Things I Wish I had Known Before I Had Children

I love my kids.  Never doubt that.

Photo credits to Jimmy Sadler

There ARE times when I fantasize about what life would be like in a smaller, less-hectic household.  Those are the times when I think of the things I *SHOULD HAVE* thought through prior to having children.

• Not getting enough sleep.  EVER. AGAIN.  Because those babies want to eat...all.the.time.  And those toddlers will be up at ungodly hours in the morning, after keeping you up all night long barfing.  And the middle schoolers and high schoolers have activities in the evening, and then have to be up again in the morning.  Early.  To get on the bus, or be driven to school (and God-forbid I drive them in my PJs!).  And jobs.  And middle-of-the-night phone calls from college.  And by that point, my body is just in the habit of *not* sleeping, so of course now that I *might* be able to sleep in...I can't.  
• Cooking.  All.The.Time.  For some reason they insist on eating three meals per day every day...multiply that times approximately 30 years, and I will have cooked WAY more than I ever thought possible by the time they all graduate to doing all of their own cooking.  
• Laundry.  Multiply 13 loads per week, at least, times 52 weeks per year, times at least 20 years. 
• Heartache.  Everyone gets sucked in by the mesmerizing baby-scent.  And you love that baby...and then it grows up.  Or doesn't.  And there is the heartache of childhood illness, and mistreatment in school by bullies, or teachers who don't understand, or lack of financial resources, and the child's broken heart over that first or second or third romantic interest...and for some reason no one ever explained that the heartaches just got bigger as the child grew more independent, or that the young adult years would be harder than all of the baby and toddler years combined.

The joy of having a large family, and the love that is multiplied is amazing, and I wouldn't trade it for anything...But is there someone I can complain to about that whole "informed consent" thing?  I REALLY didn't know what I was getting into here!! 

What does PTSD look like?

The month of June is PTSD Awareness Month.  PTSD is something most are aware of, on some level, but really don't know what it looks like, fleshed-out, aside from what they seen on TV or in the movies.  I am here to help with a little more personal level of awareness.

This will probably come as a surprise to some people.

I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder a few years ago.

What?  I don't LOOK like I have PTSD?  This begs the question, "What does PTSD ACTUALLY look like?"

I could give you the book-definition (from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision, pg. 463). You can read the actual entry HERE.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder is:

"the development of characteristic symptoms following exposure to an extreme traumatic stressor involving direct personal experience of an event that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury, or other threat to one's physical integrity; or witnessing an event that involves death, injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of another person; or learning about unexpected or violent death, serious harm, or threat of death or injury experienced by a family member or other close associate." 

The "characteristic symptoms" are what people usually identify as PTSD, though there are symptoms that are invisible, and relatively hidden to most people.

The symptoms listed in the DSM-IV-TR include:
1. Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event
2. Recurrent distressing dreams of the event (aka, nightmares)
3. Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring.
4. Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event
5. Physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues.

Also, there can be two or more of each of the following:
1. difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
2. irritability or outbursts of anger
3. difficulty concentrating
4. hypervigilence
5. exaggerated startle response

There is more...but we'll stop here for now.  When people think of what PTSD "looks like", they often think in terms of #5 under the symptoms - physiological reactivity - the automatic response to stimuli, learned by our bodies over the course of the trauma.

In reality, my diagnosis falls more along the lines of what is commonly known as "Complicated PTSD", mainly because my "traumatic event" took place over the course of at least 18 years, and affects everything I know about myself, and how I view my life, and others.

So, all of the official stuff aside....

Not funny. Created by my mind trying
to make sense of my pain. 

I have nightmares.  Recurring ones.

I have trouble getting to sleep...yes, I am very much a night owl.

For a LONG time, I flinched every time anyone close to me moved fast.

I don't trust.  Anyone.  You're not singled-out for my lack of trust...believe me.  (this makes life SUPER-difficult.) I trust Jason the most...and my lack of trust drives him bonkers some days.

I have a VERY hard time releasing things.  Things are safe.  People are not.

I have a VERY hard time not over-thinking.  Really, I over-think EVERYTHING.

I have a pretty high wall.  Several of them.  If you think you are close to me, chances are that there is another wall you haven't even seen yet.  I don't think my counselor has seen all of them yet.

I am anxious about most things.  I TRY not to be, but the anxiety is there, whether I want it to be, or not.

I have difficulty concentrating...if there is too much noise, if there are too many people, if there is chaos.

I have issues with irritability and anger and can be a BEAR.  I'm sorry.  I don't like it, either.

People and events that remind me of some of my past experiences tend to trigger more anxiety, anger, depression, hypervigilence, and nightmares.

Again, there is more...but I don't want this to all be negative.

I have lived with this diagnosis for a long time before actually knowing what to call it.
It has been my reality as long as I can remember.
It is how I function.
I don't know life apart from this set of symptoms.

Since the point in time when I began to recognize that my reactions were not normal, I have wanted to change them, and have prayed and worked towards that end.  Thankfully, I am not the person I used to be...God has changed a LOT about me...and He is still in that process of growing and changing me.

