Most of the time I HATE Mother's Day.
All of my friends are posting these glowing tributes to their amazing mothers.
I'm jealous.
They change their profiles to pictures of themselves with their mothers, or just pictures of good ol' Mom.
I never...
They speak of Mother's Day plans, and Mother's Day gifts....
I DO love my mother.
I love my mother the way every abused child loves the parent that abused them.
There is conflict.
The sadness overwhelms me.
I always wanted a good relationship with my mom.
At one point I thought I had a good relationship with her.
And then I started learning what healthy, good parent-child relationships looked like.
And all of the years came crashing back around me.
The abuse.
The control.
The manipulation.
The deception.
Because I was the child, and she was the mother, and I didn't know any better...
I thought that was how I was supposed to be parented.
And now I mourn.
I mourn for the relationship I thought I had.
I mourn for the mother she could never be to me.
I mourn for the mother I wish I had.
I mourn for the relationship my children cannot have with her.
I mourn that she is not healthy.
I mourn that her refusal to care for herself means that on her "bad" days she is nice, and on her "good" days, she is the same negative, sad person I remember.
I mourn that I will never have a chance to have a good relationship with my mother.
And yet.
These are things which cannot be spoken.
Obviously, in the eyes and minds of many, I must have done something terribly wrong for our relationship to be so broken.
When I DO say something, no one knows how to respond, so they don't...and conversation continues as if I said nothing.
When I DO say something, I get told I need to reconcile. Which reconciliation requires the participation of two willing parties, who both acknowledge their own part in the problem. And this will never happen.
When I DO say something, I get told to forgive her. I have. 100-thousand times.
So, I get the message that no one wants to hear that a mother could hurt her children. That my words and my memories are wrong, because no one saw the horror of how I lived. That I am not supposed to tell, because to tell is to tear down the image of motherhood...the one she worked so hard to perpetuate, so that no one outside the family knew the truth.
More than 35 years since life descended into a hell no child should ever have to endure, people still cannot fathom why I hate a holiday that stirs up the painful memories.
And yet.
I have 6 amazing children.
And an absolutely wonderful husband.
They love me.
They heap me with praises, and flowers, and jewelry, and so much love.
They love to show me that they care...and they all do a great job of it.
And some of them need the reminder of a set-aside holiday.
So, while some of me is in conflict, some of me also is grateful for the love my husband and children show me on this holiday I hate.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Life on the Move, and Finding a Church
As a military family, we have moved a LOT.
"Home" is in South Carolina.
That's where our families are.
That is where we were married and lived for the first 8 years of our marriage.
That is where 2/3 of our children were born.
But then, the Navy...yes, Jason IS a reservist. AND he is active duty. Welcome to my confusing life.
And "A" school in Meridian, MS (The kids and I were still in SC).
And two homes in Portland, TX...because we added another child!
And two homes in Helena, MT...because we added another child!
And two homes in Virginia Beach, VA...because we bought a house!
And ONE home in Bedford/Lincoln/Lexington, MA.
Of course, prior to Jason going active duty in the Navy, we moved a LOT, also.
We were in a trailer in Gaston, SC for a couple of months...
...stayed with Jason's parents in SC for a month or two...
...an apartment in Columbia, SC for a couple of months...
...9 months renting a house in Due West, SC...
...6 weeks house-sitting...
...about a year in a make-shift house outside of Columbia...
...about 2 years in a duplex in Columbia...
...about 2 years in a trailer outside of Columbia...
...about 3 years in the house we built in Gilbert, SC...
...and six months at my brother's house in Edgefield, SC.
That is a total of 17 different places our family has lived in 22 years of marriage.
All of that moving has meant that we have had a LOT of neighbors (howdy, good neighbor!), and been part of a number of churches...and have many friends from all of them.
West Columbia Evangelical (now named Augusta Street Church) was home for 7 years.
