Accumulation of Stress

In research, and speeches, and articles all over we are all told to reduce our stress loads.

There are dire warnings about the health effects of too much stress and prolonged stress.

I know all of this.  REALLY.  Intimately.  I've only been reading those articles and that research for most of my adult life.  I have been passing that information along to friends and family and clients.

And yet...

Remember the old tale about the cobbler whose children have no shoes?  Ahem.

KNOWING things is much different than applying them.

Frankly, I didn't think I was under *that* much stress.  Oh, I admitted at times that things were getting a bit out of hand.

Like, when I was a full-time grad student, working part-time from home, trying to keep up with 6 children, and my husband was deployed...for a year.  THAT was a little stressful.

Or the year when two grandparents passed away, we went through some major relational upheavals, and Jason changed jobs, AGAIN.

Or the year that the world was supposed to end, I had a baby (25 days late!), Jason had an affair, the house was going into foreclosure, the car was repossessed, we moved, and we dealt with some other major relational upheavals.  Yeah, that year was stressful, too.

But, in between those REALLY stressful times, life was pretty smooth.  Things would settle down, life would be "normal" for a while, and I would have said that my stress levels were minimal.

About that.

I just sat down and wrote out a timeline of my life.  Through EVERY year.  ALL of the major events...those ones that are listed in charts as the ones creating the most stress...job changes, moves, children's births, financial strain, relational strains, separations, deployments, deaths....all of it.

That timeline was very telling.  Those times that I thought were "less stressful"?  Not necessarily.  Because in the almost-23-years we have been married, I was able to list ONE YEAR that did NOT include a major stressing event...most had multiple stressing events.

All of this made me realize that I have been VERY stressed for a VERY long time, and that it is time to make some changes.

I really don't know what those changes will be...Jason is still in the military, so the moving-every-few-years is not likely to change...and the children are growing up, which means more changes (hello, empty nest - well, that's a FEW years off, anyway!).  All I really know is that I really need to be LESS stressed for longer periods of time, and that needs to start now.

Exhaustion. (AKA, the honest truth about this deployment)

I'm exhausted. 

I think that deployments do this to us. 

Many of us tend to take on the "I'm strong, and I am going to *beat* this deployment into submission" line. 

Somewhere down the line, some later than others, we get to the point where we just can't do it any more. 

We are physically exhausted trying to keep up with eleventy-dozen activities that the kids are in, and work, and keeping the house spotless, and the lawn mowed, and the pets to the vets, and the kids to the doctors...never mind back-to-school shopping. 

Oh, and God-forbid we miss a phone call or Skype date. 

So we don't sleep...because the kids are up early, and the husband is in a totally different time zone that sleeps when I'm awake, and so when I need to go to bed, he's available to talk, or play Scrabble, or fuss at me for not getting to the bank early enough....or (you'll love this!)...for not sleeping enough!

Then our bodies just can't handle the stress any more, because stress is E.X.H.A.U.S.T.I.N.G. 

And let's face it, having our best friend in that other place, the one that might or might not be dangerous, but he's not HERE to help, to give us a break from the kids, to take over the car maintenance, and get someone to take care of the huge branch that just missed the house when it broke, or just to have his shoulder to cry one...yeah, all of that...it's stressful. 

So we're already physically exhausted because we're trying to DO it all, by ourselves. 

And we're mentally exhausted, trying to cover all of the bases with the kids (they're KIDS, they don't understand), and the parents/inlaws (who may or may not understand, but generally aren't close-by to help out with the day-to-day stuff), and the schools, and the DMV, and the bill collectors, and the neighbors, and...and...and you get the picture.

You get the picture.  We're trying to hold the world together with spit and Duct tape. 

Meanwhile, we are falling apart. 

How do we prevent this falling-apart from happening? 

We know that our friends *promised* to help out. 
Yeah, we know you're busy, too. 
Meanwhile, I just need someone - ANYONE - to take my daughter driving to get her behind-the-wheel hours in.
Oh, mowing the lawn.  I know my teenager is supposed to do it, and he tries, but he doesn't know how to fix the weedeater...and he's in band camp...
Oh, and that branch?  The big pieces that got cut out of the tree are still sitting back there waiting to be cut into usable logs. 

We've all heard the stories - so heartwarming - of neighbors pitching in to help when the husband is deployed. 
We say we want to support our troops. 
But where the rubber meets the road...yeah, maybe there is a reason that the suicide rate for the families at home is on the rise.  Maybe there is a reason that more and more spouses are on medications to help them deal with life...