Several verses have been a comfort to me as I have worked through the repercussions of my PTSD.

2 Timothy 1:7 YLT
"for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind;" 

Romans 12:2 YLT
"and be not conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, for your proving what is the will of God -- the good, and acceptable, and perfect."

There is HOPE.  God IS transforming my mind with His love, and His Word...I don't have to be stuck in this former way of thinking...I definitely look forward to the transformation being complete!!



*PSA: If you have PTSD, DO NOT google images of nightmares.  DO NOT.

Exhaustion. (AKA, the honest truth about this deployment)

I'm exhausted. 

I think that deployments do this to us. 

Many of us tend to take on the "I'm strong, and I am going to *beat* this deployment into submission" line. 

Somewhere down the line, some later than others, we get to the point where we just can't do it any more. 

We are physically exhausted trying to keep up with eleventy-dozen activities that the kids are in, and work, and keeping the house spotless, and the lawn mowed, and the pets to the vets, and the kids to the doctors...never mind back-to-school shopping. 

Oh, and God-forbid we miss a phone call or Skype date. 

So we don't sleep...because the kids are up early, and the husband is in a totally different time zone that sleeps when I'm awake, and so when I need to go to bed, he's available to talk, or play Scrabble, or fuss at me for not getting to the bank early enough....or (you'll love this!)...for not sleeping enough!

Then our bodies just can't handle the stress any more, because stress is E.X.H.A.U.S.T.I.N.G. 

And let's face it, having our best friend in that other place, the one that might or might not be dangerous, but he's not HERE to help, to give us a break from the kids, to take over the car maintenance, and get someone to take care of the huge branch that just missed the house when it broke, or just to have his shoulder to cry one...yeah, all of that...it's stressful. 

So we're already physically exhausted because we're trying to DO it all, by ourselves. 

And we're mentally exhausted, trying to cover all of the bases with the kids (they're KIDS, they don't understand), and the parents/inlaws (who may or may not understand, but generally aren't close-by to help out with the day-to-day stuff), and the schools, and the DMV, and the bill collectors, and the neighbors, and...and...and you get the picture.

You get the picture.  We're trying to hold the world together with spit and Duct tape. 

Meanwhile, we are falling apart. 

How do we prevent this falling-apart from happening? 

We know that our friends *promised* to help out. 
Yeah, we know you're busy, too. 
Meanwhile, I just need someone - ANYONE - to take my daughter driving to get her behind-the-wheel hours in.
Oh, mowing the lawn.  I know my teenager is supposed to do it, and he tries, but he doesn't know how to fix the weedeater...and he's in band camp...
Oh, and that branch?  The big pieces that got cut out of the tree are still sitting back there waiting to be cut into usable logs. 

We've all heard the stories - so heartwarming - of neighbors pitching in to help when the husband is deployed. 
We say we want to support our troops. 
But where the rubber meets the road...yeah, maybe there is a reason that the suicide rate for the families at home is on the rise.  Maybe there is a reason that more and more spouses are on medications to help them deal with life...

Most days are good. 
Most days I *can* get things done. 
My house is presentable...not spotless...but then, there ARE 7 of us living here...I'm happy with presentable.
Everyone gets fed.
Everyone has a roof over their heads.
The homework gets done. 
The laundry gets washed, and folded, and put away. 

There's just this list...the one that is going to have to wait, because I am only one person, and can NOT fill the shoes of my husband while he is gone.  Those are really big shoes...and I eagerly anticipate his being here to fill them again.

Meanwhile, life is going to get quite a bit crazy again here very shortly. 
School starts in 20 days for the kids.
Back-to-school shopping still needs to happen.
School starts for ME in less than a week. 
I need to shop for THAT, too. 
I DO work from home...that still needs to happen. 
I have two kids in band camp this week...backing-and-forthing....
I have to drive up to pick up the other four from Operation Purple camp this weekend. 
Grocery shopping.
Doctor's appointments. 
Getting yet another line added to the cell phone account.

Somehow people keep asking me to be involved in things. 
Really good things 
Band boosters.
PTAs.
This, that, and the other thing at the *5* schools the kids will be in this year.

I can't. 
I am only one.
And somewhere in this mess that is my life, I HAVE TO take care of ME. 

Which starts with SLEEP...

...working to beat back the exhaustion that threatens to destroy me....
Goodnight all!

My brain is coming back!!

I am SO excited. I used to write, and paint, and sew, and decorate, and pretty much had creativity oozing out of every pore.

Then I had kids.

My brain abandoned me. I guess it was feeling a little abandoned..what with interuptions, and no sleep, and other inconveniences that go with having a bunch of children in a short period of time (wow...okay, so that's the first time I've EVER considered 10 years a *short* period of time!!).

Now my "baby" is almost SIX years old. My oldest two could probably run the house without me (that's my goal, anyway...). Yes, I'm busy, but in a controlled, more sleep, less chaos kind of way. I'm kinda diggin' it!

And I have discovered my brain again! It was there all along, just drugged-feeling from years of no sleep and the hectic-ness of life with small children.