Calvary Chapel of Greenwood, SC was where we attended for the time we lived in Due West, SC.
In Texas, we went to Calvary Chapel Coastlands for about a year, and then to New Community Church in Portland for the remainder of our time in TX.
In Montana, we were happy to quickly find Hannaford Bible Church, and attended there for all of the 4 1/2 years we lived there.
In Virginia Beach, we were part of Reality Church for 7 years, and then at Tabernacle Church in Norfolk, VA for a year.
Now we are part of Grace Chapel, in Lexington, MA.
Even though we have been far from our biological family, God has provided His family for us in many different places, and during some very difficult years, and we are grateful.
If there is one thing I would tell any nomadic family (be it military, missionary, or otherwise), I would STRONGLY urge you to find a good church family. That family will be who walks with you through transitions, and who provides support and encouragement during those times when your family-of-origin cannot be with you.
Of course, finding a church family that feels like home is not always easy. Different areas of the country have different expectations and cultures within their churches, and you may have difficulty finding a church that fits your family, or that fits your expectations of how church is "supposed to" look.
A few tips on finding a church in a new area:
1. Pray. Ask God to guide you to where He wants you to be.
2. List. Make a list of what you need to have in a church. Theology? Affiliation with a particular denomination? Programs for kids? A good choir? Men's/Women's ministry?
3. Pray some more.
4. Google. Using your list, go find websites for churches in your area. Look at their "What We Believe" section, the programs they offer, who they are affiliated with.
5. Pray over the churches you find that fit your criteria.
6. Visit the churches...plan to attend each church for at least two Sundays, and as many other meetings as you can get to during that time period.
7. Pray some more...keep asking God for His guidance.
If you find a church that feels/seems right, visit it for another couple of weeks to months, making sure that it is the right place for you. Plug into small groups, get involved in learning about the way this body of believers does life together, make connections with people. A good church is not just about theology and programs...a good church provides a place for people to connect with God and with each other.
That's where our families are.
That is where we were married and lived for the first 8 years of our marriage.
That is where 2/3 of our children were born.
But then, the Navy...yes, Jason IS a reservist. AND he is active duty. Welcome to my confusing life. And "A" school in Meridian, MS (The kids and I were still in SC).
And two homes in Portland, TX...because we added another child!
And two homes in Helena, MT...because we added another child!
And two homes in Virginia Beach, VA...because we bought a house!
And ONE home in Bedford/Lincoln/Lexington, MA.Of course, prior to Jason going active duty in the Navy, we moved a LOT, also.
We were in a trailer in Gaston, SC for a couple of months...
...stayed with Jason's parents in SC for a month or two...
...an apartment in Columbia, SC for a couple of months...
...9 months renting a house in Due West, SC...
...6 weeks house-sitting...
...about a year in a make-shift house outside of Columbia...
...about 2 years in a duplex in Columbia...
...about 2 years in a trailer outside of Columbia...
...about 3 years in the house we built in Gilbert, SC...
...and six months at my brother's house in Edgefield, SC.
That is a total of 17 different places our family has lived in 22 years of marriage.
All of that moving has meant that we have had a LOT of neighbors (howdy, good neighbor!), and been part of a number of churches...and have many friends from all of them.
West Columbia Evangelical (now named Augusta Street Church) was home for 7 years.
Calvary Chapel of Greenwood, SC was where we attended for the time we lived in Due West, SC.
In Texas, we went to Calvary Chapel Coastlands for about a year, and then to New Community Church in Portland for the remainder of our time in TX.
In Montana, we were happy to quickly find Hannaford Bible Church, and attended there for all of the 4 1/2 years we lived there.
In Virginia Beach, we were part of Reality Church for 7 years, and then at Tabernacle Church in Norfolk, VA for a year.
Now we are part of Grace Chapel, in Lexington, MA.
Even though we have been far from our biological family, God has provided His family for us in many different places, and during some very difficult years, and we are grateful.
