Aliens and Strangers

Lately, Jason and I have been hurting with some friends who are struggling with their relationships as a direct result of separations imposed by the military. While marital difficulties are by no means limited to those in the military, statistics attest that those in the military have a higher rate of divorce.

I talk to military wives all over this country, and hear about multiple, back-to-back year-long (or longer) deployments, and how much they miss their husbands. They talk of making the most of every minute their husbands are home. They testify to children who do not remember their dad when he comes back from being gone for half of their little lives.

Those same wives get very frustrated with their civilian counterparts who are complaining of their husbands going away on a week-long business trip. They get tired of the attempted compliments of "I could never do that" or "I don't know how you do it."

Make no mistake. We did not get married planning to be separated for months on end. We did not plan to raise our children as single-married parents. We have our difficult days (and even weeks).

Yet, somehow, we dig deep and find reserves we never thought we had...and probably only have developed since entering this lifestyle. We make friends quickly at each new duty station (and probably frighten some of our non-military friends with the intensity of the need for those friendships to grow quickly). We find new churches and dig in deep, quickly, because we highly value our extended family in the local church. We KNOW where our strength comes from, and will do what it takes to stay plugged into our power source.

Yes, we know we are different from the mainstream of American life. We thrive in our own circles. But, please recognize that we are not super-human. We have our faults and weaknesses. We are going to have our down days. Please allow us those. And PLEASE, support us when we are trying above all else to hold our relationships together. Long-distance relationships are never easy. Long-distance relationships with the added stress of war and trying to maintain day-to-day life are immensely harder.

• Please do NOT suggest that we divorce him, since he's never home anyway.
• Please do NOT ask why he doesn't get a job where he can stay home. He has a good job that he loves (for the most part).
• Please recognize that when he is sent somewhere, he does not usually have the option to tell his superiors "no"....not that he really wants to, anyway.
• Please remember that we are also human and need a shoulder to cry on some days.
• Please recognize that we are individuals, and as such have our own opinions about politics, the military, and life in general...though we may not share them with you.
  

If you want to be supportive of your friends, family and acquaintances who are in the military, or are married to someone in the military, be a friend. Recognize the differences. Be supportive when things are hard. Be available. Make a little effort to learn what their life is like. Invite them for dinner...they usually do not have family close by, and would relish the opportunity to get to know you. Chances are they will be some of the most loyal friends you will ever meet. And if not, at least you will have expanded your view of the world and blessed a military family.

Who knows but what you will entertain angels...we certainly already feel like strangers.

Mother's Day Leftovers

I have a VERY hard time every year with Mother's Day.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE being a mother. I love my own mother. I love my mother-in-law.

For a lot of years I had a very poor relationship with my mother. I have posted about it before. It HAS gotten better, but I don't have any sticky-sweet stories to tell about our relationship. Very little of it was sweet and a lot of it was sticky...

So, every year in the aftermath of any major or minor holiday, I get a bit depressed. I grieve the relationship I have never had with my mother. I miss the mother-daughter times we've never enjoyed.

I have a different relationship with my children, especially with my daughters. I know that things may change as more of them become teenagers. But for now, I have a close relationship with them. I hope to maintain that. I hope the pain of my relationship with my mother helps my daughters and I build and maintain a better relationship...