Most days are good. 
Most days I *can* get things done. 
My house is presentable...not spotless...but then, there ARE 7 of us living here...I'm happy with presentable.
Everyone gets fed.
Everyone has a roof over their heads.
The homework gets done. 
The laundry gets washed, and folded, and put away. 

There's just this list...the one that is going to have to wait, because I am only one person, and can NOT fill the shoes of my husband while he is gone.  Those are really big shoes...and I eagerly anticipate his being here to fill them again.

Meanwhile, life is going to get quite a bit crazy again here very shortly. 
School starts in 20 days for the kids.
Back-to-school shopping still needs to happen.
School starts for ME in less than a week. 
I need to shop for THAT, too. 
I DO work from home...that still needs to happen. 
I have two kids in band camp this week...backing-and-forthing....
I have to drive up to pick up the other four from Operation Purple camp this weekend. 
Grocery shopping.
Doctor's appointments. 
Getting yet another line added to the cell phone account.

Somehow people keep asking me to be involved in things. 
Really good things 
Band boosters.
PTAs.
This, that, and the other thing at the *5* schools the kids will be in this year.

I can't. 
I am only one.
And somewhere in this mess that is my life, I HAVE TO take care of ME. 

Which starts with SLEEP...

...working to beat back the exhaustion that threatens to destroy me....
Goodnight all!

The rest of July...

Since Jason left after his R&R, July both flew and dragged by.  


There were chess games...







...played between the dog and the TOP dog (also known as the cat!)...








There was fun with flashlights...AKA how we entertain ourselves when the power is out.






There were visits with friends...







...and haircuts for the little dog...







...who apparently thinks he's human...







 ...or maybe he thinks he's a motorcycle mascot?

And then there was sunburn...
















...and book buying...







...and cuteness in the form of GlamorGirl with her doggy-friend!

It was GOOD. Why do I feel down?

Really. I've had a good week. I accomplished a lot. I turned in papers on time. I got to all of my classes (so I was late to one...get over it. Had to mail something to the husband). I got the kids to all of their activities. And home. No one starved (though they may think differently!). Laundry was washed. The dog and cat are still alive. The plants are watered. The cars are still running. I even finished up all of my work before Monday morning!! Believe me, THAT is an accomplishment!!

I even got to talk to my husband every day. Some days more than once. I got to get some much-needed foundational wear. I got on the treadmill, and built my way up to 10 minutes. I even ran. I was even able to right a sticky situation with my mother. Yeah, I know. It sounds like I should be well on the way to accomplishing world peace, and that's just this week.

So why do I feel so down?!? I know I'm tired. But I think this is more than that. I know I'm frustrated because I can't find something. I know I've got deadlines coming on papers and projects. I miss my husband. Still, I think it is something more.

I have a LOT to be thankful for. We're all healthy (and we all know that's a big thing during flu season!). We have a GREAT house. I am studying something I LOVE. I don't have to worry about my next meal (instead I worry about my waistline!)...or that of my children. We have a roof over our heads, transportation, a very loving church family, and we know that God has blessed us far beyond what we deserve.

See, in my head I know a lot of stuff. Enough to get myself in trouble. But my problem comes in that I am always surprised when those things I know about actually apply to me! So, as I sit here thinking about being down, I am surprised to discover that I am dealing with something that is very common.

We are coming up on the holidays. Thanksgiving is the next one. This is one of the two biggest family holidays of the calendar year. And a huge part of our family is on the other side of the world. Which leads to me being down. I am (supposedly) this strong, together military wife, who can handle pretty much whatever anyone throws at me. Yeah, okay, sure. Most times I deal pretty well. With a LOT of help. Throw in the holidays, and I want to curl up in a corner somewhere, hold my blankie, and suck my thumb.

I've never had to do Thanksgiving or Christmas without Jason here. Or New Years. Or Valentine's Day, or any of the kids' (or my) birthdays. I feel like such a novice right now...only we've been doing this military thing for going-on 11 years right now. I know we've been fortunate. I know I'm lucky. I know.

And I know I am not alone. The "Holiday Blues" can affect anyone. Just think of the homeless, the breadwinner who just lost their job, the couple facing foreclosure, the newly diagnosed, newly widowed, divorced, alone. Again, this can affect anyone.

So, if you're down in these trenches with me, what are you doing to get out?