If there is one thing I would tell any nomadic family (be it military, missionary, or otherwise), I would STRONGLY urge you to find a good church family. That family will be who walks with you through transitions, and who provides support and encouragement during those times when your family-of-origin cannot be with you.
Of course, finding a church family that feels like home is not always easy. Different areas of the country have different expectations and cultures within their churches, and you may have difficulty finding a church that fits your family, or that fits your expectations of how church is "supposed to" look.
A few tips on finding a church in a new area:
1. Pray. Ask God to guide you to where He wants you to be.
7. Pray some more...keep asking God for His guidance.
If you find a church that feels/seems right, visit it for another couple of weeks to months, making sure that it is the right place for you. Plug into small groups, get involved in learning about the way this body of believers does life together, make connections with people. A good church is not just about theology and programs...a good church provides a place for people to connect with God and with each other.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Book ideas, please
If I were to write a book, where do YOU think I should start? 1) My life-story
2) A book on Emotional Wellness/Psychological Wellness from a Christian perspective
3) A book on living a Christian life as a military family
4) Other (please make a suggestion)
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Catch-up Time
Apparently I'm really bad at keeping this blog updated any more.
It's now 2015.
We are living in Massachusetts.
Jason works in New Hampshire.
Frances is in a Junior in college in South Carolina.
Jon is a Senior in high school in Virginia.
Heather is a Junior in high school in Massachusetts.
Leah is in 7th grade.
Katherine is in 5th grade.
Jason finished his fourth Masters degree...and started yet another.
We have been here for 4 1/2 months.
We survived the "Storm of the Century"...which this winter meant that we saw more than 100 inches of snowfall here.
So, a few highlights and details since I last posted:
Without going into a lot of detail, while Jason was in Korea, the two older girls and I had to testify in a trial in May, 2014, and again in July. The person was sentenced in October, 2014, and it was a HUGE relief to have that off of our plates. In November, our good friend Jimmy Sadler came through and did pictures for us again...all of the pictures in this post are from that day. We LOVE Jimmy's work...there are pictures of his all over our house!!
God sold our house. We put it on the market over Thanksgiving, while we were visiting family in South Carolina. The VERY FIRST family who looked at it offered us full-price, and we closed on February 20th. That full-price offer was still WELL below what we owed, so we had to get bank approval of the short-sale...which happened without a hitch, thanks to the amazing team at Chantel Ray Real Estate in Virginia Beach. Jordan Hoskins was a WONDERFUL agent to work with!!
In early December, Jon decided that he would NOT be moving with us. He found a place to stay, and has maintained great grades, held down two jobs, bought himself a car, got insurance, and a phone. He has also been accepted to at least one of the schools to which he applied. Jason and I will be getting to see him for Graduation in June!! 
We all thought we would be in Virginia for a bit longer, but God had other plans. For now, we are learning about living in Massachusetts, making new friends, and getting involved at our new church. God knows what our future holds...how long will we be here?
Monday, November 24, 2014
Defense or Division?
I watch Facebook sadly, seeing GOOD Christian people do things that we shouldn't do.
I see anger, and malice, and greed, and wonder what happened to attempting to live Godly and temperate lives.
Oh, the anger I see is not always bad.
No, there is anger at sin, and anger at injustice.
But, there is also anger at inconvenience, and perceptions of injustice, and differences of opinion.
The malice I see is often directed at other GOOD people...people whose opinions are different, whose backgrounds are different, whose life-experiences are different.
I see greed.
It doesn't appear, at first glance, to be greed.
But when the desire for more (time, money, stuff...) is repeated day after day after day, and week after week, and year after year, it is obviously that we are not content with the good God has given us, but are greedy for more and more and more...more stuff, more time, more money.