I am SO happy to have my brain back! Now maybe I can get on with that book that's been brewing in the back of my head...or the poetry, or sewing, or web design....oh, where to start?!?

Life is Crazy

Today I'm fighting to stay awake...if I didn't know better, I'd think I was pregnant and suffering through those days of excessive sleepiness.

Frances had a good weekend with the marching band...more 1st place awards, a lost piece of a piccolo, and a lost flute...fortunately the flute was found at the school this morning. AND a VERY late night on Saturday.

Progress reports came home today. Everyone is doing fairly well. At least we have proof that we're doing okay...everyone is still alive, still making it to classes on time, and still doing well in school.

My mouth still hurts. I am having a hard time concentrating...who knew that pain was so distracting?!?

Jon and I start a Media class at church tonight...should be fun...learning about photo editing, sound, lights, running the video camera....Jon's not old enough to run the camera, but I think this will be a good class for both of us!

I ran out to the Farmer's Market this afternoon...I had WIC coupons to use...can't wait to have some sweet potatoes!!! YUM!

So, supper is calling so we can get out the door on time...and homework and practice (the lovely clashing sounds of flute, piccolo and trumpet), plus Jason is home, so the TV is on....

Later, my lovelies....life has left me behind and I have to catch up!!

Plans, and things that interfere

I had a good plan for this week. I was going to be getting back to my normal posting schedule...but my brain interfered, as have a few others of importance...Jason, Frances, Jon, Heather, Justin, Leah, Katherine....and work. And house cleaning. And attempting to get rid of those ugly migraines.

So, my house is getting back to a little better level of control.
And we're eating MEALS again.
And I'm getting caught up on the laundry.

But I still have to find a dentist...because I'm a grump when my mouth hurts.
And I still have to get a referral to my counselor.
And I HAVE TO get some more sleep...I'm doing better, really. BUT, my body still wants to shut down on me (as does my head).
And feeling like I'm falling apart is NOT my idea of a good week....

So, HOPEFULLY, tomorrow, I'll have a post of some substance.

I hope.

Thank you for sticking by me, my lovelies...I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your loyalty.

Week in Review

This week has been hard for me.

I think that coming into it already overwelmed set me up for a not-so-great week.

I haven't gotten enough sleep all week long.

My house is a disaster.

I spent all week catching up on the laundry.

I'm whiney.

I've been snippy with my children.

All I want to do is sleep for a week or two.

I realized this week that THIS is how I was for *3* long years, when I was working overnights at Walmart. I was tired. I was overwhelmed all the time. I was NOT a nice mom. I had to appologize to my kids.

Over and over again. Because they deserve to have a mom who is THERE, with them, not yelling or snipping or angry with them all the time.

So, I HAVE to get more sleep. And I don't know how that is going to happen.

At least I FINALLY found someone to work out with! We go to the gym twice a week, so far. Hopefully this will help me lose some of this weight that is creeping back up on me. AND, this should help me emotional health. I HOPE.

And this next week, I HAVE TO find a dentist, and an eye doctor. And a counselor.

Finding a new counselor scares me. Because I need someone to talk to NOW, and sorting through them to FIND the right one is time consuming, and emotionally wearing. I REALLY miss my last counselor...the one from Montana. The GIFT from God....I am sure I won't find another like him...but I can hope!

I think I am going to go take a nap until I have to get more kids up....

The Links have been bugging me...

I keep finding these things I want to share...some of them are videos that don't have html available to post them directly on my blog, so I am stuck posting a link....so, without further ado:



Okay, so I found that one...:::blush:::...maybe the rest will work out so well!

Military Support Sites

Military One Source
MilitaryWives.com
4MilitaryFamilies.com
MilSpouse.org
MTOM for Kids

Educational Sites (especially FREE ones!!!) because sometimes I really miss homeschooling!

School Express
RHL School
TeAchnology
ABCteach.com

So, I'm tired, and I need to stop before I get sucked into a huge marathon of posting links to every site I've ever loved...we *could* be here all night long....but, the wine is getting to me, and I need some sleep before our next marathon day at the ballpark....so, have a wonderful night!

In the middle of the night....

I thought I got tired...exhausted, worn out, depleted...when I worked overnights at Walmart. I stayed tired. Then I quit for our move, and have since found work that I can do from home...not making much money yet, but at least I got my first paycheck!! (little yippee! because it was a little check!)

Now, as I scramble my way through the learning curve of this new line of work, I am finding that I am MENTALLY exhausted. My body follows suit before too long, and I am just WIPED OUT. I don't have anything left in me to pour out to friends, or in whitty conversation, and I find myself thinking, at wierd hours of the night, that I *ought to* call this person, or that person, and convey that I am thinking of them....but no, I don't have any mental energy left to do it.

So, if you are waiting a phone call from me, I appologize. I probably haven't forgotten you. Most likely, I'm thinking of you on a regular basis. I just can't work up enough energy to go find my phone...never mind string a couple of words together, and get them out of my mouth at the appropriate time.

So, if you see me out sleep walking around the streets of Virginia Beach, please, stop me, point me back in the direction of my house, and pray that I get enough sleep!

on that note....I'm going to bed!!