If you look at Dr. Larry A. Nadig's site, you willl see these recommendations, which are taken from the Serenity Prayer:
1. Accept the things I cannot change,
2. Courage to change the things I can, and
3. The wisdom to know the difference.

I like this. I like that it is *not* a pat answer. I am going to be implimenting this, as soon as possible. Right after I get some sleep.

Rollin', rollin', rollin'....

We have finally gotten the ball rolling for the move. We have dates. We have boxes. We even have some PACKED boxes!! Yup, things are moving right along...just not quite fast enough. We've only been in this place for just over 2 1/2 years. Do you know how much accumulates in that short period of time?!? Lets just say we have a LOT of junk. That we are moving. Blah.

School stuff. Registered for GRE. FAFSA finished. Initial paperwork for VA finished. References obtained. Still working on building up my confidence.

Work is moving right along...

Jason is having a rockin' time in Dallas at his Supply Conference. I'm a bit jealous...he got to visit with some friends from our days in Texas (Hi, Tara!!) SO wish I could have gone with him! He gets back tomorrow. YIPPEE!!

The kids now all have new IDs...with only a short sojourn in the ID Lab at Jason's work...SO grateful for the fact that they have one at Jason's work at all. It means a difference of about 4 hours of wait time. And now we are good for another 18 months.

And now, coffee with a friend... rollin' out the door for some ME time!!

Sunday afternoon musings

This past week has been a relatively quiet week. By quiet, I mean we have had no extra doctor's visits, no drama, and no waiting on test results. Peaceful. RELATIVELY so.

Between all of the drama that passes for life in our household, normal stuff happens. And normal stuff in a military family includes sadness over friends moving. Summer is moving season, and with the school year winding down we find ourselves preparing for the moves of several friends...a girlfriend (of the 14-year-old), and friend to all of the kids will be moving away to Maryland after her father's retirement. We'll miss seeing Hanni-banani on a daily basis. Some other friends are moving back to Italy, and still others are moving on to new duty stations.

In other "normal" news, Justin lost another tooth this week...and when we went to put it away in the new bag, we discovered we had done this TWICE before...now, we have one baggie with 3 of his teeth in it.

Today my house is crazy. Sundays normally are "nap day"....we get home from church, eat a light lunch, and EVERYONE takes naps. Ahem. Not today. There are 3 children upstairs who are SUPPOSED to be napping (I can hear one of them yelling at the PS2 game he is playing). The other 3 took their friends and walked to the pool. Oh, yeah....a total of 9 kids in the house today, 5 of them teens. And Jason had drill today, so he was at work for most of the day...until he got off to come home and change and head out to Leader Trek (a training meeting for leaders in our church). Now he's headed home, and the teens *should* be on their way back from walking down to the corner Wawa (convenience store), and I *should* be working. Yeah.

So, I'm going to sign off of here and get back to work....or maybe not...I think I'm going to step outside and warm up in the 90+ degree weather before I get back to the grindstone....

How DO you do it?

I am trying to figure out how people fit everything into their busy lives. Even my husband. I can't figure out how HE does it, even. I know he's more organized, but he also seems to be less mentally exhausted at the end of the day. Even after spending 8, 9, 10 hours at work, working out, doing Masters' level classes, a Bible study class, and playing raquetball. I honestly don't understand.

I *think* part of it is that we are wired a LOT differently. I know. A "duh" moment. But we operate so differently, one might think we were from different planets....hmmm...think I've heard that somewhere before.

So, he calls this afternoon, because he's emailed me something that he needs to work on tonight. And reminds me that he has a raquetball game planned for tonight.

And I didn't have a chance to tell him that I am going to have to take one child to the emergency room tonight because the clinic can't work her in. I *DID* remind him that Jon and I have our class tonight....but who knows if we'll get to go now.... And all of that is before the juggling act that is getting children home from school in the afternoon. I miss the days when they all came home on the bus, at near the same time.

Oh, and I still have work to do. And I haven't showered yet today. Is that a bad thing?

At least I got the floor swept, the dishwasher run, and two loads run thru the washer....

Do you ever get caught up?!?

What a day in my life *really* looks like...

As I was going about my day today, I started thinking about what it takes to maintain life in my household. Not necessarily sanity...I'm convinced that is a lost cause.