Our pastor just finished an excellent series on Money, called "Money Matters" (you can go listen to it here). One of the first things he covered was being content. Did you know that discontentment can lead to sickness, fiscal difficulties, marital problems, and emotional illness? The secret to contentment involves recognizing the true source of our money/stuff/blessings, and enjoying what God has already blessed us with (Phil. 4:12; Eccl. 6:9).
And then there is anger. In some instances, anger is not bad. In fact, Paul says in Ephesians, "In your anger do not sin," (Eph. 4:26), recognizing that it is possible to be angry and NOT to sin. Most of us, however, would admit that we are not at that point with our anger. Most of the time, our anger revolves around ourselves, inconveniences, selfishness, impatience, and discontent. When there is "righteous anger" expressed, often it is expressed in such a way that it is not heard, whether because it is being expressed too vehemently, or in a way that is belittling of the other parties.
This is where the malice comes in. From Dictionary.com, the meaning of MALICE:
noun
Most days I love reading through my Facebook timeline, because I can catch up with friends. I can see where there are needs, and I know to pray for them. I love being able to see how families are growing, and what work God is doing in each of our lives.
Conversely, it makes me sad to see God's people complaining about superficial and unnecessary things, putting political things on an equal footing with the things of God, and treating our God-family in a manner completely unworthy of the name by which we are called.
So what is the solution? How do we stop posting things on Facebook that are unbecoming to a child of God? I would like to propose several steps:
1. Evaluate our attitudes.
This is not always easy. Evaluation of my attitude is sometimes rather painful. But this is a necessary step to seeing WHY I am responding or posting in certain ways. Am I just grumpy in general? Is there something that ALWAYS triggers this response from me? Why does it trigger a negative response? Am I hungry? Did I just have a fight with my husband, or a run-in with my teenager? Did I get enough sleep last night? Each of these things can have a huge impact on my attitudes towards others.
2. Take your time.
There is no rush to post anything, to tell the world what you think about a particular subject, to pass on the latest, greatest commentary on whatever the hot topic of the day happens to be. If you simply MUST post something, post without comment or personal commentary, thus allowing the article to speak for itself. Another good rule of thumb is to hold off for 24 hours. Give yourself time to cool down, and time to evaluate your attitude about the subject. If, after 24 hours have passed, you still have something that needs to be said, then post it.
3. Think about who we are trying to please.
Every time we write something, or post something to Facebook, we have a particular audience in mind. We probably do not think about that every time, but there is usually at least the thought that someone will read and "like" our post. We are trying to please our readers. But Who, ultimately, are we trying to please? As one who attempts to be worthy of the Name she bears, I try to think through whether God would be pleased with what I am posting. Am I being self-serving? Am I being vengeful? Am I writing for the ever-increasing numbers of "likes"? Do I want my "friends" to like me, or do I want to hear the ultimate "Well done"? Additionally, if I am posting something angry, malicious, or selfish, am I being a faithful witness to what God has done in my life? Will my writings and postings ultimately be a good picture of the change that has been wrought in me, or will I reinforce the negative stereotypes many have of those of us who follow God?
I hope I have not come across in a preachy manner. It hurts me to see people who call themselves by God's name write and speak in ways that ultimately hurt that Name that they love.
I see anger, and malice, and greed, and wonder what happened to attempting to live Godly and temperate lives.
Oh, the anger I see is not always bad.
No, there is anger at sin, and anger at injustice.
But, there is also anger at inconvenience, and perceptions of injustice, and differences of opinion.
The malice I see is often directed at other GOOD people...people whose opinions are different, whose backgrounds are different, whose life-experiences are different.
I see greed.
It doesn't appear, at first glance, to be greed.
But when the desire for more (time, money, stuff...) is repeated day after day after day, and week after week, and year after year, it is obviously that we are not content with the good God has given us, but are greedy for more and more and more...more stuff, more time, more money.
