of sleep you are getting.  Excuse yourself from parties and get-togethers, if you have had enough.  If you drink, make sure you do not drink in excess...alcohol is a depressant, so it will exacerbate already present depression.  If you are taking any antidepressants or anti anxiety medications, you should NOT mix alcohol with them.  Pay attention to what you are eating, how much, and when...high fat and high sugar foods (oh-so-popular at this time of year!) can have a negative impact on depression and anxiety.  Get some exercise...15 minutes per day has a very positive effect on alleviating depression.  

What does PTSD look like?

The month of June is PTSD Awareness Month.  PTSD is something most are aware of, on some level, but really don't know what it looks like, fleshed-out, aside from what they seen on TV or in the movies.  I am here to help with a little more personal level of awareness.

This will probably come as a surprise to some people.

I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder a few years ago.

What?  I don't LOOK like I have PTSD?  This begs the question, "What does PTSD ACTUALLY look like?"

I could give you the book-definition (from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision, pg. 463). You can read the actual entry HERE.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder is:

"the development of characteristic symptoms following exposure to an extreme traumatic stressor involving direct personal experience of an event that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury, or other threat to one's physical integrity; or witnessing an event that involves death, injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of another person; or learning about unexpected or violent death, serious harm, or threat of death or injury experienced by a family member or other close associate." 

The "characteristic symptoms" are what people usually identify as PTSD, though there are symptoms that are invisible, and relatively hidden to most people.

The symptoms listed in the DSM-IV-TR include:
1. Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event
2. Recurrent distressing dreams of the event (aka, nightmares)
3. Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring.
4. Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event
5. Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues.

Also, there can be two or more of each of the following:
1. difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
2. irritability or outbursts of anger
3. difficulty concentrating
4. hypervigilence
5. exaggerated startle response

There is more...but we'll stop here for now.  When people think of what PTSD "looks like", they often think in terms of #5 under the symptoms - physiological reactivity - the automatic response to stimuli, learned by our bodies over the course of the trauma.

In reality, my diagnosis falls more along the lines of what is commonly known as "Complicated PTSD", mainly because my "traumatic event" took place over the course of at least 18 years, and affects everything I know about myself, and how I view my life, and others.

So, all of the official stuff aside....

Not funny. Created by my mind trying
to make sense of my pain. 

I have nightmares.  Recurring ones.

I have trouble getting to sleep...yes, I am very much a night owl.

For a LONG time, I flinched every time anyone close to me moved fast.

I don't trust.  Anyone.  You're not singled-out for my lack of trust...believe me.  (this makes life SUPER-difficult.) I trust Jason the most...and my lack of trust drives him bonkers some days.

I have a VERY hard time releasing things.  Things are safe.  People are not.

I have a VERY hard time not over-thinking.  Really, I over-think EVERYTHING.

I have a pretty high wall.  Several of them.  If you think you are close to me, chances are that there is another wall you haven't even seen yet.  I don't think my counselor has seen all of them yet.

I am anxious about most things.  I TRY not to be, but the anxiety is there, whether I want it to be, or not.

I have difficulty concentrating...if there is too much noise, if there are too many people, if there is chaos.

I have issues with irritability and anger and can be a BEAR.  I'm sorry.  I don't like it, either.

People and events that remind me of some of my past experiences tend to trigger more anxiety, anger, depression, hypervigilence, and nightmares.

Again, there is more...but I don't want this to all be negative.

I have lived with this diagnosis for a long time before actually knowing what to call it.
It has been my reality as long as I can remember.
It is how I function.
I don't know life apart from this set of symptoms.

Since the point in time when I began to recognize that my reactions were not normal, I have wanted to change them, and have prayed and worked towards that end.  Thankfully, I am not the person I used to be...God has changed a LOT about me...and He is still in that process of growing and changing me.

Several verses have been a comfort to me as I have worked through the repercussions of my PTSD.

2 Timothy 1:7 YLT
"for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind;" 

Romans 12:2 YLT
"and be not conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, for your proving what is the will of God -- the good, and acceptable, and perfect."

There is HOPE.  God IS transforming my mind with His love, and His Word...I don't have to be stuck in this former way of thinking...I definitely look forward to the transformation being complete!!



*PSA: If you have PTSD, DO NOT google images of nightmares.  DO NOT.