I am often amazed that people think that life with a large family is unthinkable. They think that it must take a special person to handle it. Obviously they've not followed me through my days. I am NOT special. I am very average. Average height. Average weight (more than is good for me!). Average educational level. Average. Average. Average.

Then, this morning it hit me. The math. THAT is what people have trouble with.
The eight people in the house.
Which means 7 beds.
And at least 16 sets of clothing every day.
Which adds up to at least 2 loads of laundry, every day (which is why, on any given day, Mt. Laundry IS going to blow!).

The eight place settings at the table.
At every meal.
Which we usually manage AT LEAST 3 of those as SIT DOWN TOGETHER meals, per week.
Which adds up in terms of food.
Like the stew I made this morning.
1 1/2 pounds of stew meat.
1 pound of carrots.
5 pounds of potatoes.
There's a little bit left over...but then Jason and the two oldest kids didn't eat at home tonight.
Milk...3-5 gallons per week.
Cereal...at least one box per day. (We quit buying in boxes...they're too small).
Eggs...one dozen at a time.
Bread...sandwiches for everyone requires one whole loaf.

The sheer overwhelming numbers of activities.
School...3 in elementary school, 1 in middle school, 1 in high school, husband in grad school.
Church...
Small groups from church...women's group, men's group, military affiliated group
Marching Band.
Concert Band.
Middle School Band.
PTA activities.
Military community activities.


SO, my schedule today was fun...and I thought I'd throw it in, just so you get an idea....

4:00 a.m. Alarm goes off. I turn it off, shake the husband, and crawl back in bed.

5:00 a.m. Second alarm goes off. I turn it off, dress and wake up oldest child. Fix coffee, go for a walk.

6:00 a.m. Grab a cup of coffee and walk oldest daughter out to meet her bus (which picks her up at 6:10 a.m.).

6:30 a.m. Finish second cup of coffee, grab purse, keys, and list, to run to the grocery store for potatoes, carrots, milk, butter, bread. (had coffee on the list, too, but not enough $$).

7:00 a.m. Back from the store, put things away. Get the rest of the kids out of bed. Spend time doing emails, catching up on facebook, email lists, doing childrens' hair, motivating (yelling at) children. Also wash and cut up potatoes and carrots for the stew for supper, and saute the stew meat, then dump in the crockpot. Load dishwasher.

7:45 a.m. Out the door to wait with the 3 elementary-aged children for their bus, which supposedly arrives at 7:53 a.m. Chat with neighbors.

8:15 a.m. Suddenly remember I have a dental appt at 9:00....gotta MOVE.

8:30 a.m. Out of shower, kicking 12-year-old out to catch his bus...which supposedly arrives at 8:40 a.m. Let my work know when I'll be back.

8:45 a.m. Load 4-year-old in the van, complete with bag of toys, x-rays from dentist in MT, name and address of dentist in MT, and dental insurance card.

9:00 a.m. Pshew...I made it. I can relax and fill out myriads of paperwork, gag on the x-rays, and get my referral to an oral surgeon.

9:58 a.m. Home again, time to get busy on my WORK for the day! First get 4-year-old her snack, because she STARVING, MOMMY, STARVING!

12:00 p.m. Take a break from the computer long enough to fix sandwiches for myself and 4-year-old. Forget that I was supposed to go to gym.

12:40 p.m. Neighbor girl shows up, reminding me that we were supposed to go to the gym at 12:30. Change clothes and head out for 30 minute workout.

1:45 p.m. Home again, and back to work. Started load of clothes.

3:00 p.m. Oldest child home...snack time!!

3:30 p.m. The elementary school bunch gets home.

4:00 p.m. The middle schooler is home.

4:30 p.m. Jason walks in, updates me on things, and leaves again, taking the oldest two with him (he's dropping the oldest off at her school for marching band performance at the football game, and taking the 12-year-old with him to his two softball games.).

5:00 p.m. The 4 left at home go out to play, leaving mom inside to have some peace and quiet.

6:00 p.m. Start gathering everyone in for supper. Get all the riding stock put away in the garage.

7:30 p.m. Supper is done, kids are in PJs. It's movie night...tonight we watched Cars.

9:30 p.m. Movie is done, kids get in bed. I leave to go pick up oldest from Marching Band. Home, feed her (more...she also ate at the game), start another load of laundry.

There's my day. I'm exhausted. I don't think I could cram one more thing in there, today. Maybe another day...but I don't know.

I LOVE having a big family. I can't imagine it any other way. But some days? I just want some sleep!!!