Our pastor just finished an excellent series on Money, called "Money Matters" (you can go listen to it here). One of the first things he covered was being content. Did you know that discontentment can lead to sickness, fiscal difficulties, marital problems, and emotional illness? The secret to contentment involves recognizing the true source of our money/stuff/blessings, and enjoying what God has already blessed us with (Phil. 4:12; Eccl. 6:9).
And then there is anger. In some instances, anger is not bad. In fact, Paul says in Ephesians, "In your anger do not sin," (Eph. 4:26), recognizing that it is possible to be angry and NOT to sin. Most of us, however, would admit that we are not at that point with our anger. Most of the time, our anger revolves around ourselves, inconveniences, selfishness, impatience, and discontent. When there is "righteous anger" expressed, often it is expressed in such a way that it is not heard, whether because it is being expressed too vehemently, or in a way that is belittling of the other parties.
This is where the malice comes in. From Dictionary.com, the meaning of MALICE:
1.
desire to inflict injury, harm, or suffering on another, either because of a hostile
impulse or out of deep-seated meanness:
the malice and spite of a lifelong enemy.
2.
I am quite sure that most people do not think that their responses to others are malicious. However, when people are angry, we tend to respond in ways designed to make others hurt. This can be in the form of belittling, name-calling, calling peoples' motives into question, and intentionally being disrespectful of their thoughts, opinions, and feelings. Paul talks about this in Ephesians, when he says, "Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." (Eph. 4:29, NLT)
Law. evil intent on the part of a person who commits a wrongful act injurious to
others.
Most days I love reading through my Facebook timeline, because I can catch up with friends. I can see where there are needs, and I know to pray for them. I love being able to see how families are growing, and what work God is doing in each of our lives.
Conversely, it makes me sad to see God's people complaining about superficial and unnecessary things, putting political things on an equal footing with the things of God, and treating our God-family in a manner completely unworthy of the name by which we are called.
So what is the solution? How do we stop posting things on Facebook that are unbecoming to a child of God? I would like to propose several steps:
1. Evaluate our attitudes.
This is not always easy. Evaluation of my attitude is sometimes rather painful. But this is a necessary step to seeing WHY I am responding or posting in certain ways. Am I just grumpy in general? Is there something that ALWAYS triggers this response from me? Why does it trigger a negative response? Am I hungry? Did I just have a fight with my husband, or a run-in with my teenager? Did I get enough sleep last night? Each of these things can have a huge impact on my attitudes towards others.
2. Take your time.
There is no rush to post anything, to tell the world what you think about a particular subject, to pass on the latest, greatest commentary on whatever the hot topic of the day happens to be. If you simply MUST post something, post without comment or personal commentary, thus allowing the article to speak for itself. Another good rule of thumb is to hold off for 24 hours. Give yourself time to cool down, and time to evaluate your attitude about the subject. If, after 24 hours have passed, you still have something that needs to be said, then post it.
3. Think about who we are trying to please.
Every time we write something, or post something to Facebook, we have a particular audience in mind. We probably do not think about that every time, but there is usually at least the thought that someone will read and "like" our post. We are trying to please our readers. But Who, ultimately, are we trying to please? As one who attempts to be worthy of the Name she bears, I try to think through whether God would be pleased with what I am posting. Am I being self-serving? Am I being vengeful? Am I writing for the ever-increasing numbers of "likes"? Do I want my "friends" to like me, or do I want to hear the ultimate "Well done"? Additionally, if I am posting something angry, malicious, or selfish, am I being a faithful witness to what God has done in my life? Will my writings and postings ultimately be a good picture of the change that has been wrought in me, or will I reinforce the negative stereotypes many have of those of us who follow God?
I hope I have not come across in a preachy manner. It hurts me to see people who call themselves by God's name write and speak in ways that ultimately hurt that Name that they love.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
He's HOME!!
Today I was able to pull off the biggest surprise I have ever been able to manage.
I was able to surprise 5 of my six children. (There are videos from 2 of them...sometime I'll get around to retrieving them from devices.)
Last night (actually this morning) at 1:45 am, I picked Jason up from the AMC Terminal in Norfolk, and brought him home.
Our eldest was home from college with a friend, and was still awake talking, so he got to surprise her before we went to sleep.
This morning, he surprised the youngest when she got up.
A little later, the two boys came home from the Scout event, and he got to see them.
After taking the eldest out for a Daddy-Daughter date (sushi!), he and I went to surprise #3 child at the Scout event, and then headed out to meet and surprise the final child.
There were tears, and laughter, and lots of happy smiles.
Everyone is OVERJOYED that Dad is home...
And now we can SLEEP!!
Last night (actually this morning) at 1:45 am, I picked Jason up from the AMC Terminal in Norfolk, and brought him home.
Our eldest was home from college with a friend, and was still awake talking, so he got to surprise her before we went to sleep.
This morning, he surprised the youngest when she got up.
A little later, the two boys came home from the Scout event, and he got to see them.
After taking the eldest out for a Daddy-Daughter date (sushi!), he and I went to surprise #3 child at the Scout event, and then headed out to meet and surprise the final child.
There were tears, and laughter, and lots of happy smiles.
Everyone is OVERJOYED that Dad is home...
And now we can SLEEP!!
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Help me, PLEASE?!?
I have a hard time asking for help.
I would venture to say that it is PAINFUL to admit that I can't handle things, and need someone else to help me.
I have these ideas in my head that the act of admitting my need means that I am not doing what I am supposed to do. There is this voice that says that a good mom should be able to take whatever amount of activities her children need to her to be available for. There is the squawking voice that tells me I'm not fulfilling what my husband needs if I for some reason or another am not able to keep a perfect house, attend to my childrens' every need, attend to my husband's every need, have a fulfilling career, have my yard in perfect order, and my house immaculate, and my clothing of the highest fashion, and exercise every day, and have the perfect body, and have hair that behaves itself even on high-humidity days.
Frankly, I KNOW these voices are the voices of the crazy...and I will be joining in the crazy if I even attempt to do it all.
I cannot do it all.
I am only one person.
One person with six children, a husband, a dog, a baby-stepping career, a house that needs to be prepped to be sold, a yard that needs to be mowed and trimmed, and trees that need attention, a body that is in DIRE need of a haircut, and to work out, two cars that need to be washed, a motorcycle that needs to be started, papers that need to be sorted, and put away and shredded, and junk that needs to be sold, or donated, or junked.
In other words, I NEED HELP.
So, if you are in the area, and have some free time, and endless energy, I would WELCOME your company.
I might even be able to supply the coffee.
I would venture to say that it is PAINFUL to admit that I can't handle things, and need someone else to help me.
I have these ideas in my head that the act of admitting my need means that I am not doing what I am supposed to do. There is this voice that says that a good mom should be able to take whatever amount of activities her children need to her to be available for. There is the squawking voice that tells me I'm not fulfilling what my husband needs if I for some reason or another am not able to keep a perfect house, attend to my childrens' every need, attend to my husband's every need, have a fulfilling career, have my yard in perfect order, and my house immaculate, and my clothing of the highest fashion, and exercise every day, and have the perfect body, and have hair that behaves itself even on high-humidity days.
Frankly, I KNOW these voices are the voices of the crazy...and I will be joining in the crazy if I even attempt to do it all.
I cannot do it all.
I am only one person.
One person with six children, a husband, a dog, a baby-stepping career, a house that needs to be prepped to be sold, a yard that needs to be mowed and trimmed, and trees that need attention, a body that is in DIRE need of a haircut, and to work out, two cars that need to be washed, a motorcycle that needs to be started, papers that need to be sorted, and put away and shredded, and junk that needs to be sold, or donated, or junked.
In other words, I NEED HELP.
So, if you are in the area, and have some free time, and endless energy, I would WELCOME your company.
I might even be able to supply the coffee.
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